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Now, being the stoic warrior that I am, I react to momentous events like this in a calm, collected manner. Gabrielle on the other hand, is a wee bit more emotional than me.
Jeez, one teensy little daughter and she flips her lid. How can I be expected to keep track of every offspring that happens to pop out at the most inopportune moments? I think some of the names she called me really were shocking, for a religious devotee. And those hand gestures... There was just no need for that.
I think she even shocked Eli. He scarpered to the town centre in search of lost souls to be saved, obviously figuring that I was now officially beyond redemption.
I tried explaining to her, I really did, but it was kinda hard with all the bitch-slapping she was giving me. My ears were really starting to hurt, what with being thumped so much but that was okay ‘cos at least it kept her focussed on my upper body. My eyes were still watering from the knee to the groin she'd given me earlier.
"Gabrielle! It was back when I was evil! Honest!"
For some strange reason, that seemed to get to Eve a bit. I dunno - what is it with these overly sensitive teens? "What are you saying?" she screamed, teen tonsils working overtime. "That it didn't matter?"
I gave her my best ingratiating smile. "Things were different then. I had loose morals. It was all to do with the evil. But don't worry sweetheart - you know I got it all out of my system."
It didn't mollify either of ‘em. Gabrielle's face was turning redder and her language was getting riper. And as for Eve - she looked like Medusa on a bad hair day. She opened her mouth and I expected snakes to come skittering out and turn my ass to stone. "What exactly is that supposed to mean? That I'm somehow evil too?" I just couldn't win - it was either piss Gabrielle off, or piss Eve off.
"Now sweetie - Mommy didn't mean to imply you were evil..."
Both of the women in my life spluttered at that. The blonde one got there first with the cutting riposte. "Mommy? You have the nerve to call yourself a mother?"
"Saying you have any maternal instinct is like saying a praying mantis looks for a life partner." Damn me but that Eve had a sharp mind and a sharper tongue. I was so proud.
"I don't believe you, Xena." Gabrielle finally stopped slapping me and stood, hands on hips and with a hurt look in her eyes. "I just don't know what to think. I thought we were friends? I thought we trusted one another?"
"We did... we do, sweetheart!"
"I know you've had a past. I expect things to come crawling out of the woodwork. I'm getting used to coming across lovers and enemies. Business partners. But children?" Her eyes grew larger with even more hurt. "Children? How could you not tell me you had a daughter?"
"Well I dunno, Gabrielle. I'd forgotten. It was all part of my evil past. I guess I just tried to block it all out." I stared at her beseechingly, hoping she was buying this. Then I remembered the daughter. "No offence, kid. What's your name again?"
The teenager glowered at me. "Eve."
"Mommy's so proud of you, Eve. You've made such a success of yourself. Marrying a rich man. Ever done any warlording? Little bit of mayhem, maybe?"
"What do you think?" she sneered.
I beamed proudly. "Chip off the old block. Love your hair, by the way."
The damn kid was hard to please. Even the compliments I was lavishing - lavishing! - on her didn't shake those twisted lips straight. She sure didn't get that from me - I wasn't one to bear a grudge. Usually because my grudgee was dead soon after. That was what I called closure.
Gabrielle wasn't looking much better. I knew I wouldn't be getting no closure tonight. Gods, if she was this antsy about Eve, imagine what she'd be like if she ever found out about the boy I'd had with Borias. What was his name again? Sorority? Sealion... no, waitasec... Solon. He was holed up with the horse people. I hardly ever went to visit these days - they never let me see him and just made me muck out the stables. I mean, what's that about? Can't they tell a doting mother when they see one? Anyway, life was waaay too short to be breaking the news about more progeny of mine when the atmosphere was still a touch strained.
My unerring senses told me that I better calm things down, and quick. "Anyone for fish? Eve, come and tell your old mother what you've been up to. I wanna hear all about it."
****
Eli had fish skin stuck in his beard, but it didn't seem to bother him none. He licked his fingers and waved to Eve as she sauntered off, heading back to the palace where apparently Ming would be putting their dinner on the table. "Well, Xena. She certainly does take after you."
I glowed with maternal pride. "Ya think?"
He nodded. "Ruthless, ambitious and without conscience."
I fanned myself, lumps forming in my throat. "I just couldn't be prouder." I dashed away a surreptitious tear. "My little girl, all growed up."
Gabrielle seemed to have taken over as Chief Glowerer. "Yesterday you couldn't stand her."
"Yeah, but it's different when they're your own."
"She didn't seem to like you too much, Xena." Eli continued to shove his massive feet into his massiver mouth.
"She's playing it cool. All little girls want to be Mommy's best friend. After all, we share so much. Flesh. Blood. Fantastic bone structure. She'll be fine once she gets to know me."
"Xena, how do you know she's even yours? She could be anyone. For Gods' sake, you don't even remember having a daughter." The leper at the birthday party, Gabrielle was really getting into the role.
"That's true. I guess it could'a been that time just after the Mesopotamians... she does have quite a dark complexion. But I remember that as more of a flesh wound, not really a birth thing. Got the scar here someplace... Now the son I remember..."
"Son?" Blonde eyebrows gathered menacingly and green eyes started to shoot fire bolts which would'a made Zeus himself jealous.
"Yes, the sun... was out so it must'a been high summer..." I improvised wildly. "Gabrielle, it's not like you to be so suspicious. Anyone'd think you're jealous or something. You're not jealous, are you?" I finished, hopefully.
"Don't be ridiculous." The fire bolts receded a little. "But I am a bit sceptical. I just think we should play it by ear, do a bit of digging around. Let's wait till Najara gets back - see what she's found out."
****
That damn weirdo Najara turned up early evening, along with her Djinn and a
flagon of rice wine. And a huge smile on her face, just to really rub it in
that she'd been having fantastic sex all afternoon and I hadn't. Apparently,
lover boy was now on duty. Surprised he had the energy, since he'd been standing
to attention all day, if ya catch my drift.
It took several candlemarks of wheedling and flirting from Gabrielle to get the damn broad to cough what she'd learned. Which, as it happens, was bugger all since she'd spent most of the day flat on her back and calling out to the Djinn. The tiny bits of information she'd been able to glean had come via pillow talk and from a coupl'a trips to the communal lavatories where apparently she'd put her ears to good use and her hands to better, topping up her earnings nicely. I was starting to think that she was a bit of a liability.
You know, I just don't get it. She screws half of Ming's palace guards and gets a pat on the back from Eli and Gabrielle; I have a teeny bit of a misspent youth and I get wall to wall preaching and hectoring, morning to night. Profligate sex is obviously not as bad in the internal damnation stakes. Mind you, I had a sneaking suspicion we were neck and neck on the old ‘burning the peasants' gig; my penchant had been for torching the odd village (but only as a last resort, you understand and there had been hardly any pleasure involved) and hers seemed to be for setting bonfires under those whose souls she deemed unsaveable. Apparently though, committing mass murder for spiritual reasons seemed to be okay in Gabrielle's and Eli's books. What is it with these religious types?
Najara was definitely turning into the biggest religious nutjob I'd ever met. Her fervent zeal seemed to be surpassed only by her voracious sexual appetite. I even caught her putting a few moves on Eli - I mean, how desperate is that? Just as long as she didn't keep on putting them on Gabrielle. That sweet, sweet blonde was spoken for.
Eli and Najara disappeared after dinner to 'meditate', leaving me and Gabrielle alone. At long last. We mused in companionable silence, broken only by the sounds of the reeds stirring along the river bank and the noises of the lusty meditations of our travelling companions.
"Gabrielle, why are they still here?" I asked plaintively.
"Because they're my friends," she snapped. "Why are you still here?"
The point was made so pointedly that I swear I could feel it poking into my back. "Sweetheart, c'mon. Don't be like that. This has been a huge shock for me, you know. It's like I've come face to face with my past. You know I'm haunted by it at the best of times, but to have it arrive in person... I feel as though every evil act I've committed, every person I've ever killed has come back to claim retribution. Can you imagine what that feels like?"
Her lovely expressive face softened. "I didn't think of it that way. I'm so sorry. I've been so selfish, just thinking of me."
Whew! I was kinda surprised she'd bought it, 'cos I reckoned I'd been laying it on kinda thick. I decided I'd better not press the point. "And I'm really worried that came across to Eve. She is my daughter, but that doesn't mean she's the living embodiment of every evil that was in my life back then."
"I suppose children aren't born evil," Gabrielle conceded, looking a bit sceptical.
"Yes. That's why I'd never want her to feel as though she is an unwanted piece of evil garbage from my past. Or that I think she's irredeemable. After all, where would I be now if you thought that about me?"
"Well, I suppose she is your daughter after all."
"Exactly. I think it's only fair I spend time with her. I know it can never make up for the years of neglect. I feel I have so much to make up for. The girl's obviously crying out for love."
"I suppose you should spend time with her."
"Yes, I think it's my duty as a mother." Gabrielle nodded her agreement, albeit still a bit reluctant seeming.
How cool was all this? My daughter was married to a very rich ruler. Who lived in a palace. Did I mention the riches? And the palace? Some urges in a former rampaging warlord died hard - conquest, robbery, terror, those sorts of things. Maybe the urge to rape and pillage wasn't as strong as it used to be - old age does creep up on a body - but the urge to lie about in luxury, waited on hand and foot by willing slaves all day was still there. Plus it would mean unlimited supplies of those gorgeous little crab dumplings. Even Gabrielle thought it had to be done. Plus, how impressed would she be, when I lavished her with expensive gifts, delicious food and beautiful robes? Impressed in a 'take my clothes off right now, Xena' kinda way, I bet!
I was onto a winner and no mistake.
The only downside I could see was having to spend time with that awful wailing teen.
****
The irritating progeny of mine and some guy's loins wasted no time in telling
me I couldn't move into the palace. Awful wretch. Anyone'd think she bore a
grudge or something, although I couldn't think why. I mean, I turned up eventually,
didn't I? Handily missing the projectile poo and vomiting stages of babyhood,
the terrible toddler stages and the prolonged agony of adolescence. Perfect
timing all round.
I turned on my considerable charm. It didn't work. Jeez, what was with her? There was only one thing to do.
I struck a deal with Ming. Three goes with Najara and no questions asked. He threw in all the spare ribs I could eat. All things considered - the death threats, mainly - I think it was a good deal.
Oh yeah - I offered to track down his missing son, too. I think that was what swung it for the spare ribs.
****
Part 11 - Clues, Clues Everywhere And Not A Drop To Drink..
Gabrielle seemed suitably impressed when she was ushered into my private chambers. She settled herself onto a pile of plump cushions laced with gold thread, and stared around with saucer eyes.
"Nice place. Where's Eve?"
"Who? Oh yeah, her. She's sulking someplace. Teenagers, eh?"
She looked disapproving, which was no mean feat as she managed to squeeze a bit of resignation, disappointment and irritation in too. "I thought you were staying here so you could spend quality time with her?"
"Oh, she's hardly ever here. I dunno what she does with herself all day. Najara mentioned something about horses and the riverboats. Anyway, that's my cover story. I'm really here undercover."
"As yourself?"
"I am a master of disguise, and undercover work is my speciality. So disguising myself as a doting mother is practically second nature to me. And while I'm here, doting and all, I can snoop around for leads on Ming T'ien."
"Good, 'cos you need some. I had to send the latest update to Lao Ma and the messenger told me she isn't happy with our lack of progress. Or the expenses we're charging her. Word is she's sold her share of the restaurant and she's on her way. I estimate you probably have a week at the most before she shows up here and demands either her son or your ass in a sling."
My smile faltered a little. That dame was scarier'n Hera having a bad hair day. And sexy too, in a kinda scary-assed, terrifying way. But I knew I could drive her wild with lust and frankly, Gabrielle was proving strangely impervious to my charms with the result that I was gagging for it. Having Najara around flaunting her damn orgasms all over the place wasn't helping any either. Maybe having Lao Ma turn up wouldn't be so bad.
"Shouldn't be a problem. I'm sure we'll get a lead by then. If not, we'll just dig up another kid and send him in as a ringer. Tea?"
"What?" Her face dropped, aghast. "I don't believe you just said that. I misheard, didn't I? Tell me I misheard."
"Jeez, calm down sweetheart. It isn't as though she's seen him lately." I clicked my fingers; servants immediately appeared at my side and then melted back into the scenery with my order for tea and dim sum.
She sighed deeply. She does that a lot, I noticed. Some sorta breathing dysfunction, I figured. "Are you sure Ming doesn't mind you being here? The mother-in-law from Hades."
I graciously ignored the undercurrent of criticism. "He asked. He's real worried about his son. I know he hides it well. The man is a cold, unfeeling ogre with a ruthless lust for power and no sense of morals but he does seem to like his son."
We were ushered over to a rush mat laid next to a small, low-level tea table. Tiny china cups were placed before us and, after performing some elaborate tea drinking ceremonies, the servants became wall hangings again.
"Blood is thicker than... blood..." Gabrielle reached out and drew a tiny cup of the tea. She sipped delicately at the fragrant brew.
"Exactly. It's the same with me and Eve." I poured my own cup, then slurped at it. "She might be a whiny mongrel with worse mood swings than Ares with PMS but if anything were to happen to her, I'd be inconsolable. Probably. Mostly. Not as much as I'd be if anything happened to you, of course." I thought I better reassure her, in case she got jealous. 'Cos let's face it, life was way too short to be dealing with Gabrielle with an attack of the green-eyed monster. "That really would piss me off. I might have to revert back to my evil self then. Sack a few villages, that sort of thing."
"Stop rambling. I get the message." She reached out a hand and took a tiny dumpling from one of the plates. "I hadn't realised Ming was actually worried about his son. He hides it well."
I had stuffed three triangles of prawn toast into my mouth. "Can't show weakness," I crunched in reply. "Enemies would take advantage. Kidnap the boy, maybe murder him. S'what I would'a done. Back when I was evil, of course," I added hastily, sending a slight shower of toast crumbs and prawns all over her. "I wouldn't do that now."
"Well, someone has already beaten you to it anyway. What have you picked up so far?"
"Not much," I conceded reluctantly. It wasn't often that my many skills failed me but I was drawing blanks all over the place on this case. "I just can't get a break. I can't figure it out. It's like he's just disappeared. One day he was here, playing chess in his room, the next he was gone. Vanished without a trace."
We sipped our tea thoughtfully and in companionable silence for a little while. "I can't believe he just disappeared like that," remarked Gabrielle thoughtfully as she munched on the last spare rib. "There had to be some trace, surely?"
I clicked my fingers and ordered more tea and ribs. "Well, they smashed their way through the walls. Damn things were only made of paper. Snatched him away on horseback. The tracks headed off to the river and then disappeared - looks like the rider rode along the riverbed to hide their tracks."
A fresh plate of meats and nibbles landed in front of us, quickly followed by a new pot of tea and clean crockery. We barely noticed the servants as they wavered out of our consciousness once more. Gotta hand it to Ming, his servants were top notch. Couldn't bring myself to ask about his training methods though. I suspected employee motivation wasn't high on his priorities.
Gabrielle, squatting prettily on the floor opposite me, sipped thoughtfully at her tea and fished tea leaves from her cup. "Xena, did you say 'rider' as in - there was only one of them?"
I nodded. "S'right. Only one rider busted through the wall, and the tracks outside indicated one horse carrying a fairly light weight. One rider - until they tossed Ming T'ien over the saddle and made off with him."
"One rider. That's interesting. Don't you think that's interesting, Xena?"
I admit I was barely listening - I had some serious business with some spare ribs to be getting on with. Plus, Gabrielle had some sauce trickling down her chin and the urge to leap over the table and lick it all off - including from parts it hadn't even gotten onto - was overpowering. Luckily, my legendary self control and inscrutability prevailed. "Mmmm? Interesting? How...?" She stared at me blankly, obviously confused. "Uhh, I mean how perceptive of you, Gabrielle." The confusion vanished in an instant, to be replaced with a deep flush of pleasure. "Your training's really coming on. So let's do a quick pop quiz. Obviously I already have sifted all the clues but I want to test your thinking. Thinking is vitally important in this business. It's hard to solve cases without it. And no solved cases means no fees. Which means unpleasantness all round when trying to get into the peep show of a Friday night down at the Hairy Butcher." But of course, that wasn't important right now. "So, tell me what you're thinking." I settled back, satisfyingly full of ribs and sauce and tea, and got ready to see my best assistant in action. 'Cos frankly, I was stumped and really hoping that Gabrielle could work some sorta miracle. And in return, she might even let me perform one of my own!
She squirmed on her cushion, and re-crossed her legs, settling down like a cat on a sun-soaked seat. "Well, I'm sure you've probably figured this out already. It's just that you said there was one rider. It just seems to me that kidnapping a boy from under the noses of his family and all the other people in this household - well, that's one very confident person. They must've really known what they were doing."
"Preparation is the key to these sorts of operations. And sheer kahunas, of course. Nobody had bigger kahunas than me, in my heyday."
"That's my point. The preparation. How did they know where Ming T'ien would be? It's not as though they rampaged through every room in the palace looking for him. Straight in, get the boy and straight out. They knew exactly where they were going and what they were doing."
Jeez, this baby could talk. Unfortunately she was talking way too much for me. I'd gotten distracted by those lovely lips. Rather than confess to a slight case of inattention and risk a night of blonde wrath, I decided I better play it safe. "Gabrielle, what's your conclusion?"
"I'm thinking - man on the inside?"
My jaw dropped. An inside job? I hadn't thought of that. But that wasn't important right now. "By the Gods, you're right! They must've had some inside knowledge. But who?"
"Maybe you need to question Ming about his household some more."
"Gabrielle, you're absolutely right. We'll do it later. Right now, we need to get serious about the matter in hand. More ribs? I could sure squeeze in a crispy duck or three. After all, it is lunchtime. Ming T'ien ain't going noplace anytime soon."
She looked doubtful. "Xena, don't you think we ought to pursue this line of inquiry while it's fresh in our minds?"
Damn me but that girl almost had as much focus as me. But I was focussing on my stomach, and my focussing skills were way better than hers. "Gabrielle! Crispy duck! I can't investigate on an empty stomach. Crispy duck!"
"I guess it can't do any harm to have a little snack..."
****
Here's an interesting and little known fact. Eating six whole ducks in a half
hour kinda has a detrimental effect on a body. Although now that I come to think
of it, the headaches, nausea and room spinning might'a had more to do with the
five flagons of rice wine we were forced to drink to wash down all that salty,
dry, crispy old duck.
The consequence of all this was that we spent the entire day passed out, me flat on my back with Gabrielle snuggled into my side. Had to be one of the best damn days of my life. Particularly since it meant that I got to not spend time with the whining daughter.
****
Eve was toying with her food at the banqueting table when we finally roused
ourselves and went downstairs. The food was putting up a good fight back though.
Personally, I wouldn't have said that baiting a hapless slave constituted a
balanced diet but I guess that's how my daughter kept her girlish figure. Unlike
me - I could feel my earlier duck orgy heading straight for my already ample
parts. I didn't mind too much about that, though. First thing you learn as a
trainee marauding warlord - a girl's parts could never be too ample. Gods knew
but mine'd earned their money many, many times over the years.
"Nice of you to show up," grumped the whining misery known as Eve as she chased a stray spring onion around her plate. "Mommy dearest."
Aw, how sweet. I may not always be the model mother but she still used endearments when talking to me. Now that's what I call mother and daughter bonding.
I smiled indulgently across the table at her. "Mommy's pleased to be spending time with you too, sweetie." That earned me another glower. "I was thinking - maybe we could go riding tomorrow? I hear you're a great horse woman. Chip off the old block, that's what you are!"
"Oh. I wouldn't want you to have to drag yourself away from anything important." She cut sly eyes towards Gabrielle, who remained obliviously trying to balance noodles on her chopsticks.
"Don't you worry about it, sweetie. Gabrielle can come with me. Although just between us, she rides a horse about as well as Aphrodite bakes a cake." I leaned across and patted Eve's wrist reassuringly. "Mommy and Auntie Gabby are really looking forward to seeing all the things you get up to all day when you go off on your mysterious rides, lasting hours... going off who knows where, with who knows who... Daughters should never have secrets from their mothers."
Eve's mouth was gaping. The expression on her face almost looked like horror, but that couldn't be right. What girl wouldn't want to spend time with her mother? It was probably the closest to excitement she ever got. Plus, I was betting she was thinking it'd be kinda cool to introduce her super-cool mother to all her young, hip friends. See, young people love me, because of my innate style and charm. Plus the reputation gives me big kudos too. I mean, how many kids can say their mom is the Destroyer of Nations? The Lion of Amphipolis? The Alpha and Omega of evil warlording? I couldn't wait to be cool and hang with the kids.
I could tell Eve was excited by the way she started off coughing and wheezing. I figured it was asthma 'cos what else would cause her to hyperventilate like that? "Baby, are you alright?" I leaned across and banged her on the back, fairly sure that would knock the asthma off. The wheezing got worse. "Tell Mommy where it hurts and I'll make it all better." I pulled out my dagger and my emergency sewing kit - a girl never knew when she might be called on to do a bit of life saving surgery.
Gabrielle shoved me back down in my chair and took hold of the situation, which for some reason was starting to get a bit out of hand. I loved it when she got all masterful.
"Xena, sit down and calm down. Eve doesn't want you hanging all over her waving knives around. Plus Ming looks about ready to kill you himself." Ming was in the corner, briefing some assassins and giving me lots of meaningful looks. I was quite glad I didn't know what they meant. "Honestly, Xena. Can't you remember what you were like at Eve's age?"
"A pirate? Crucified? Or do you mean that thing with the entire Athenian army and a tube of..."
"No! I meant needing space."
"Yeah. I needed a buffer zone."
I swear I could hear Gabrielle growl. Must'a been that chesty cough she still hadn't shaken off. Funny how all the women in my life lately had developed respiratory problems. Apart from Najara, of course, who just caused 'em in everyone else.
"The last thing Eve probably wants," explained Gabrielle deliberately, "is to have her mother trying to 'hang with the kids' in a pathetic attempt to belong. Or recapture her youth. Or make up for lost time."
I stuck my lower lip out. "Jeez, Gabrielle. Tell it like it is, why don't you?"
Her green eyes softened and she patted my arm gently. "Xena, I'm sure Eve will introduce you to her friends in good time, if you ask her nicely."
Eve, who had been huffing and squirming all through this little discussion, shoved her plate away and shot to her feet. "I don't believe you! You just turn up after all this time, out of the blue, and start trying to act like my mother! It's so unfair!"
You're telling me it's so damn unfair! All I was trying to do was fulfil my maternal duties, and boy was I getting grief! "I'm just trying to take an interest, that's all. That's what mothers do. Where do you go all day, anyway?"
"I am not introducing you to my friends! It would be so embarrassing. I wouldn't want people to know we actually share blood."
"Honestly, anyone'd think you were ashamed of me or something!"
My acute senses were picking up on the fact that the atmosphere was growing a tad tenser. Gabrielle was desperately trying to calm things down, Eli had decided it was safer to keep a low profile and was off trying to convert the kitchen staff, while Ming had retreated to one of his many bedrooms, to cash in on his Najara deal.
Ming didn't stay away for too long - possibly another explanation for my daughter's permanent strop - and joined us for the fifth course, right in the middle of Gabrielle trying to wrestle Eve off me. Ming's eyes brightened - he obviously was developing a thing for blondes. Pity for him. He already had my daughter; no way was he getting his chopsticks into my blonde.
"What are you doing with my honourable wife?" Spreading his beautifully ornate robes, he parked his backside next to Eve and started in on the fish.
"She's my honourable daughter!"
"May I remind you," he stated politely, "that Eve is a grown woman who also happens to be married to the Head of the House of Ming and, as such, carries all hopes for the future of the Ming dynasty. Particularly now that my beloved son is no longer here. Please treat her with respect."
Najara, who had settled herself at Ming's other elbow and was shovelling prawns and squid into her mouth like it was her last meal - such a dainty eater; I guess she had to stoke that voracious sexual appetite somehow - nodded in agreement. "You ought to be more sympathetic, Xena. These people are grieving. Grieving!"
I watched Ming crack open a lobster claw and suck the meat out. "Don't look too cut up to me," I mumbled, earning a surreptitious kick under the table from Gabrielle. She followed it up with a series of exaggerated eyebrow wiggles and head nods, which I took to mean 'I'm wild with desire - whisk me off to bed now, Xena, you sexy piece' but astoundingly turned out to be her way of telling me I should grill him about his son. Honestly, it was an easy mistake to make! I knew it'd take weeks of solid apologizing to make up for the ensuing embarrassment. Although I really didn't think it was at all necessary to dump the entire bowl of won ton soup in my lap. It's not as if I meant to drop her on her ass - if a body wriggles when being hauled onto another body's shoulder, what does the first body expect?
I shook the dumplings out of my breastplate and, with as much dignity as I could muster, apologised. Resentfully. But I only did it for Gabrielle! Well, and Eve, I suppose. Although right now, I wasn't sure my daughter deserved an apology - she seemed to be going out of her way to upset her poor old mother.
Peace was restored - my infallible warrior investigator senses told me it was only ever gonna be temporary - and we finished our seafood in silence. While the bowls were being cleared and the main courses came, Gabrielle cleared her throat and broke the mood.
"I hear Lao Ma arrives in a few days."
Ming's entire body stiffened. "That daughter of a..." He made the evil eye sign all around the room. "Bad things will surely follow. That woman is a harbinger of doom if ever I met one."
"That's no way to talk about the mother of your son," admonished Gabrielle. "Anyway, we met her in Greece and she seemed perfectly charming. And apart from a little seasickness on the trip over, nothing bad has happened."
Ming didn't miss a beat. "She sent you here. That's pretty bad from where I'm sitting."
I felt all defensive, for some reason. Although I had to concede he did have a point. After all, if his son disappearing wasn't bad enough, he was landed soon after with the raving Najara and the annoying Eli as semi-permanent house guests. Bet he was thanking the Gods I was there, the only sane one with any social skills of the lot. And Gabrielle, of course, who was nothing short of an earthly angel.
"I should never have married her," continued Ming. "It was a marriage of convenience. I wanted sex, and she was convenient. On the night we wed, all the dogs howled and the rats deserted the palace. So much for the wedding feast!"
As one, every pair of eyes dropped down to our plates of chicken - come to think of it, I'd never seen a hen coop anywhere in the palace. Discretely, I spat out the leg I'd been gnawing on.
"Animals know, you see," continued Ming as he reminisced. "It was hell. I could never understand a word she said; she spoke in metaphor and simile. It was impossible to have a normal conversation. And then, there were the powers." He evil-eyed again. "All that levitating. Things flying all over the place. Pots breaking - she was costing me a fortune in crockery. The people loved her, of course. They didn't see the scary side of her. I hear she does terrible things to poor Lao Tsu."
We all shuddered.
"The only good thing to come out of it all was our son." To my surprise - everyone's, really - he teared up. So the dirty old ruthless son of a bacchai really did have feelings!
"Have you heard any more?" enquired Gabrielle, leaning over and patting his shoulder. Eve was doing the same, rather stiffly - almost reluctantly, it seemed.
"All I wanted was a normal life!" he hiccoughed into Eve's neck. "A normal wife. One who would hang on my every word, walk three paces behind me in the street and indulge my every fantasy in bed. One out of three just wasn't enough!"
Honestly, I was quite disgusted to hear him whining and whimpering like a little girl. All my illusions of him being an implacable, bloodthirsty ruler were evaporating.
He snuffled into Eve's shoulder. "Thank goodness I still have my beautiful second wife. She will give me quivering orgasms and bear me many strapping sons, now that the feeble one I had allowed himself so disgracefully to be kidnapped and held to ransom."
My ears pricked up. "Bear you many sons? I'm gonna be a grandma?"
Gabrielle's ears had also pricked up. "Held to ransom?"
Ming nodded as he wiped his nose on his sleeve. "This was delivered this morning." A piece of thick, yellowed paper glided across the table top. "I've had it translated for you."
"Wait!" I slammed my hands palm-up onto the richly polished wood of the banqueting table. Everyone paused, staring at me in anticipation. "You said orgasms! I hope you're not planning to have sex with my daughter?"
I winced from the huge and unnecessarily violent pinching that Gabrielle inexplicably gave me. "What?"
Three pairs of eyes rolled simultaneously. Gabrielle's seemed to roll the most, like little balls spinning in their sockets. "Xena, don't you think you should look at this? It contains potentially valuable information about the case."
The handwriting was appalling - like a spider had died a slow, lingering death all over the page. Honestly, where's the professional pride? Not to mention the spelling, which Gabrielle said was worse than an illiterate two year old's. "By the Gods, who wrote this?"
"I did," stated Eve. "I'm the only person who can speak, read and write both languages."
"Great job, sweetie." I turned and beamed at Gabrielle. "My daughter can read and write. With quills and everything! I'm so proud!"
"Give me that!" Gabrielle snatched the parchment from my hands and squinted at it, evidently hoping that would make the squiggles clearer. It was like trying to decipher hieroglyphics written by a blind man. "It says here - I think - that your son is being held to ransom. You are to drop fifty thousand chop bars - chop bars?"
"Currency system over here," I murmured absently. "Gold melted down and formed into small, thin strips. Easy to transport, easy to exchange. Easy to melt down if needed. Almost impossible to track."
Her lips pursed. "Anyway, they want you to leave it in a carriage with fresh horses in the glade to the north of the palace. They say they'll put Ming T'ien into a boat and deliver him via the river."
Ming scrunched his face. "Stupid boy. Why could he not valiantly fight his way free? This is no way for a future Ruler of Chin to behave. I'm almost tempted to let the little snot stew."'
Everyone's eyes widened in horror. "You can't!" burst out Eve. "You have to pay the ransom!" She was the most animated I'd seen her all week; in fact, she looked quite panicky.
Mind you, even I was shocked, and the Gods knew I wasn't exactly brimming with maternal instincts. But I was Hestia compared to Ming. "He's your son, you cold-hearted bastard!"
"He must be absolutely terrified, wherever he is, the poor thing," declared Gabrielle, full of warm compassion as ever.
Ming's eyes narrowed and suddenly he looked even uglier than usual. "If he is to rule this country, he must become as rock; hardened and resilient. Fear will make him weak until he learns that it must be controlled."
"Like you had to?" I sneered, remembering, taunting him with our shared memories of a time long gone - good times! Or at least, I certainly had enjoyed the murder, mayhem and snuggly warm fur coats. Probably Ming might'a had mixed feelings, what with the extortion and murder of his brothers and all.
He stared at me coldly. "As we all must. As you taught me, long ago, Xena. I admit, I was a weak, whimpering fool back then. Overrun with emotions. I got what I deserved. You." We stared at each other in silent, unforgiving hostility. "You made me the man I am today. Thank you." A sneering little smile stretched his lips; nothing made it to his eyes. They were cold, hard. Lifeless. Like a dead fish. Come to think of it, he smelt a bit of dead fish too.
Just between us, I felt a little sick. Must'a been all the rat I'd been eating. I figured I better have a word with Ming's cook. Plus, it was kinda hard, being slapped in the face with your past like that. Sure, I knew my evil past had repercussions - and no, I ain't talking about Cally and the Cirra thing. Everyone knew that broad was whacko before I got involved with her. Besides, no real damage was done - just a few charred pots in her treehouse and definitely NOT the torching of her entire village and the heartless death of her parents. In fact, Cally's mum and dad still send me Solstice cards and I still popped by for tea whenever I was up their way. No, I was talking about the twisting of a human being, warped with anger, hatred... kinda like I had been before the Big Guy found me. Before I had Gabrielle to help me find my humanity again.
I felt sorry for Ming. I felt sorry for Ming T'ien. And most of all, I felt sorry for Eve. Ming would warp them all, in his misguided quest for strength. Was that what I wanted for my daughter? To be like me?
Jeez, all this thinking was giving me a headache.
"Right now, he's the only son you've got," pointed out Gabrielle. "And it doesn't look like Eve's in the mood to give you another - and I suspect Xena would cut your parts off rather than let that happen, judging by the look on her face."
"Too right," I growled.
"So unless you're planning to adopt, I suggest you get the chop money together and give it to us. We'll make the drop, as instructed."
"You think I'm going to trust you with my money?" he shot back incredulously.
There was a sudden commotion at the entrance to the banqueting hall. Ming went deathly pale as Lao Ma swept in. She gave him the tiniest smile. "I would rather you trusted them with our son."
Ming made tiny evil-eye signs under the table. "How fortuitous you are here," he declared, giving her a teeth-only smile of his own. "You can pay half the ransom."
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5
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