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The rickety old paddy wagon juddered into creaking, complaining motion, pulled by its knackered old horse. Gabrielle and I sat up front, and Najara perched on top of the bags of rice in the back. Eve, a large brimmed peasant's hat pulled down low over her face, sat next to Najara. In spite of my disagreement, they'd both insisted on coming along on the mission. It had been all I could do to stop Lao Ma joining in too; as it was, I could feel her eyes burning into me from the high palace windows. I made evil-eye signs, just to be on the safe side, and encouraged the horse on.
We lurched along in silence, soothed by the ragged motion of the wagon and the gentle sounds of nature's early morning stirring. Gabrielle's snoring broke the mood. She'd fallen asleep next to me, her head lolling on my shoulder. When she started dribbling, I figured I better wake her.
"We're here." The horse ambled its way into a small thicket of standing trees. We trundled along a little further, losing the sunlight under the canopy of delicately serrated leaves. Branches of native oriental trees wound and twisted around each other as they grasped towards the remaining light. After some distance, the trunks cleared and we came upon a tiny glade, just as we had been instructed.
We all remained silent as I pulled the horse up; the only sound heard was the slapping of leather against horse hide, the bit jangling as the horse was reigned. Even my highly trained ears could pick up nothing. But instinct and the prickling hairs on the back of my neck told me someone was out there, watching.
Eve and Najara clambered out of the wagon, stretched and then clustered around the horse. I unstrapped the saddle bags and pulled out a rough woven sack. I tossed it over my shoulder and then turned enquiring eyes up to Gabrielle. She was poring over the ransom note.
"Says to look for the tree with the hollow base. Put it in there, cover it with earth and then go." She turned the paper over. "No map or drawing. How are we supposed to find the right tree?"
"Girls. Start looking around." I motioned with my head; Eve and Najara started moving around the glade.
"What's the plan?" Gabrielle had jumped down and had joined me as I tied up the saddlebags again.
"Make the drop, get back in the wagon and go. Just like we discussed."
"Leaving the kidnappers to take the money?" she queried.
"We're being watched, sweetheart. Can't you feel it?" We both flicked wary eyes around. "They'll have clocked four of us, so four of us will have to leave. They've probably got the access roads watched too, so if one of us doubles back, they'll be seen."
She remained in thoughtful silence for a moment. "I take it you have a plan?"
"Any minute now."
Eve's voice floated towards us. "It's here, I've found it."
We all gathered around her, peering down at the base of a large tree. There was a deep bole in the base of the trunk; rough hewn and ragged, it looked like it had been hacked out by human hand. The remnants of dried leaves, twigs and some recent ash lay scattered inside. The embers were cold.
"This must be the place," whispered Eve. "Don't you think, Xena?"
"It's certainly regularly used. Looks like a lovers trysting place."
"What makes you say something like that?" gasped Eve.
I shrugged. "Just looks that sorta place. Romantic setting, what with this little glade and all. And the fire." I glanced around absently, checking to see if there were any other likely places. "There's some melted wax in there, so someone's been lighting candles. Anyone who isn't meeting a secret lover would bring rush torches or oil lamps."
"She''s good, isn't she?" beamed Gabrielle proudly.
I winked back at her. "I have many skills, sweetheart." I wedged the sack into the hole and shoved some earth, leaves and twigs on top of it. "There." I rose to my feet, and dusted myself down.
"What next?" Eve was shifting anxiously from foot to foot, her eyes flickering around the glade rapidly. My uncanny warrior senses told me she was a tad uneasy.
I slung a comforting arm around her bony teen shoulders. "Now we leave. And hopefully the kidnappers keep their side of the bargain and release Ming T'ien."
"You think they will?"
"I hope to Gods they do. Otherwise Lao Ma and Ming Tsu will have my ass barbecued and served up with a side salad for breakfast. C'mon, let's get outta here."
We piled into the wagon, urged the extremely reluctant nag onwards and lumbered back towards the forest. Najara and Eve laid down in the back and dozed.
We slowed to navigate some particularly tricky tree roots. "Now," I whispered out of the corner of my mouth; sacks of rice were wrapped in one of Eve's spare cloaks by Gabrielle as we weaved through the darkened forest. As they were put in place, Eve dropped through the floor of the wagon, held onto the axle and then let go. The wagon trundled on, leaving its former cargo behind on the track. I could just about make out her shape in the gloom of the wood; she rolled to the side of the track and then doubled back towards the glade.
I shook the reigns and carried on to the palace.
****
The candle burned down, and so did my patience.
"Gabrielle," I whined as the beautiful blonde tried to comfort me. "Where is she? She should'a been back by now. Something's happened, I know it has!" Anxiously, I paced around the room, pausing only to peer out of the window frequently.
"Calm down, Xena. I'm sure she's fine."
"It's no good. I can't think straight with all the worry. I need something to distract me. Something else to think about. I do think about sex a lot already, so I'm halfway there. So probably I should have sex right now." I looked at her hopefully.
"Xena!"
"It would be for the greater good!"
The glare and foot tapping told me that idea was a no-goer. Honestly, I thought we were supposed to be a team? Letting me down in my orgasm of need wasn't what I'd call teamwork!
A finger wagged in my face, for double emphasis - as if I hadn't already gotten the message. No sex for Xena. Again. "Just settle down," Gabrielle said. "Eve will be fine, I'm sure of it. The fact that she's been gone so long is probably a good sign, right? Why don't you have something to eat?"
"Gabrielle, how can you think of food at a time like this?" I glared at her, and at least she had the decency to blush. I mean to say, no sex! "I couldn't possibly think of eating when my baby's out in the woods all alone with gangs of kidnapping murderers. Maybe a few spare ribs. I'll force them down. With some hoisin sauce and a napkin. And some chicken fried rice. Oh, and some of those little crab dumplings. With sweet chilli sauce." I sighed heavily. "Gabrielle, it's going to be torture, trying to force all this food down when I'm so worried. My stomach'll probably rebel. Better bring a flagon of ale, just to settle my stomach. The things us mothers have to go through. Childbirth. The constant worry." I sighed again, even heavier this time.
Gabrielle was staring at me with strangely narrowed eyes. "You can't even remember giving birth," she accused. Honestly, did this woman remember every damn conversation we'd ever had?
"Gabrielle, an experience like that is etched onto a woman's memory. It's formative. It's probably what started my turn away from the dark side."
The glare somehow grew stonier. "Oh good. If it's so formative and etching, you most probably remember who the father was?"
"Details, details." I waved a hand airily. "The birth experience is so much more than mere impregnation. It's universal. I am woman! Hear me roar!"
"I hear something," she said, wryly.
"Actually, so do I." There was a right old kerfuffle coming from downstairs; shouts of mine and Ming's names followed. "It must be Eve."
We ran down the staircase, and were greeted by the sight every mother dreads.
****
Still, mustn't complain; after all, she was still alive. In fact, she seemed
to be barely injured at all compared to the amount of blood that was all over
her. A black eye, a couple of cuts, bruises and the like. There was certainly
no damage to her mouth, judging by the language that was coming out of it.
She saw us approaching and quietened down immediately. Kinda went all floppy, really, and ended up on the floor.
"What's she doing?" I whispered to Gabrielle, all at a loss.
"Looks like she's fainted."
"Oh." An experienced and battle-hardened warrior, I'd practically grown up on battlefields; blood, pain and death all around me. I'd sustained a fair number of injuries and I'd inflicted a fair number more in my time. But I'd never seen anyone wail and wilt like that over a few little scratches. Eye gouged out? Stick a plaster over it and get back to work, soldier! Lost your arm? Get a bandage on it and grab that axe! Spear in your belly? Okay, so maybe my response on that one hadn't been entirely appropriate, given the circumstances, but I'd been young at the time.
We slapped Eve around a bit - Gabrielle seemed to enjoy that a bit too much - until she came round.
"What happened?" I decided I better be a bit anxious. "Are you hurt?"
"I'm in agony, you stupid woman!" Eve yelled. So obviously her cuts and bruises weren't life threatening then.
Gabrielle cut her eyes to me. Eve was starting to really get on our nerves - Godsdamnit, didn't she know she had stoic warrior blood in her? So I put the pinch on her. I think she was a bit taken aback.
"What have you done to me?" she screamed. "I can't feel anything!"
"It's stopped the pain, hasn't it? The only teensy problem is that you'll be dead in five minutes if I don't take it off. So you better hurry up and tell us what happened."
"What?" Her eyes bugged.
"C'mon sweetie. Tell Mommy what happened, so Mommy can make it all better. But do it quick, what with the pinch and all. Information now, questions later." I patted her on the head and smiled in the most reassuring way I could. Eve went pale. Possibly she misinterpreted the smile, although I don't know why. It's not as though I was threatening to kill her or anything.
Her eyes locked onto mine and she gabbled through her story in double-quick time. "I doubled back, like you said, and hid behind the trees so I could see who came. Now take the pinch off."
"Did you see them?" asked Gabrielle.
Eve nodded frantically. "I started following them, laying the trail like I was supposed to. But there must've been more of them. They caught me, beat me up and then left me. I must've been out for a while - when I came round they'd gone. What kind of a mother are you? I'm starting to go blind here - take the fucking pinch off!"
"Damn. That was our one possible lead." I took the pinch off her. "I don't fancy telling Ming and Lao Ma that we lost their son and their money. We'll just have to hope that Ming T'ien turns up as promised."
Eve looked visibly upset; so much so, that her nose went all sniffly and her eyes went red. "That's the worst part. They said we hadn't followed instructions, and so they weren't obliged to stick to their bargain."
I caught Gabrielle's eyes. The expression was the same as mine, 'cept without the lust. "What does that mean?"
Eve started weeping. "They said they're going to kill Ming T'ien."
****
Part 13 - Things Take A Turn For The Curse..
They were as good as their word, if by 'kill Ming T'ien' they meant 'chop off a finger and send it along with a warning note'. Both Ming and Lao Ma id'ed the finger as their son's, though how they could tell was beyond me. Particularly as the finger was turning green by the time it arrived.
"This finger's been dead for a while," I observed, delicately holding it away from my nose. All the women in the room (except me and Gabrielle) immediately started wailing. "So I don't understand why they're trying to exhort more money from us."
"Couldn't it just be..." sniffed Eve, "... that the finger was cut off a while ago and that's why it's gone green, but the owner is still alive?"
I didn't get to be the best warrior investigator in the business by not knowing when to be diplomatic. Subtlety was one of my best skills. "Well, that's a theory but it's unlikely. He would've probably bled to death by now anyway. But this finger looks like it's been hacked off a dead body to me." I thought it best not to add that I was speaking from personal experience. At one stage in the warlording fraternity, it had been de rigeur to hack off various body parts of adversaries as trophies. Upped the street cred nicely.
Strangely enough, the wailing increased.
Eve seemed to be in denial. "He can't be dead! We have to pay the ransom." She made several heart-rending appeals to Ming and Lao Ma. The latter was game but the former seemed unconvinced.
"Do you have any idea how much money this actually is? I'll need all this money to pay for my new sons!"
Eve made it crystal clear that there would be no new sons anytime soon unless he paid up in full. Lao Ma added to the persuasion factor by levitating a few sharp articles, at groin height, around him. That seemed to do the trick.
Eve was forthwith despatched to a secret hideaway meeting place with a very large sum of cash and absolutely no protection whatsoever. Apparently, the kidnappers had issued strict instructions that she go alone and that I be tied to a tree stump in the grounds of the palace and guarded by fierce dogs and geese during the whole time she was off. I thought it was a bit odd, them knowing about me and there happening to be a tree stump exactly where they said, but I went along with it anyway.
After all, what could go wrong?
****
It was twilight before they managed to hack me free of the heavy chains they'd
bound me to the tree with. Strange, Eve forgetting to leave the keys behind
when she went off to the kidnappers' secret, undisclosed location. But that
wasn't important right now. It took them another two candlemarks to pull the
dogs off me. I never did shake those damn geese.
"Where is she?" I demanded anxiously, trying to swat off the ferociously yapping beaks of the fowl. Gabrielle, kept at a distance by the barking and honking, had kept me up to speed with everything that had been going on.
Which was, basically, that Eve hadn't returned.
I turned to dash indoors, but Gabrielle grabbed me. "Xena, no!"
"She's my baby..."
She grabbed my front and pulled me to her. "I'm sorry... I am so truly sorry."
My heart hammerjacked in my chest and for several eternal moments, I physically couldn't breathe. Eventually, I managed to gasp out a few words. "Where is she?"
"We don't know. All they sent back was this note, that awful brown dress she was wearing, and her hair."
"What, all of it?"
"No, just some of it." Gabrielle handed me a sack and the letter.
"Her hair! My beautiful baby's beautiful hair!" I lifted the greasy, lank mess out of the bag. "Ugh. Oh well, at least there's no more fingers."
Gabrielle's expression of compassionate sympathy turned a bit more worried. "Xena, are you alright? I know this must be a tremendous shock for you..."
"Oh it is, Gabrielle. A terrible shock. They haven't asked for even more money, have they?"
She gave me a sweet-sad face. "No. The note quite clearly says that they've killed them both. For retribution against Ming. Something about past atrocities."
I reached out an unsteady arm, and let her lead me to a nearby chair. I sank into it, unseeing and uncaring as my mind leapt and whirled, trying to make sense of what Gabrielle was telling me.
"Where are Ming and Lao Ma? How are they taking this?" I suddenly remembered that I wasn't the only person who'd lost someone. We had all lost a child - Ming'd lost an awful lotta money too. It'd be a toss up which he mourned for more.
"Lao Ma's being stoic. She's pacing around the grounds, scaring the servants. Ming's taken to his room - he's furious. And grieving, I suppose, since he's just lost his wife and son."
"I should bloody well hope the old goat is grieving. It's his fault my baby's dead! In fact, I should kill him. I'll kill them both!"
Gabrielle tried to restrain me, but a ranting warrior-cum-grieving-mother in full angry flow was no match for her.
I stormed off, Gabrielle and the geese in tow.
****
Lao Ma was in the peaceful water garden. Even by the delicate light of the pretty
paper lanterns, it was obvious she'd been crying. Tear-tracks lay, semi dried
and unheeded, across her marble-still face. She sat motionless on the hard bench,
her stillness screaming her grief.
Dulled eyes flickered towards me. "Xena. I am sorry for your loss."
"And I yours." She looked awful, and I knew it was genuine. My heart bled for her. "Have you seen Ming?"
Slowly, she nodded. "He has become an old man today. Even I spared some of my own grief for him."
"So you both believe what is in the note?" I showed it to her. She stared at it blankly, then shook her head.
"I have not seen this note. Ming Tsu received one of his own."
"May I see it?"
She shrugged, then returned to her grim contemplation. "I do not have it. You will have to ask Ming Tsu, although I would not. The prey does not bait the bear willingly."
"Of course. Yet, one does not find answers to questions unasked."
"Well, then you will do that which you must. But you wouldn't catch me going anywhere near him today."
I nodded and turned away. "One last thing. Did Ming T'ien ride?"
Surprise stirred in her eyes, temporarily pushing the grief aside. "Yes, he did. His father did not want him to, insisting that it was too dangerous for the sole heir to his throne. Ming believes that riding in a carriage is more dignified than getting hot and sweaty in a saddle. I made sure that my son could ride. I felt it would give him confidence and independence. A man must always be able to leave swiftly and without fuss."
"I see. And can he swim or sail a boat?"
"Again, yes and expressly against his father's wishes. Ming Tsu does not know any of this. Why do you ask?"
"Just curiosity. Gabrielle, get Najara to fetch Ming's letter from the kidnappers. Lao Ma, come with me, please. Mothers should grieve together, and I know just the spot where we can do it."
****
Part 14 - Mother and Child Reunions..
I drew my horse from a gallop to a canter, Gabrielle seizing me tighter around the waist with the shift in motion. Lao Ma reigned in beside us, and we both slowed to a trot, then a halt. I tossed my leg over the side, and slid from the saddle.
Lao Ma flowed from her horse like water gliding down a hillside. "This is indeed a beautiful spot, but I can mourn anywhere." Her tone was stony, her glance warning.
"It's more beautiful down by the river's edge. It is a short walk but we must be quiet. I am told that rare birds can be spotted there, but only if you're really, really lucky." I set off at a brisk pace, weaving my way through the trees, trying to pick a path through gnarled tree roots and clumps of tufted grass.
The other two followed, grumbling. "Xena, are you alright?" Lao Ma's striking eyes narrowed. "Your Greek grief is astounding. Most people rail, wail weep. You go sightseeing and birdwatching."
"There's nothing like a bit of denial to make the day go with a swing. And I'm betting you'll find these birds fascinating."
The trees thinned, giving way to a grassy meadow alongside the riverbank. I held out my arm and halted our progress, then pulled us down behind a hillock, from where we had an uninterrupted view of the little wooden jetty with its tiny floating pontoon.
Above our heads, exquisitely plumed birds darted and preened in the trees, swooping gracefully over the glistening water, their tuneful calls sweetening the air. We watched in silence for a while.
"The birds are beautiful. But we're not here to birdwatch, are we Xena?" whispered Gabrielle, her eyes skitting around the area.
I shook my head. "We're here to watch the river. This little place is one of the main river crossings - the river's at it's narrowest point. See those little boats? Ferrymen. Or traders, come to sell at the markets. Most of the river traffic comes by here, even Ming's deliveries. I had Najara scout around here a few days ago."
"But why?"
"I have a hunch we'll find something out about the murder of our children. They have to come in and out somehow, and I've had the road watched. Thanks to Najara. Never thought I'd say that about the crazy broad. Her talents, shall we call them, certainly have come in useful."
Gabrielle stared at me, and I couldn't figure out whether it was in admiration, amazement or horror. "I had heard that your focus was legendary, but I had no idea. How you're focusing just on catching these murderers. It's like you've got no feelings."
Well, let's face it - I'd had plenty of practice at it over the years. Gotten pretty good at it too, if I do say so myself. Way I figured it, my emotions had a handy on-off switch and I'd gotten real good at flicking it over the years. So it really was no problem to do it now. "There's plenty of time to grieve later. When we've got some answers."
I shushed my two companions and we sat in watchful silence, observing the ebb and flow of life on the river. It was the main thoroughfare in these parts, land journeys being over tortuous routes which lengthened the time and spoiled the produce. The river really was the main artery and it was fascinating to watch all the comings and goings.
So fascinating that we barely noticed the two boys on horseback, hooded and cloaked, who pulled up and started negotiating with one of the ferrymen. They obviously struck an agreement, and the ferryman started leading their horses onto the flat raft. Gabrielle, haggling with a hot food seller down at the little wharf didn't give them a second glance as they clustered round her and examined the foodsellers' wares. They started jostling her and I half-rose, eager to spring to her defence and thus earning her undying gratitude, resulting probably in sex, but sadly she was on top of things and jostled them right back. Nothing stood in the way of my glamourous assistant's stomach.
The boys began to giggle. Gabrielle, rising to full height , set in for a long bout of hectoring. I settled back to enjoy the view - nothing undulates like Gabrielle's abs when she gets righteous. Sadly though, the abs only rippled for a short while, Gabrielle's stomach settling the matter quickly.
She trotted back to our hiding place with a fistful of meat skewers and handed them out. So much for staying incognito - she'd busted us wide open. One of the boys was in fits of giggles, grasping the waist of his fellow, his hood ridden back to reveal an untidy crop of dark hair.
"Way to go for not drawing attention, Gabrielle," I sulked, shoving a satay into my mouth. "I dunno why you just didn't stick a big sign over our heads."
"Oh, don't climb out of your cage, Xena. Nobody knows who we are."
"Right," I said, grabbing another skewer. "Our pale skins and your blonde hair don't stick out a mile, do they?"
"What are you talking about? Loads of people have pale skin," she mumbled around a mouthful of meat. "Like him over there, for one." She nodded towards the two boys, who had settled on a hillock next to us and who, when they weren't shamelessly eavesdropping on us, were feeding each other bits of food and drink.
"Yeah, funny that. I noticed him myself. Think I'll go get some more of that meat on a stick. Was quite tasty."
"Oh, get me some more too, willya? And some of those little crispy parcels?" Gabrielle's face broke into a grin.
"Anyone else? Lao Ma? Eve?"
"No thanks, Xena, we've got plenty here," replied my daughter.
There was a stunned silence.
"Oh, shit," said Eve.
****
I was on her faster'n a rat up a tunnel. Tell you what though, she wasn't half
a quick mover - I only had her by the ankle at first. Chip off the old block,
she was. If I hadn't been so bloody furious, I'd have been right proud.
Lao Ma had also wrestled her offspring to the ground and was alternately kissing him and cuffing him. I figured the little shit was getting off lightly. So lightly, in fact, that I drew my sword and levelled it at his throat.
"What have you been doing to my daughter?" I growled, in my best 'pissed-off-warrior' voice. "She's a good girl, she never would'a done something like this if she weren't led astray. Or coerced." My eyes narrowed dangerously. I could feel Gabrielle lay a calming hand on my arm, but I paid her no attention. "What have you done to my daughter?"
His eyes gleamed, and stayed fixed on mine. "You stupid old hag." I had to give it to him, the boy had guts. His face barely flickered as I moved the sword closer to the soft part at the base of his neck. "It was all Eve's idea!"
"You lying little bastard!" I heard Gabrielle cry out my name in a warning as I raised my sword arm high.
Next thing I knew, I was sprawling on the ground, flat on my back, feeling like I'd been whacked in the chest by a bolt of lightning. Lao Ma's bloody special powers again. I ask you, is that fair? I mean, it's not as though I was really gonna kill the little shit. Just hack a few bits off. I'd have left most of the important ones in place. Honestly, some people have no sense of perspective.
Like my darling daughter, for example, who was desperately trying to reduce her life expectancy by beating me about the arms, legs and head. When she kneed me in the groin, it all got a bit too much.
"You leave him alone," she was yelling in her usual dulcet tone. "It's not his fault! It was my idea, you hear me? Mine!"
"Sweetie," I gasped, my eyes watering more than the Nile in full flood, "Why don't you stop hitting Mommy and then we can all sit down and discuss this nicely?"
"We're not going back. You can't make us!"
"Jeez, will you stop with the yelling already? Gods, I need a drink." Wearily, I raised myself off the floor and re-sheathed my sword. "Anyone else?"
"Well, since you ask..." Eve and Ming checked each other out and nodded.
"I could definitely do with one," added Lao Ma. "I've had quite a shock. I need it for medicinal purposes." I knew how she felt.
"I didn't get my satay sticks and crispy parcels," offered Gabrielle hopefully.
"For Gods' sakes... okay, fine. I'll go get us some supplies. But when I get back, I want some explanations. Don't move, ANY of you."
I was back in a matter of minutes with a good supply of food and alcohol. We'd all had a big shock, and I needed a bloody big drink. And maybe some more satay. And then more drink.
With appreciative grunts, everybody tucked in. It was just like a family picnic. Except for the simmering resentment, bitterness and mistrust. That still wasn't quite deep enough yet. Still, the day was young.
I drained a jug, then cracked open another and passed it to Lao Ma. "Your mother and I have been worried. You could've at least let us know you were okay."
Both our children suddenly developed sulky expressions.
"You have no idea what you put us through," added Lao Ma. "Ungrateful wretches!" She started kissing and cuffing her son again. I tried to hug Eve, but she ducked away. Obviously she was far too overcome with emotion - at last, she was being stoic. I was so proud.
"How did you know?" she asked glumly. "We planned it all so well. It was foolproof."
"Not quite foolproof," I replied smugly.
"I guess not." Eve gave me a meaningful look. I'd work out what it meant later. "It seemed to go so well. Exactly to plan. I really thought we'd gotten away with it. I couldn't believe it when I saw Gabrielle at the food stand. How the hell did you know we would be here?"
Ah. The million dinar question. I stretched out, dug in my pocket and dragged out a battered old stogie. Chewing on it blissfully, I smiled and settled back. "Well, I knew you weren't dead."
Four jaws dropped like stones. My grin grew broader, and I twirled the stogie round between my teeth. Boy, was I enjoying this. Sure silenced that whiney teen!
"You knew? And you didn't tell me?" Lao Ma kinda got this scary look on her face. "Do you have any idea what you put me through?"
I made the evil eye sign at her. "Hey sister, ain't you forgetting something? It weren't me who faked my death and ran off with a hundred thousand in chop bars."
At least she had the good grace to look guilty. Plus, she'd started to levitate things again, so I was kinda relieved when all the crockery settled down. "You are right, Xena. Please accept the apologies of a distraught and betrayed mother."
Being the magnanimous investigator that I am, I did. After all, she was a client. A paying one.
"But I still don't understand," whined my daughter. "How did you know where we were?"
"I didn't for sure. But all this stuff about killing Ming T'ien, then doing you both in? Well, it stunk. There was no reason for it, not after having pocketed two ransoms. And while we're on the subject - what kinda kidnappers ask for two ransoms? All that stuff with the finger." I shook my head. "So amateur. Gods knew where you got it from. I hope you didn't go grave robbing? I'm not having children of mine going off grave robbing all over the place!" I fixed them both stern looks, and gave them some finger waggling for added emphasis. "Anyway, it was pretty obvious it wasn't Ming T'iens. I mean, it still had nail varnish on it! So unless he's the kinda boy that... no, I thought not. So you see, that aroused my suspicions."
"But Xena..." Gabrielle, who had been sitting enthralled and silent till now, butted in. "Weren't your suspicions already raised by the show Eve put on after her alleged beating after delivering the first ransom? Plus our suspicions about it being an inside job?"
I nodded sagely. "Yeah, that was all a bit fishy. I daresay you got Ming to rough you up a little, make it look more realistic. Although you could'a used a little less pig's blood. But then you got greedy, decided you wanted more dough."
"We didn't get greedy." Eve's eyes were like glacier chips. "We needed the money."
"I also knew you'd need an escape route. I had Najara scout around. Two horses had disappeared from the stables over the last few weeks - one from Eve's aborted ransom payment, the other was apparently put down by Eve after an accident while out riding. Two perfect getaway horses, stabled someplace nearby." I twiddled my toes, puffed the last dregs of pleasure out of my stogie and then stamped it out. Rummaging around the inside of my fedora, I found another almost new one, and clenched it between my teeth. It felt fat, firm and potentially satisfying. I couldn't stop a little sigh of pleasure popping out. "Gods, I love it when a case comes together."
"Very impressive, Xena." Lao Ma was impressed; I could tell. She was giving me those 'I'm so impressed I'm totally turned on' eyes. "How did you know they would be here?"
"Oh, that's easy. Ming and me have the roads watched. Even disguised as a boy, you'd have been spotted - you're both too well known to the palace soldiers. Best bet would be to get lost in a crowd, say of traders, most probably under cover of darkness, and this is the only place within two leagues where you could arrange transport. Nah, the river's definitely a smart move. Eve hacks off her hair to complete the disguise - I mean, who ever heard of kidnappers sending hair as proof of death? And then the two 'boys' make their bid for freedom. Really, quite an ingenious plan. Who came up with it?"
"Eve."
"Thought so. Chip off the old block." My chest puffed with pride. "Well, there's your son, Lao Ma, delivered safe and sound as requested. Gabrielle will send along our final invoice."
"Excellent, Xena. Your reputation is well deserved. As will be your payment, minus the many advances you have already had off me, of course." She gave a small smile and a slight bow of the head.
Jeez, didn't we negotiate a finders fee? I thought we'd agreed a finders bonus thingy. I'd ask Gabrielle to slip it in under what's she call it? 'Sundry items' - I think that's what she puts my Hairy Butcher 'expenses' under since Herc started laying down the law. Bloody holier-than-thou Big Guy. He says 'immoral lap dancing', I say 'close-quarters surveillance'. But that wasn't important right now. "C'mon, we better get back to the palace, put your father out of his misery."
"Oh, no! We're not going back there!"
"You kids! C'mon, you've had your fun, you've worried all your parents and you've had away with a load of money. Now it's time to go home. Have a bath."
"No way!"
"You're having a bath!"
Eve looked like she was about to burst into tears. "We are not going back there! We're not a couple of kids looking for attention. If we go back, I'll be Ming Tsu's wife again. Do you know what that means?"
"And I'll be Eve's stepson," added Ming, curling his arm around Eve's shoulder protectively. "We can't do it, we just can't."
Honestly, what was it with these two? "Look," I began, shoving the cigar to the side of my mouth and getting set for a long session of whingeing. "I know Ming Tzu is a bit of a goat, but ya did marry him after all, sweetie. And he is rich and powerful. Just lie back and think of your bank balance." Shouldn't be too difficult; after all, she was a chip off the old block.
I felt Gabrielle's hand on my arm. "Ahh, Xena, I don't think that's what the problem is."
"I could teach you a coupl'a pressure points, if ya like," I continued. "Cut off all feeling below the waist, although never had much call for that one myself."
"I know a good one," offered Lao Ma helpfully. "One that'll put Ming straight into a coma. Very useful, that one. I use it all the time these days."
"You're both missing the point," explained Gabrielle with her hands, which was fine except they were hitting my head at the time. "Which is, that Eve and Ming T'ien are in love. That's why they ran away - to be together. Isn't that right?"
I gasped with shock, then moved straight into the doting parent's best friend - denial. Actually, drink was the real best friend but as we'd finished all that, I had to make do. "No, you can't be! It's not possible... he's too wimpy. Look at him - I've seen more muscles on a string bean!"
"Hey!"
"No offence or anything, but he's just not good enough for my little girl. You're married to an Emperor. Just think what you'll be throwing away! All that money... And power. And the money. Oh Gods, and the power! And the mon... Ow!" A swift slapping brought me quickly to my senses. "Well, I suppose he is a prince. A mother only wants what's best for her girl. He'll be rich and powerful one day, when his odious father drops dead."
I stopped hyperventilating quite so much. Enough to notice the peculiar looks I was getting from the others. Jeez, what was with them? Hadn't they ever seen a woman in trauma before? And just then, I was struck by an awful thought; "BY THE GODS!!! If Ming Tsu finds out about this, you'll both be disinherited. He'll... he'll be..." My finger quavered as it sought out the offending gigolo. "He'll be POOR!" I wailed, succumbing to the horror of it all.
"That's why we needed the money, you stupid bloody woman!" screamed Eve. My word, but she had a temper on her. And a mouth. I mean, is that any way to bawl at your doting mother?
"Ah! I get it! You scammed all that dough to set you up for your illicit life together? Genius. That's my girl! Not that I approve of any daughter of mine committing fraud or anything like that," I added hastily, noticing Lao Ma and Gabrielle's stony faces. "Disgraceful, absolutely disgraceful, you clever girl you."
Gabrielle sighed. "Xena, your double standards are appalling."
"Absolutely," agreed Lao Ma before turning to her own offspring. "That's half my money you've had away with. You only had to ask, son, and I would've given it to you. But I don't blame you, of course. I blame the amoral company you've been keeping. Shameless hussy. Takes after her mother, obviously."
"Hey! I could take that the wrong way!" If I wasn't so secure in my self image, I might'a taken offence at that. But then again, Lao Ma did have a teensy point. I had been a bit of a wild child in my youth. Hatching cunning plots. Running with the wrong crowd. Shagging non-stop. Torching the occasional village. What days!
Eve leapt to her feet, and pulled up Ming after her. "For Gods' sakes, haven't you bunch of bloody losers figured it out yet? Do you really think I'm related to that... that... abomination?"
"I knew it!" yelled Gabrielle, punching the air in glee. "I bloody knew it!"
"Eh?" I don't mind admitting I was a tad lost.
"Watch my lips, you bloody simpleton. I-am-not-your-bloody-sodding-daughter. You-are-not-my-sodding-bloody-mother." I'd never seen anyone actually tear their hair out before, but Eve was - it was all standing up on her skull in untidy, springy clumps. She looked a bit mad, and I mean that in the insane sense as well as the furious sense. "Have you got that? Are we all clear now? For Gods' bloody SAKES!"
I gasped loudly and staggered back several paces. "Oh, the pain! My heart! My heart!" I clutched at my chest theatrically. "My beautiful daughter - not mine? What a shock. However will I bear it?"
Punching Eve helped. It seemed to have the same effect on Gabrielle too, who carried on long after me. I had to pull her off, after I'd given that little snot Ming a good wallop too. I felt tons better after that.
The impostor horror clutched her bloodied nose and hyperventilated for a short while. "I suppose I deserved that," she snuffled. "I'm not proud of what I did. Aw, who am I trying to kid? Yes I am. And we would've got away with it too, if it weren't for you."
Both of them looked so disconsolate, I couldn't help but feel sorry for them. But then I got over it. "You're coming back with us. No arguments. You've done enough bloody damage, you pair of spoilt little bastards. Whoever your mother is should be ashamed of herself!"
Eve's eyes got all big and brown and doe-like. "I was abandoned when I was a kid. I used to dream my mother would come rescue me. That she would be big and strong enough to take me away and make it all right. Then, when I heard you'd arrived... are you buying any of this?"
Both Gabrielle and I shook our heads. "Not on a bet."
"Ah well, it was worth a try. Okay, I admit it. I'm a grifter. A thief, and a fraud. But this is true..." She turned and appealed to Lao Ma. "I do love your son. I tried not to, we both did. I was only there to gold-dig his father."
"Are you sure you're not my daughter?" That got me stern looks and much pinching from Gabrielle and Lao Ma, for some strange reason.
Eve carried on regardless. "But I couldn't help it. I fell in love with him anyway. I'd do anything to stay with him."
Ming T'ien put his arm protectively around Eve's shoulders, and drew her close to him. "It's true, mother. I know she's done some things in her past, but that was because she had to. I know she can change. And I know she makes me happy."
Jeez, how sappy was this? Lucky I was impervious to all this, unlike Lao Ma and Gabrielle, whose eyes were watering like they'd just stuck a couple of lemons in ‘em. My eyes were watering for an entirely different reason. Gimme a coupl'a secs and I'd think of one.
"All we ask," continued Ming, "Is to be given a chance to be together. Start a new life, leave the past behind. Father will get over it. He'll buy a new wife, have more sons - maybe ones he can be proud of this time. He need never know the truth - we can indeed be dead to him."
Gabrielle was sniffling something chronic. "Oh, how sweet."
"We'll even give you the money back. I'd rather be poor and with Eve than rich and without her."
Eve held out her rucksack and dropped it at Lao Ma's feet, then slipped her hand into Ming's. "Me too. And that's something I never thought I'd say. Here, take it. We don't really need it. Please, just let us go?"
"Give me that money." Lao Ma hoicked the bag onto her shoulder. "A quarter of it's mine by rights. Plus, Ming owes me for all the years I was married to the bastard. So I figure, half's mine." A slow grin spread across her full mouth. "I'm planning to open a new restaurant. Found the perfect place. It's in Gaul - really far away from here. Lovely weather, friendly people. Great wine. I could do with a couple of business partners. Interested?"
Ming and Eve stared at each other, open mouthed.
"We'd have to leave immediately, of course," continued Lao Ma. "We probably wouldn't have time to let Ming Tsu know what's happened. Which means we wouldn't have time to give him back his money either. Don't you think, Xena?"
I cocked a nonchalant eyebrow. "Lady, as long as I get paid, I don't give a dinar's ass what y'all do. Did I mention the hefty finders fee?"
My former daughter's large brown eyes melted. "You really don't mind?" She even moved her lips strangely - I think it might'a been a smile. Now that we weren't related, I almost nearly liked her.
I shrugged, and gave a wry scrunch of my own lips. "Nah, why should I? This is just a business transaction to me."
Eve's face broke into a massive grin, and she grabbed me into a swift hug. "Look, you might not believe me, but I really am sorry for everything I did. Pretending to be your daughter - that was pretty low. If it's any consolation, I wish you could've been."
"Well, that's flattering and all. I guess I have a second chance now to recapture the carefree days of my youth, before the responsibilities of motherhood kick in." I unhooked myself from her and set her aside. Waaay too much emotion doing the rounds. Damn teenagers in love - it was like a damn plague, spreading around us and turning us into bundles of mush. Well, not me of course. I was far too battle hardened and world weary for that.
"Here..." Lao Ma fished around in the backpack, pulled something out and tossed it at me. "Here's your finders fee. Thank you, Xena. You found my son, safe and sound. I owe you a debt."
I weighed the chop bars surreptitiously in my hand. "Entirely my pleasure," I grinned.
With a wave, they disappeared towards the ferry boats and loved-up freedom.
****
Part 15 - I'd Like To Have You, On A Slow Boat From China..
"So sweetheart," I began, dropping my baggage onto the wharf while my beautiful blonde assistant caught me up. "Are you looking forward to getting home?"
Gabrielle smiled at me as she took a last look around, enjoying the colours, scents and bustle of Chin life. "Yeah, I guess. It's great to travel and I've really enjoyed the experience, it's really been fun. But I want to sleep in my own bed."
"I wanna sleep in your own bed too, sweetheart," I cracked, earning myself a chuckle, a blush and a smack around the head. "Anyway, we have pressing business at home. Bills to settle." I jingled our luggage, bursting with newly minted gold coins and the remaining chop bars. "And I'm sure business is piling up. Who else is gonna solve all them mysterious crimes? People need us, sweetheart."
"Yeah, it's nice to be needed." We strolled over to a small stand of food sellers and stocked up for our journey - dried fruits and jerky, a few amphorae of wine and some fresh food for later, in case the ship's cook couldn't. "Seems strange to be leaving without Najara."
"Apparently, she and Eli have much work to do." Yeah, of the beast-backed variety, judging by the racket coming from their room this morning.
She nodded happily as she browsed through the wares on display. "Lots of souls to save."
"Yeah, that too." They plainly believed that the route to the soul was through the body, judging by the amount of times I'd caught them working on it.
"They're off to India next. Eli wants to study more Eastern religions. And Najara said something about some book she wanted to read. Karma something." She paused, a beautifully woven silk scarf between her fingers. "So, Xena. How do you feel about everything that's happened?"
"Well I feel pretty darn good about the improvement in our fiscal situation." I jingled my money pouch - it held just a fraction of the melted down chop bars, but I figured would get us home in comfort and style. Although I had a feeling that we still might have to share a cabin. Funny that.
"I didn't mean the money." We strolled back to the water's edge and made our way up the gangplank and onto the sail boat which was to be our home for the next few weeks. "I meant Eve. Xena, in the space of a few weeks you gained and lost a daughter. I just want you to know that if you want to talk, I'm here for you."
Talk? Was the woman crazy? Had she somehow mysteriously forgotten who I was? I was Xena, Scourge of the Seven Seas; Destroyer of Nations, Lion of Amphipolis and champion scissor-paper-stone player. I didn't get where I am today by talking!
"Nah, no need Gabrielle." I unlocked our cabin door and we entered the tiny but well-scrubbed room. "Actually, I'm secretly relieved the whole daughter thing was a scam. I couldn't stand the moaning cow. Saves me having to pretend to be nice, which let's face it, I'm just not good at. No, the whole experience was very useful. I learned I don't have a maternal bone in my body. At least that's one thing I don't have to regret anymore."
She unpacked our bags in thoughtful silence while I hung out hammocks. "I'm sorry you have regrets, Xena. I wish you didn't."
"Well, I ain't lived a whiter-than-white life, have I sweetheart? Thank the Gods I have regrets, and guilt, and shame. Means I still have a conscience someplace inside. And that means I still have a heart. And a chance."
"You have one of the biggest hearts I know. I bet you'd have made a wonderful mother."
"Sure, sweetheart." I swung myself into my hammock and settled back for an entertaining evening of watching Gabrielle trying to get into hers. " But I know I make a better lover." I winked; she blushed and simpered and slapped at me. Laughing, I pulled out a fat cigar from my boot and lit up.
"I'll take your word for that," she retorted with a wry smile.
"Why take my word? Try a trial period. There's a lot more on offer." I waggled my eyebrows at her.
"I know. And we have a long journey ahead of us."
"And you get seasick. Ya need something to take your mind off things." I was sure my eyes were glittering.
"That's true. I'm not looking forward to the journey. Maybe it's time I stopped worrying about things and just went for it. Enjoyed myself. After all, it can't be wrong, can it? It's better to try something, than to spend your time wondering." I nodded, in complete agreement of whatever the Hades she was saying. "And we still have so much time together, don't we?"
"I sure hope so, sweetheart. This is one helluva long voyage."
"I wasn't talking about the sea voyage. But maybe it's a place to start. A trial period, if you like."
"Then you better buckle up, baby. It's gonna be one helluva bumpy ride!"
She laughed, and bolted the cabin door.
The end.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5
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