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We rose at dawn the next day, or at least I did. Gabrielle refused to acknowledge that morning existed before ten, so I simply rolled her in a blanket, hoicked her over my shoulder and carried her down to the dock. After greasing the captain's palm a bit, I poured her into our hammock (would you believe it, they'd screwed up our booking and given us one cabin - and one hammock - to share? How in Hades name did these things happen?) and then scarpered so's I wouldn't be there when the fireworks hit.
The sun was well over the yardarm and the captain and I well into our cups when she eventually surfaced. I poured us both another hefty tot of rum and then held my breath and waited for the blonde thunderstorm to hit.
It never came.
"Xena, I don't feel so well," she whimpered as she hung in the doorway. Her face was the picture of misery, which was okay except I'd never seen misery look quite so green before.
"Whassup, schweetheart?" I slurred as I struggled to my feet. My innate sense of balance and sturdy sea legs meant that I could move freely and with my usual grace around the mess room. I bounced off every wall in the place as I tried to cross the floor to join her, causing the racks of salted herrings and other dried fishy foodstuffs to jiggle and waft. The stench was really quite revolting. Luckily my sense of smell was stunned into submission by the grog - err, I mean the iron grip of my self-control.
She went paler, and greener, if that were possible, as she followed my bouncing circuit of all the walls and surfaces. "Oh Gods, Xena, stop rolling round the room like that, you're making me feel..."
She threw up. All over the cook's feet.
It didn't go down so well.
Particularly after I'd punched him out. Nobody - but nobody! - talks like that to my lovely assistant. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I'm starting to suspect that it might have been the massive fight which broke out afterwards, ruining the whole mess and spilling most of the food and rum supplies that they'd laid down until the first port of call.
We were confined to our cabin for the rest of the trip. Can you believe it? Talk about sore losers. How many sailors did it take to sail a little bitty ship like this? Just because most of them had sustained some sort of unexplained injury that night in the mess hall. Who knew sailors bruised so easily? Well, okay - I call them bruises... I patched them up afterwards, didn't I? Ungrateful wretches. Come to think of it, that might've made things worse. Apparently sailors are far more skilled with a needle and thread than battle-hardened warriors.
Three weeks; just me, Gabrielle and one hammock all trapped together in a tiny little room. I couldn't have planned it better. It was the stuff that dreams (a certain type of dream anyway) are made of and didn't I wanna be turning those into my reality! I had already been laying out the lacy red garter, olive oil and peacock feathers in anticipation - we had to have something to while away the weeks, didn't we? - when she came staggering in, collapsed into the hammock and tossed her cookies again.
Three weeks. Just me, Gabrielle, Gabrielle's ever-roiling stomach and the ever-accompanying sounds of groaning and pleas to the Gods. Normally it would'a been another fantasy of mine to hear her groan to the Gods for three weeks solid but you know what? It's true what they say - some dreams are best left unfulfilled.
****
At last we hit land, and they let us out of the cabin for some fresh air. Gabrielle, who for some strange reason seemed to have lost a bit of weight, was out of our bolt-hole faster'n Salmonius at a two-for-one sale, parading around the shore on shaky legs and taking great, heaving gulps of salty fresh air. Her even firmer abs undulated gloriously, honed to perfection by all the exercise they'd been having recently, what with the throwing up and all.
We joined the shore party and foraged for a while, traded with some natives and took fresh stocks on board. Just as we were clambering into the rowboat to take our booty back, there was the unmistakable noise of yelling coming from our vessel. The guys hauled to and we made it over there in double quick time, to see what all the commotion was about.
Bloody hell. What is it with some people? You know, you're packing for a long sea voyage, you've got things to do - you can't be expected to remember every little detail or to do everything yourself. I didn't get to be the best Warrior Investigator in the business by not learning to delegate, so I'd sent a few of the boys round (well, Velasca, to be precise - she was a whole mess of boys, all rolled into one deadly package) to have Quiet Words. Issue a Friendly Warning. Recommend a Change in Career and a Long, Long Trip Outta Town.
Who knew the damn crazy psycho broad would take the advice to heart, and start a career as a damn stowaway? And on our ship, too. What are the odds on that happening? Some people just can't take a bit of Friendly Advice.
She'd been disguised as a sailor and had seemed to be getting away with it, what with her short hair, propensity for bawdy jokes, crotch scratching and all. The regulation pre-shore-leave bath had been her undoing. Not that she'd tried to get out of it - oh no, she'd been selling tickets. Made quite a tidy profit by all accounts.
It was the queueing system which gave her away. Bloody counter clerks, always creatures of habit.
I was pissed off. I'd missed the queue for the tickets.
Gabrielle was astonished. "Najara! What are you doing here? And why are you wearing nothing but a towel?"
The damn crazy chick started blushing and yanked the towel tighter, causing thirty five sailors and one over-sexed Warrior Investigator to groan their disappointment. Hey - she was blonde, she was naked and if I squinted my eyes just so, she was almost Gabrielle. It was probably the nearest I was gonna get to a naked blonde anytime soon, so I determined to enjoy it as long as I could.
Which wasn't long. Gabrielle vouched for her and brought her into our cabin. And threw me out. Can you believe it? One tiny little outstretched hand and a quick tug of a towel, and suddenly I'm exiled from my own sleeping quarters. The hundred dinars I made from the other grateful sailors was small comfort.
****
Part 6 - Fire and rice; a tale of salvation and facial hair..
The rest of the voyage passed pretty quickly, busy as I was with the other sailors in devising ever more desperate schemes to get Gabrielle and Najara out of our cabin, the nakeder the better. Needless to say, none of the schemes worked - I had high hopes for Najara but Gabrielle was an entirely different matter. Sometimes I despaired of my modestly virginal companion. Mostly I despaired of her staying that way. Other times I despaired of her not staying that way, and it having nothing to do with me.
Ah me, what's a frustrated and deeply in love Warrior to do when her best girl is off dallying with a psycho stowaway stalker?
I did the only thing I could do: I learned chess. Damn boring game. Pretty decent for strategic stuff I suppose but not nearly enough guts, gore and violence for my liking. I mean, how is anyone to work off their frustration and bloodlust by taking a pawn? Luckily the inspirational changes I made to the rules meant that Gabrielle and I left the ship considerably richer than when we'd joined it and I had twenty four men bonded through gambling debts into a reserve army if I ever fancied getting the boys together for a little light marauding one of these dull winter's days!
Also, due to the unfortunate side effects of the new rules, it meant that I had carved out quite a nice little sideline as ship's surgeon. It was amazing what a skilful Warrior Investigator masquerading as a ship's surgeon could learn from sailors needing emergency surgery after a heavy game of chess. Like, for example, the comings and goings of various vessels and whether or not they carried cargos of the kidnapped boy variety.
Not in the last six months, apparently. So at least I knew the boy was still in Chin, despite the wild goose chase that Lao Ma had apparently been sent on. I wondered why the kidnappers had felt it necessary to get rid of the mother for such a long time. Well, she'd be on her way back just as soon as she could sort out a buyer for her share of the restaurant and arrange a more luxurious passage back to Chin. We were the advance party.
The ship docked, its long journey finally finished. Gabrielle did a little celebratory dance when her feet touched the shore again, earning me several hundred yens and a hoi sin duck. I jangled my satisfyingly stuffed money pouch and stowed our bags onto the rickshaw that Gabrielle'd managed to flag down. Najara stood, looking rather lost and lonely on the side of the wharf. I took pity on her. "If you're a bit stuck, the captain's recruiting for the journey back in a few days. For some reason, he finds himself a bit short of able bodied seamen. I can put in a good word if you like? There's plenty of trade on the docks till the ship pulls out."
"Xena!" Gabrielle shoved me violently in the ribs. Her face looked like she might have been a bit aghast.
"Okay, fine." As a favour to Gabrielle, I relented. "I'll advance you some dough in the meantime so you don't have to do the whoring thing if you don't want to."
That earned me another violent shove, and a stage whisper that scoured my ear out, it was so piercing. "That isn't what I meant!"
"Jeez, Gabrielle - what do you want me to do? Take her with us?" I knew as soon as the words left my mouth that I shouldn't have said it. "I'm sure we're not even going her way."
"Where are you going?" Najara asked.
"Up country, to the Kingdom of Ming. We gotta see a man about a boy."
Najara's face brightened considerably. "Oh, that's funny - that's exactly where I'm headed!" She pushed her way onto the rickshaw's carriage, edging me outta the way, fat-assed psycho that she was.
"How ‘bout that?" I muttered as I crawled up onto the roof and settled down on top of the luggage.
****
The rickety old vehicle lumbered into life as our driver urged his donkey onwards. I hung down from the roof by my bootstraps and peered into the carriage through the window. "Psst." Gabrielle and Najara were busy chatting and I could see Najara touching Gabrielle's elbows and knees a lot. "Psssstttt!!" Seemed like nothing would disturb their cosy chit-chats.
"THIS IS A HOLD UP!"
That seemed to do the trick. The rickshaw lurched to a halt, the luggage flew off the roof and Najara was outta the door quickern' a flea off Darphus taking his annual bath. Gods, I knew that evening class I took in ventriloquism would come in handy one day. It never did any harm for a Warrior Investigator to have tricks up her sleeve.
"Pssst! Gabrielle!" I clambered into the carriage. Damnit, I was paying for it - I didn't see why I shouldn't have a comfy wooden bench instead of balancing precariously on top of the rucksacks.
"Xena - what's going on? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be out capturing those bandits who stopped us?"
I peered out of the window. "Nah - your friend seems to have things under control." Najara had somehow managed to acquire a sword from somewhere and was dashing around, rounding up all the peasants who happened to be in the vicinity. Apparently picking rice from the paddyfields was a highly illegal operation in her book, because she started lashing them all together with a length of rope until she had a great clump of tied-up peasants. "Gabrielle, what's she doing here anyway?"
Gabrielle's chest puffed up proudly. "She says she was inspired by me to go travelling too. Somehow she ended up in Chin, can you believe it?" I grunted vaguely. "But did you hear that, Xena? Me, an inspiration! I've never been anyone's inspiration before." She flushed again with delight, hugging the compliment to her chest like a guilty pleasure.
You know, for some strange reason I was quite touched that she should think that. Touched and horrified at the same time. Gods, didn't she know already what a special person she was? "But Gabrielle, every day you inspire me. You make me want to be a better person. You're my inspiration." I was quite amazed at how astonished she looked. Amazed, and more than a little guilty. "Don't you know that by now?"
She was lost for words. She was never lost for words. I swear her eyes started filling up, which seemed to be contagious ‘cos mine did too. What is it with eyes? I dropped a quick kiss onto the top of her head and then hopped out of the carriage before some full-blown wailing could start. Hers, obviously, not mine. Battle-hardened warriors like me don't wail and cry when they've said something beautiful to the women they love more than anything. I pulled a surreptitious hankie from my greave and mopped a few stray tears from my eyes. All that rice flying about must'a got in them. Happens all the time.
Anyway, things were looking like they were reaching crisis point outside. Najara was trying to get the peasants to repent of their wicked ways and wasn't having much success, since she couldn't speak the lingo. She was raving about ‘purifying flames' and I didn't like the hand movements she was making, what with her having burning brands clutched in each of them.
"Gabrielle, you'd better get out here and calm your friend down. I think she's about to torch the seasonal workers."
Gabrielle stepped down from the carriage and ran up to Najara, with me following closely behind in case things got dangerous.
Honestly. You'd think that selling entire families into slavery ten winters ago would mean that there wouldn't be anyone hanging around now who could recognise an errant former supplier to the lucrative Far Eastern slave trade market. Is it my fault that these slave people have such long memories? Gods, you try and repent of your evil ways but your past just keeps getting flung in your face. Okay, so families and entire communities were demolished all those years ago, leaving destroyed lives and deep-seated psychological scars but how ‘bout we all move on and get a life already? Haven't these people heard of forgiveness?
The pandemonium that broke out when I showed up really was enough to give a would-be Woman on a Mission to Atone for her Formerly Evil Ways a right, thumping headache.
In all the confusion, Najara somehow dropped the brand and set fire to the peasants and the rice field, which luckily didn't do too much damage since it was ankle-deep in water at the time. Still, the steam it set up did my pores the world of good. I was glowing for days afterwards - which was more than could be said of my temper.
I'd just grabbed onto Gabrielle to make sure she was okay in all the steamy rushing about, when out of the mist, a figure loomed. Some creepy old guy wearing a dress down to his ankles had his arms raised and was preaching something about ‘love and forgiveness' and ‘violence not being the answer.' For a minute I thought it was Betty/Borias, come to pay his/her respects and catch up on old times, but the fellow had a beard as thick as you like and I knew it couldn't be him/her. Word on the street had it that Betty/Borias sported a nifty little goatee these days, which was handy in the low season when warrior work was short - he let it all grow out then and doubled up as the Bearded Lady in the Manchurian State Circus.
His name was Eli, and he was some sort of an itinerant preacher who was on a mission to Find The Unfortunate, help them Repent Their Sins and convert them to the Path of Peace. I could tell all the capital letters in his speech was impressing Gabrielle. She turned doe eyes up to me and before I knew what was happening, I was up on the roof of the rickshaw again whilst she, Najara and Eli swapped tales of love, forgiveness and salvation in the nice, comfy interior.
The seat was uncomfortable, the suspension non-existent and the donkey stunk. But it was almost worth it just to be away from the happy clappy atmosphere inside. Particularly when the fervent trio inside broke into some religious preacher nutjob song from Gabrielle's scroll.
Why couldn't Gabrielle's new hobby be - oh I dunno, knitting or something?
I chucked another couple of yen to the driver, and slowly we ambled our way towards the Kingdom of Ming.
Part 6 - Fire and rice; a tale of salvation and facial hair..
The rest of the voyage passed pretty quickly, busy as I was with the other sailors in devising ever more desperate schemes to get Gabrielle and Najara out of our cabin, the nakeder the better. Needless to say, none of the schemes worked - I had high hopes for Najara but Gabrielle was an entirely different matter. Sometimes I despaired of my modestly virginal companion. Mostly I despaired of her staying that way. Other times I despaired of her not staying that way, and it having nothing to do with me.
Ah me, what's a frustrated and deeply in love Warrior to do when her best girl is off dallying with a psycho stowaway stalker?
I did the only thing I could do: I learned chess. Damn boring game. Pretty decent for strategic stuff I suppose but not nearly enough guts, gore and violence for my liking. I mean, how is anyone to work off their frustration and bloodlust by taking a pawn? Luckily the inspirational changes I made to the rules meant that Gabrielle and I left the ship considerably richer than when we'd joined it and I had twenty four men bonded through gambling debts into a reserve army if I ever fancied getting the boys together for a little light marauding one of these dull winter's days!
Also, due to the unfortunate side effects of the new rules, it meant that I had carved out quite a nice little sideline as ship's surgeon. It was amazing what a skilful Warrior Investigator masquerading as a ship's surgeon could learn from sailors needing emergency surgery after a heavy game of chess. Like, for example, the comings and goings of various vessels and whether or not they carried cargos of the kidnapped boy variety.
Not in the last six months, apparently. So at least I knew the boy was still in Chin, despite the wild goose chase that Lao Ma had apparently been sent on. I wondered why the kidnappers had felt it necessary to get rid of the mother for such a long time. Well, she'd be on her way back just as soon as she could sort out a buyer for her share of the restaurant and arrange a more luxurious passage back to Chin. We were the advance party.
The ship docked, its long journey finally finished. Gabrielle did a little celebratory dance when her feet touched the shore again, earning me several hundred yens and a hoi sin duck. I jangled my satisfyingly stuffed money pouch and stowed our bags onto the rickshaw that Gabrielle'd managed to flag down. Najara stood, looking rather lost and lonely on the side of the wharf. I took pity on her. "If you're a bit stuck, the captain's recruiting for the journey back in a few days. For some reason, he finds himself a bit short of able bodied seamen. I can put in a good word if you like? There's plenty of trade on the docks till the ship pulls out."
"Xena!" Gabrielle shoved me violently in the ribs. Her face looked like she might have been a bit aghast.
"Okay, fine." As a favour to Gabrielle, I relented. "I'll advance you some dough in the meantime so you don't have to do the whoring thing if you don't want to."
That earned me another violent shove, and a stage whisper that scoured my ear out, it was so piercing. "That isn't what I meant!"
"Jeez, Gabrielle - what do you want me to do? Take her with us?" I knew as soon as the words left my mouth that I shouldn't have said it. "I'm sure we're not even going her way."
"Where are you going?" Najara asked.
"Up country, to the Kingdom of Ming. We gotta see a man about a boy."
Najara's face brightened considerably. "Oh, that's funny - that's exactly where I'm headed!" She pushed her way onto the rickshaw's carriage, edging me outta the way, fat-assed psycho that she was.
"How ‘bout that?" I muttered as I crawled up onto the roof and settled down on top of the luggage.
****
The rickety old vehicle lumbered into life as our driver urged his donkey onwards. I hung down from the roof by my bootstraps and peered into the carriage through the window. "Psst." Gabrielle and Najara were busy chatting and I could see Najara touching Gabrielle's elbows and knees a lot. "Psssstttt!!" Seemed like nothing would disturb their cosy chit-chats.
"THIS IS A HOLD UP!"
That seemed to do the trick. The rickshaw lurched to a halt, the luggage flew off the roof and Najara was outta the door quickern' a flea off Darphus taking his annual bath. Gods, I knew that evening class I took in ventriloquism would come in handy one day. It never did any harm for a Warrior Investigator to have tricks up her sleeve.
"Pssst! Gabrielle!" I clambered into the carriage. Damnit, I was paying for it - I didn't see why I shouldn't have a comfy wooden bench instead of balancing precariously on top of the rucksacks.
"Xena - what's going on? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be out capturing those bandits who stopped us?"
I peered out of the window. "Nah - your friend seems to have things under control." Najara had somehow managed to acquire a sword from somewhere and was dashing around, rounding up all the peasants who happened to be in the vicinity. Apparently picking rice from the paddyfields was a highly illegal operation in her book, because she started lashing them all together with a length of rope until she had a great clump of tied-up peasants. "Gabrielle, what's she doing here anyway?"
Gabrielle's chest puffed up proudly. "She says she was inspired by me to go travelling too. Somehow she ended up in Chin, can you believe it?" I grunted vaguely. "But did you hear that, Xena? Me, an inspiration! I've never been anyone's inspiration before." She flushed again with delight, hugging the compliment to her chest like a guilty pleasure.
You know, for some strange reason I was quite touched that she should think that. Touched and horrified at the same time. Gods, didn't she know already what a special person she was? "But Gabrielle, every day you inspire me. You make me want to be a better person. You're my inspiration." I was quite amazed at how astonished she looked. Amazed, and more than a little guilty. "Don't you know that by now?"
She was lost for words. She was never lost for words. I swear her eyes started filling up, which seemed to be contagious ‘cos mine did too. What is it with eyes? I dropped a quick kiss onto the top of her head and then hopped out of the carriage before some full-blown wailing could start. Hers, obviously, not mine. Battle-hardened warriors like me don't wail and cry when they've said something beautiful to the women they love more than anything. I pulled a surreptitious hankie from my greave and mopped a few stray tears from my eyes. All that rice flying about must'a got in them. Happens all the time.
Anyway, things were looking like they were reaching crisis point outside. Najara was trying to get the peasants to repent of their wicked ways and wasn't having much success, since she couldn't speak the lingo. She was raving about ‘purifying flames' and I didn't like the hand movements she was making, what with her having burning brands clutched in each of them.
"Gabrielle, you'd better get out here and calm your friend down. I think she's about to torch the seasonal workers."
Gabrielle stepped down from the carriage and ran up to Najara, with me following closely behind in case things got dangerous.
Honestly. You'd think that selling entire families into slavery ten winters ago would mean that there wouldn't be anyone hanging around now who could recognise an errant former supplier to the lucrative Far Eastern slave trade market. Is it my fault that these slave people have such long memories? Gods, you try and repent of your evil ways but your past just keeps getting flung in your face. Okay, so families and entire communities were demolished all those years ago, leaving destroyed lives and deep-seated psychological scars but how ‘bout we all move on and get a life already? Haven't these people heard of forgiveness?
The pandemonium that broke out when I showed up really was enough to give a would-be Woman on a Mission to Atone for her Formerly Evil Ways a right, thumping headache.
In all the confusion, Najara somehow dropped the brand and set fire to the peasants and the rice field, which luckily didn't do too much damage since it was ankle-deep in water at the time. Still, the steam it set up did my pores the world of good. I was glowing for days afterwards - which was more than could be said of my temper.
I'd just grabbed onto Gabrielle to make sure she was okay in all the steamy rushing about, when out of the mist, a figure loomed. Some creepy old guy wearing a dress down to his ankles had his arms raised and was preaching something about ‘love and forgiveness' and ‘violence not being the answer.' For a minute I thought it was Betty/Borias, come to pay his/her respects and catch up on old times, but the fellow had a beard as thick as you like and I knew it couldn't be him/her. Word on the street had it that Betty/Borias sported a nifty little goatee these days, which was handy in the low season when warrior work was short - he let it all grow out then and doubled up as the Bearded Lady in the Manchurian State Circus.
His name was Eli, and he was some sort of an itinerant preacher who was on a mission to Find The Unfortunate, help them Repent Their Sins and convert them to the Path of Peace. I could tell all the capital letters in his speech was impressing Gabrielle. She turned doe eyes up to me and before I knew what was happening, I was up on the roof of the rickshaw again whilst she, Najara and Eli swapped tales of love, forgiveness and salvation in the nice, comfy interior.
The seat was uncomfortable, the suspension non-existent and the donkey stunk. But it was almost worth it just to be away from the happy clappy atmosphere inside. Particularly when the fervent trio inside broke into some religious preacher nutjob song from Gabrielle's scroll.
Why couldn't Gabrielle's new hobby be - oh I dunno, knitting or something?
I chucked another couple of yen to the driver, and slowly we ambled our way towards the Kingdom of Ming.
****
Part 7 - Fins, femmes and djinns..
It was fast approaching nightfall by the time we pulled up to the village. Crickets - or maybe it was frogs, I dunno; it's all nature - chirruped merrily in the twilight and serenaded us as we passed through the bamboo village gates and along the river bank towards the little collection of mud and bamboo huts where our driver had told me we could get lodging for the night.
I hopped down, roused my sleeping companions and ushered them in after our driver had made the necessary arrangements for us. We were shown into a large, bare room with rush matting on the floor and a few tapestries hanging on the walls. The balmy evening air wafted in, making the hangings clatter against the walls and the wind chimes tinkle musically. Gabrielle, I could tell, was mesmerised by the stark beauty.
Our hostess fetched us tea and a decent sized bowl of rice and vegetables and for a while we ate in silence. Which was great ‘cos it meant Eli shut the Hades up for the half an hour it took him to chomp his way through most of the damn food. When they struck up with the damn prayers and singing again, and after Eli kept trying to teach me the Error Of My Ways, I retired to the porch to stare out across the river and smoke my stogie in peace.
On the opposite bank stood a large, ornate palace. Heavily guarded, I could see the fortifications - drawbridge, walls, coupl'a catapults, arrow slits and no doubt a couple of dead-men's traps too where a poor, innocent invader would be lured and then stunned by the various substances that would be unleashed on her, ranging from simply noxious to utterly deadly, depending on Ming Tzu's mood of the day. And from what I could remember of him, he had one Hades of a PMS problem. For a guy an' all.
I hoped that this evening, he would be in the sort of mood which allowed visiting Warrior Investigators to ask a few questions and politely leave with all her faculties intact.
"Dinar for them?" It was Gabrielle. She hunkered down next to me and looped an arm through mine. "Beautiful, isn't it? So peaceful." She was staring out over the river, her face in profile and framed by the reeds and rushes which clustered along the bank. Moonlight dappled her skin, deepening the shadows under her cheeks and eyes, highlighting her noble bone structure and turning her hair to a silvery-gold halo. She was stunning; a work of art, painted in monochrome. For a moment, my breath caught. I eased it out with a little hiss and she turned curious eyes to mine.
"Better enjoy it while you can. Things might get a little more heated later." At her silent enquiry, I elaborated. "I have to figure out a way of getting in there without raising suspicion. I have a few questions I need to ask Ming Tzu."
"That's Lao Ma's first husband, right? The one she told us about?"
"Yes, the father of her son. Who is, as you'll remember, the next heir to his throne. Gotta be a major suspect."
She nodded, and her moonlight halo scattered. "Yeah, or maybe Mrs Tzu the second. She'd have a few reasons to want to see the back of the current heir. Clear the way for another one, perhaps?"
I gaped. "Damme, but that is brilliant, Gabrielle!" She coloured, and beamed with pure pleasure. "Yes, of course! Is she up the duff, do you think? Or has she already popped a sprog and is clearing the way for it? Hmmm. Good thinking - a couple more questions to ask Ming Tzu." I scribbled them down in my little notepad. "Just gotta figure a way in that won't arouse his suspicions."
We sat in companionable, thoughtful silence for a while. "Serving wench?" she offered eventually.
I made a face. "Nah. I just can't do the serving stuff with any realism these days."
"Dancing girl?"
That earned a regretful shake of the head. "With my knees?"
"Storyteller?"
"That's your specialism, not mine."
"I wouldn't even know where to begin. So what is your speciality? Warrior? Warlord? Not cook, that's for sure."
"Courtisan! I can be a ‘ho with the best of them!" I brightened as soon as I thought of it. After all, I do have many skills and those particular ones were in severe danger of getting rusty, what with Gabrielle being a virgin and me suddenly developing a nasty case of morals and all. This, I reasoned, wouldn't be like being a real ‘ho - it would be purely for business, not a jot of pleasure to it. Why, it would barely count at all! "Perfect!"
A gasping, spluttering sound from behind made us look round. It was Eli, who seemed to be having some form of choking attack. Probably all that rice fighting back. Bright red in the face, and with hugely horrified eyes, he gestured helplessly while trying to make his mouth form some coherent words. I didn't get to be the best Warrior Investigator in the business by not noticing when someone was in real danger so I waited for Gabrielle's anxious pleas on his behalf before I launched into life-saving action.
She seemed to be a bit pissed when I carried on the Heimlich's for a solid ten minutes, cracking a few ribs in the process. But I say, what's a few ribs when you're life's at stake? Okay, so it turns out he wasn't choking on rice at all but was just so appalled by all the ‘ho talk that he'd been - surprisingly enough - too stunned to muster up a sermon.
That lasted all of five minutes. Once he'd gotten his breath back, he was off.
"Jeez. It's not as though I'll actually be having sex. Not with him, anyway. I do have some standards, you know."
"I've seen some of your ex's, Xena," Gabrielle cut in before Eli could go off on another apoplectic fit. Honestly, he had to be the most prudish guy I'd ever met. It was a fair bet he'd never had sex himself. If I'd still been Evil, I would'a set it as my mission to corrupt such a pure (or prudish, take your pick) man but now that I was Good, I no longer used sex as a weapon. Not that I couldn't if I wanted to, ‘cos I still had it - boy, did I! I was irresistible. But like I said, these days I had standards. And Eli came way below ‘em, what with that noxious beard of his. Plus these days, I kinda walked on the other side of the street, if ya catch my drift. Right on up to Gabrielle's doorway, given half a chance! But of course, that wasn't important right now.
"Look, I promise. No sex." I slapped the blustering Eli on the back. "Don't worry, it'll just be a ruse to get me into the palace. An old goat like Ming Tzu won't be able to resist a bit of young, ripe flesh offered to him on a plate." I sat back smugly and folded my arms across my ample bosom.
Gabrielle looked startled, then horrified. "I'm not doing anything like that!"
"Not you!" I was quite insulted. "You're not the only young woman round here!"
"Najara won't do it either!"
"She was doing worse on the boat! And I wasn't talking about her either," I added hastily as the emotional temperature of the room went up several blonde notches. "I wouldn't trust her anyway. No offence." Najara glowered. "This calls for mature, experienced hands. Which are attached to a young, nubile, sexy and irresistible body. No, I mean mine, Godsdamnit!"
Everyone looked really unconvinced, which was starting to piss me off enormously.
"Look, Xena," offered Eli carefully. "In the interests of your immortal soul, I'm going to offer an alternative. Why don't you just go up, tell him who you really are and ask for an audience?"
"Ah. Well. Funny you should ask that. There's a bit of a humorous story there... really funny. I know you'd laugh if you ever heard it."
Gabrielle's mouth went all wobbly. "Don't tell me. You've met him already? About, oh I don't know, ten winters' ago?"
"It's possible that a certain warrior warlord might've rampaged a bit around his territory back then. Hypothetically speaking."
"How hypothetically are we speaking?" Gabrielle's eyes had narrowed to pin-points of glittering emerald by this stage.
"Pretty hypothetically. If you believe the past may never have happened and this is all a dream we're having. Or someone else's dream?" I thought I was really onto something here. Even Eli started to look interested in my theory.
"What a crock." She didn't look at all convinced. Honestly, how did someone so young and innocent become - well, so cynical? "So, hypothetically speaking, how much damage did you do?"
I shrugged. "Coupl'a palaces. One or two armies. Maybe the odd brother or three. I can't recall exactly. It was a long time ago. In my hypothetical past."
"I see." That earned me a solid five minutes of intensive eyeballing. I was starting to sweat a bit too much for my own liking - certainly for anyone else's liking - when Eli stepped in and kinda rescued me. I was starting to warm to him. Or at least, thaw a bit anyway.
"It's fairly clear that Xena can't go in. She'd be recognised immediately."
"Naw I won't. I'm a master of disguise!"
Everyone eyeballed me then. "So if Xena can't go in, we need a plan beta. Anyone got a plan beta?"
"I have a wig and a mustache? It worked really well that time in Rome when..."
"Xena, no! You are not going up there! Our return tickets are in your name."
I went all warm and fuzzy then. She was genuinely concerned about my safety. What a marvellously sweet woman she was. I gave her a goofy smile, which seemed to reassure everyone as they promptly backed away and huddled around the fire. Probably talking about how daring my plan had been. How brave I was. How I was probably brilliant in bed and she should sleep with me right now in case I never made it out of Ming's palace in one piece - I mean, the wig and mustache were good but even so...
I spent the next five minutes gloriously engaged in a quick fantasy.
I was rudely interrupted just when it got to the juicy bits.
"Right, it's settled. Najara and I will go." Gabrielle looked like she meant business and didn't want any arguments.
"No way, Gabrielle! It's too dangerous!"
Najara smiled a beatific smile and turned her eyes heavenwards. "The Djinn will protect us."
I glanced quizzically at Gabrielle, but she was looking as lost as me. "Who in the name of Ares is the Djinn?"
Najara went a bit starry-eyed. "Protectors of the Good. And my personal guides. They speak to me. We're very close; we go back years. They have assured me that they will protect Gabrielle. She is very special to me... ahh, I mean them. Very special."
Gabrielle, soppy soul that she was, simpered. "Isn't that nice, Xena?"
Nice? Now the mad, psycho stalker bitch was hearing voices in her head? Oh yeah, I felt a ton better about letting her and Gabrielle go up alone to the palace of a mean, sex-crazed old goat. One of the most powerful men in Chin. With a taste for smooth, nubile skin. Probably never seen a blonde in his life.
I think Gabrielle must'a spotted where my thought train was headed, ‘cos she stepped in with hardened eyes and a jutting chin and derailed the sucker straight off the tracks. The finger she waggled in my face near poked my eyes out, it was that assertive. "No arguments. Do I have to tie you up to make you stay? No, forget that - you might like it too much. Now, just give me a list of your questions and we'll be off. No sense wasting time."
Do you know, it took me a solid two candlemarks to get out of those bindings? That damn Eli could tie a knot like a sailor. If he was a holy man, I was still a virgin. And that weren't likely! They'd left him behind to keep watch on me, and damn me if he hadn't taken it upon himself to rant and rave his preachings at me all night in a bid to Save Me From Myself. Help me find the Error Of My Ways. Find the Path To Enlightenment, which apparently was pretty tortuous (or at least, it was torture for me). I think all the emphasis must'a tired him out some ‘cos after a while, he ran out of capitals and dozed off.
No way was I staying here while my Gabrielle was over there all alone with that psycho stalker Najara and her Djinn habit. Oh yeah, and the Ming thing too. Using all my stealth tricks, I stripped down to my underwear (nice little skimpy top with leatherette trims and matching thong, a real good looker on me, if I say so myself), smothered myself in mud for camouflage, shoved a dagger between my teeth for good measure and then swam across the river. Water weren't a problem to me - it was practically my natural element, and my swimming was graceful, stealthy and speedy. Why, I was like a fish, I was that at home!
I sploshed and dog-paddled my way over, hauled myself up the bank and lay gasping on the sand like a fish tossed in a net, flat on my back and staring at the dark, sheer walls of the palace. I rubbed mud all over myself again - for the camouflage; I don't wanna give the impression I have some sorta mud fetish. That was never proved, okay? - and started shinnying up the walls, silent as a ghost.
The guards were waiting for me at the top. How had they known I was coming? I had used all my considerable warrior stealth tactics, which meant of course that I was practically invisible to the naked eye. We must have a spy in the camp; but of course, that wasn't important right now. I employed all my warrior wiles to defeat them - I flashed my boobs, and then bopped them on the head with the knife hilt. They went out like lights, which was kinda lucky as it saved me having to stain my good gal creds by having to kill them.
I hustled my butt along the ramparts, dropped down a floor or so and headed towards the big, square windows that framed the Great Hall. I knew that Ming Tzu would entertain his guests there, it being the fanciest room in the place and all. Unless his entertainment had moved on, in which case I'd be scouting round for his bedroom windows and keeping my fingers crossed that the Djinn had instructed Najara to go first. For the Greater Good.
Manoeuvring myself into position so I was balancing precariously on the ledge outside the windows, I managed to get myself a skewed vantage point into the room. If I craned my head and squinted, I could just about make out Ming and Mrs Tzu Two, sitting on their ornate chairs. My view of them was partially blocked by the backs of Gabrielle and Najara, but I could see Ming, dressed to impress in a flowing outfit of scarlet and gold, beautifully embroidered with an ornate and colourful dragon. His new wife lounged next to him in a matching chaise and I could tell at this distance that the broad was a gold digger; she had the cranial lobes of a career criminal. I should know; they were remarkably like mine. In spite of being a bit bumpy round the head, she was young and quite good looking, if by that you meant teenage and sulky. Ming Tzu always did go for the pouty look, and he'd got it in spades with this chickette. She glowered at the two blonde visitors, tossed her ebony hair around, huffed a lot and generally made like a teen. Pissed off, I supposed, at the sight of Ming lavishing attention onto Najara. Like I said, probably never seen a blonde before.
I sent a quick prayer of thanks to the Gods that Ming'd chosen the wrong blonde. By the look on Mrs Tzu's face, the Djinn better start working overtime looking after Najara's skinny old ass tonight. That teen spelled trouble with a capital T; I should know, I'd been exactly like that when I was that age. Running with the wrong sort, cutting my dresses too short, bit of light theft, building an army, forming a buffer zone. Getting a little brother killed. Jeez, did mom get pissed at me for that or what? I mean to say, what was her problem? It wasn't as though there wasn't another one hanging around. What was his name again? Oh yeah - Toris. Ahh, the good old days.
I was all misty eyed, reminiscing about my youth so I almost missed it when everyone stood up and started making moves as if to go. I ducked down out of sight, and then dived off the parapet in a graceful arc and plunged into the river as cleanly as a knife slicing through butter. Came up covered in pondweed and stinking like three week old dead fish, unfortunately - I'd dived into the sewage outlet. I made my way back to our accommodation, managed to wash most of the mud and filth off me and then hustled my butt back into the building. Eli was still snoring, his mouth hanging open and his beard flapping. I grabbed hold of my bindings, wrapped myself up in them and held the ends in my palm so it looked like I'd never been out. Then I remembered I was only wearing my sexy underwear and figuring Gabrielle might be driven wild with insatiable passion and forget to debrief me properly, I shucked my leathers on. Then I took them off again, figuring that Gabrielle debriefing me while mad with insatiable desire wouldn't be a bad thing.
She was ages getting back and I was freezing by the time she showed up.
"Hey," I greeted her casually. "How'd it go? Where's your psycho friend? She meet her Djinn's and stay out?"
Her face screwed. "By the Gods, what is that awful smell?" She stared desperately around, gripping her nose delicately between two fingers. Talk about exaggeration; I was only a teeny bit whiffy. "Smells like three kinds of fish crawled in here and died a few weeks ago."
"We're near the river," I remarked, my voice flatter than roadkill. "That's the smell of nature."
She stopped and stared at me like she was just seeing me for the first time. "Good Gods. You're practically naked. What's been going on?" The deep, deep suspicion stamped all over her face stalled the sexy wiggling I'd been starting. Damme but that girl could pour cold water on any hopeful flames of passion that happened to be lurking about a body.
My ever-whirring mind came up with a cunning excuse. "It's that Eli," I whispered, mugging in his general direction. "As soon as he'd tied me up, he started to get all frisky. Some of the things he was suggesting... well, they even made me blush. Gabrielle, how much do we really know about him anyway?"
"Xena! What are you saying? He's a holy man!"
"Sweetheart, he was all for practising that laying on of hands thing as soon as your back was turned! I don't trust him. I think he has nefarious intentions."
"He's a preacher!"
"Look at me! I'm practically naked!" I gestured towards my two ample portions, palms upwards. "It's a good job I managed to get one hand free, so I could put the pinch on him." She looked aghast at that. "Yes, I took it off! Jeez, sweetheart, what do you take me for? I had to do it - for my honour."
"I don't know, Xena." She turned to peer at the offending article as he lay, snoring and snuffling on a rush mat in the corner. "He looks so convincing."
"I think we should ditch him. We don't know anything about him. He could be a spy." Plus, he was majorly cramping my style with Gabrielle - what with him and that tight-assed loon Najara hanging around, there just weren't no chance of me exploring Gabrielle's spiritual side, and didn't I wanna be worshipping at her altar any chance I could get! "Maybe he's watching every move we make. Sending us off down the wrong track - don't you remember the way they had poor Lao Ma running round the world? Whoever these people are, Gabrielle - they're clever. We could've played right into their hands."
She looked unconvinced, but worried too. "Maybe you're right," she conceded eventually. "We really don't know anything about him. I suppose it was strange how he just turned up like that."
Yeah, like fire and brimstone personified. Still, looked like my plan to ditch the Dullest Preacher in the Known Universe was coming off beautifully. Now to start in on that Djinn-riddled old psycho hag Najara. Gabrielle, however, wasn't having any of that and I figured I should retire gracefully, having won one battle at least. Najara could wait till tomorrow. If she ever made it back from Ming Tzu's bed, that was. My plan slightly foiled, I tried diversion tactics.
"Okay sweetheart, stoke up the fire and then spill - what happened at the palace?"
****
I was impressed. She'd taken thorough notes. Asked some good questions. She was shaping up to be a great little investigator.
"Ming claims to be as in the dark about Ming Tien's disappearance as Lao Ma is. Says he's searched high and low, got his own agents on the job too but so far, nothing. I kinda believe him too - he stopped flirting with Najara whenever we talked about his son. I think it's about as genuine an emotion as he's ever had."
"You don't get to be Ruler of Chin by having feelings, sweetheart. Feelings make you vulnerable, and there's always plenty of enemies around to exploit your weaknesses." I spoke from bitter experience, having been vulnerable and exploited myself in the past by those I trusted most. Who would'a thought that thieves, ruffians and fellow warlords would do the dirty on a body when it came to oh I don't know, dividing spoils, taking over armies? I couldn't pass within fifty yards of a gauntlet without breaking into a cold sweat these days, damn that Darphus to Hades. As my old Mom used to say, ‘you live and learn.' She'd lived to learn that having a daughter can be very hazardous to one's health - maybe even two or three's health, particularly when it involved family, neighbours and friends.
Quite stubborn, my Mom. Still no sign of a solstice or birthday card each year. Scratched my name off the family mausoleum. Cut me out of the family portrait wood carvings. Can you believe it? And for what, I ask you? Honestly, he was just one weeny little brother.
"I guess that's true. How sad, to have to live your life empty like that. Too afraid to let anyone get close. Don't you think that's sad, Xena?" I made a non-committal grunting sound. "Gods, like kingdoms and crowns can keep you warm at night, or hold you tight when you need a hug. I'd rather be poor and happy any day."
I draped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close for a hug. "So would I, sweetheart. Kingdoms and crowns - been there, had them. I'd rather be Xena: Warrior Investigator, having to scrape enough dough together to meet the rent than be that Warrior Princess again. Even though I could'a had all the riches of Chin or any other place I would'a wanted."
We both sighed happily.
"Has there been any word from the kidnappers?" I felt we'd better get back to business. She shook her head. "Not even a ransom demand?" Another shake. "What kind of kidnappers kidnap someone and don't ask a ransom?"
"Lao Ma said she hadn't been asked for money either." Gabrielle looked as puzzled as I felt.
"He has been kidnapped, hasn't he? I mean, he hasn't just scarpered when his new Mom arrived on the scene?"
"Apparently he was playing chess in his room, nice and quiet, when he was snatched. The place was a mess - pieces scattered all over the place. The guards were knocked out. There was a huge hole in the wall where they'd smashed through in a carriage and snatched him up. He hasn't run away - he didn't take anything with him. Besides, she'd been around for a while and word has it that they got on pretty well."
"Well, there ain't that much of an age difference between them." She turned curious eyes up to me and I damn near kicked myself for almost giving away my nocturnal activities. "I hear that she's just a young'un herself?"
Gabrielle pulled a face. Apparently Mrs Tzu Two wasn't one of her most favouritest people. "I'd say she's about seventeen or so. And acts a lot younger. And she isn't pregnant so there's no motive there."
I pondered deeply, my sharp mind running through paths of logic and intuition that would dazzle a lesser intellect. Sharp as a newly-honed blade, I knew that if I left my mind to it, I would have the answer in no time.
"I'm totally lost on this one," I confessed eventually.
"Yeah, me too." We both stared at each other gloomily. She brightened eventually. "I forgot to tell you! Ming Tzu's lifted the lifetime ban on you. He knows you're on the case. He says he bears no grudges and has invited us all over for dinner tomorrow night, so we can discuss strategies. He wants us to work together to find his son."
"Really?" This seemed remarkably forgiving. Maybe old age and general licentiousness had finally mellowed the vicious old git. "Do you trust him, Gabrielle?"
"Well, not really, Xena. But he is serving crispy duck."
"Right - eight o'clock it is then. I'll polish up my leathers."
"Yeah. And I think you better have another bath. It's a good job I packed
the ‘essence of fruits.'
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