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I was sitting in my office with my feet up on the desk, trying to roll a cigarette using only my thumb, when I was startled by a knock on the door. I jumped, and scattered tobacco all over my carefully written case notes. Herc was sending pretty boy, muck spreading Iolaus round for them, and I wanted to have a talk with him about various Sunday activities he seemed to be indulging in.
It was Gabrielle. "Xena, there's someone here to see you."
"Aw. If it's Alti, just tell her we'll be there Saturday night. But I'm not drinking red wine - not at Velasca's place. You never know if it's wine or not."
"It's not Alti. I think it's a new case. Can you take a new case?"
"Oooh! A case? That depends, sweetheart. Can they pay?"
"I think so. She looks pretty wealthy."
"A paying case! Aha! Then I'll sure as Hades see her. No rest for the wicked, Gabrielle. Now that my fame and reputation is spreading, I'll be in demand! And Herc doesn't get the 20% cut!" I twirled my cigarette around in glee.
"Okay. Says her name's Lao Ma. Something about a missing person."
"Lao Ma? What kinda name is that? Never mind... send her in, and start a new scroll, sweetheart. We're back in business!
****
Part 1 -The Eastern girls are hip..
It seemed like ages since Gabrielle and I had solved the mystery of Antiminius and his virgin-fixation, gotten our sleuthing business back on track and gotten my former stalker Alti off my case, even though in reality it only had been about two days. It seemed even longer since Gabrielle had ushered in my latest fee paying client, what with me staring open mouthed at her for a half a candlemark and all. We didn't get many foreigners round these parts - okay, to be honest, I never got too many fee paying customers round these parts, and so I had savoured the feel of a hefty stack of dinars being dropped from a velvet glove into my sweaty outstretched palm. Boy, but that had felt good - nearly as good as Gabrielle had felt in that virgin bathing pool. I swept that delicious image from my mind, and concentrated on the exotic woman who sat, dainty and precise, opposite me.
She was as cool as an iced ice cube on ice, and I could feel her staring at me as I counted the dinars, smelled them, bit them, tasted them and finally drilled a small hole and alchemically tested the metal. Wow, these babies really were gold - that'd buy me the best booth in the Hairy Butcher's celebrated Peep Show and Exotic Revue tonight. Satisfied, I stashed them down my cleavage and tossed the wealthy broad across the table a cool, calculating smile, just to throw her off guard and teach her who's boss.
She was impressed, I could tell by the way her nose wrinkled and her eyes narrowed. Gabrielle was just the same. But then again, who could ever resist my charms? She could be as inscrutable as she liked, but I knew I could beat her at her own game.
"I have it on very good authority that you are one of the best when it comes to finding people," she observed, her voice a mere sultry whisper. I recognised the symptoms. She was awe-struck. My reputation - not to say my intense personal magnetism - had preceded me. I knew she had no choice but to come on to me; my pheromones were calling to her like harpies on a rock. Was it harpies? But that wasn't important right now... I merely smiled again and raised a sardonic eyebrow, as that usually drives the chicks even wilder with desire. "I hear you have an excellent track record," she finished, her delicately accented voice as smooth as double-thick cream.
She was fishing, trying to get to the bottom of my depthless personality. The mystique of me was driving her crazy - it always drove the dames mad with a longing to plumb the fathomless depths of my enigmatic nature. Suits me - I like to keep the chicks on guard; I didn't get to be the best Warrior Investigator in the business by letting broads ride all over me. Well, except Gabrielle but that, of course, wasn't the least bit important right now. "I always get what I want," I replied smoothly, my eyebrow crooked again. The smile spread further across my lips. I know she wanted me. Damn, even I wanted me! And I could have me anytime!
"I trust we can work together, Ms...?"
My eyebrow went further up still, and my grin broadened even more, even though my eyes started watering a bit. I knew I looked cool, mysterious... enticing...
"Oh, I am so sorry. They never told me you were a halfwit. I'm sure I must have the wrong place..." She gathered together her voluminous skirts and made to leave. Damn me but she was a tough audience!
I played it cool. "Hey - there's a no refund policy here. The dinars are in my bosom, lady, the deal's as good as signed!"
She looked a bit put out, strangely enough. I shoved back my fedora, a shit-eating grin on my face, and propped my feet upon the desk, sending a stack of case notes onto the floor. I shrugged nonchalantly, grinned again, and dug in my pocket for a half-chewed and half-smoked cigar. It weren't just her dinars that were captured by my bosom; her eyes were glued to my ample parts and if I didn't know better, I could swear there was the faintest glimmer of resentment deep in them. But I knew that couldn't be it.
"Well," she shot out, her almond eyes narrowing. "That is most unfortunate, since I appear to have been misinformed. I must deal with that, it is most unacceptable. In the meantime, since I appear to have paid up front, I suppose we should get down to business." The tiny sound of her teeth grinding was the only noise in the almost-uncomfortable silence which followed.
I shrugged, bit off the damp, chewed end of my cigar, spat it across the desk and then shoved the stogie into my mouth. Sighing happily, I chewed it for a while, regarding her with a solemn expression. "Lady, let me assure you that you have come to the best in the business." I gestured proudly to the handwritten sign on my office door; ‘Xena, Warior Investigater. You treed tried the rest, now have the best'. "Like it says."
The expression of disgust barely changed her features as she delicately flicked the soggy cigar end off her beautifully embroidered dress. The threads looked like they were made of gold and silver. "Indeed." There was no denying it; I was interested. She was a classy dame and no mistake - she reeked of breeding, taste and money. I especially liked the money reek. So much better than warrior sweat in the morning.
I resolved to take the case, but play it cool.
"So, missing person, you say?" I probed, whilst mentally tallying up the dinars tied up in the exquisite clothing she wore. "That's fine, sweetheart. Just give me the details and I'll put some feelers out. You can rest assured that the Xena Investigation Agency will leave no stone unturned in its quest to spend your... I mean, find your loved one. Did I say half now, the rest when the job's done? Plus expenses?"
Her expression was really quite stony. "No."
"I'll do you a quote, maybe even an invoice, everything above board and all. So, who'd ya lose, sweetheart?"
"My son." Her face remained impassive.
My feet fell off the desk, and I sat forward, forgetting about the cigar which drooped from my stunned lips. "Your son?"
With not a flicker, she confirmed, "Indeed. My son. I wish you to find him."
****
Part 2 - Travel broadens the parts other beers cannot reach..
I shook Lao Ma's dainty hand when I showed her to the door, impressed by the subtle strength I could feel hidden beneath the silky soft surface. This babe was a tough cookie alright; I'd never seen anyone as emotionless about the loss of her own offspring since... well, but that wasn't important right now.
Gabrielle deigned to lift her head out of the scroll she was reading as I made my way back into the office. "New case?" she asked, carefully folding down a corner of the parchment to mark her place. I dunno what it was that had her so enthralled, but I'd asked her three times for tea for our guest. She'd replied, ‘whatdidyerlastslavedieof?' and I'd had to do it myself. Which was one reason Lao Ma had left when she did. I ask you - what the Hades kinda secretary is that? As magnanimous as always, I rose above it all with my usual wit and good spirits.
"Hmmfff."
"Problems?" She was up and after me, concern shining in her lovely green eyes, and damn me for a sucker but I just couldn't stay mad at her for long, lousy secretarial skills or no. I gave in and ruffled her shiny hair while trying not to let a goofy grin break out on my face.
"Nothing we can't handle, sweetheart. Judging by the threads on that dame, if we play our cards right we could be set for life. Pack your bags, we're going to Chin. On expenses, of course."
Her eyes shone, and her chest started heaving with excitement. "Chin? The land which is as different to ours as night is to day?"
Had she said something? I kinda missed it, with all the delicious chest heaving and all. It was a wonderful sight, Gabrielle's beautiful bosooms jiggling about, even if it was underneath that disgustingly atrocious green top she insisted on wearing all over the place. I'd gotten her a really beautiful black and red lacy little number which for some reason she'd flatly refused to wear. Something about the tassels and the little cutaway bits... Exerting my superhuman self control, I pulled my eyes upwards. "That's the place."
"Goodie! I've never been abroad. Is it safe to drink the water?"
"I wouldn't know, sweetheart. I try to avoid the stuff wherever possible. Lots of things weren't safe, last time I was there." My face turned dreamy as I lost myself in memories of days gone by, when me and Borias were the scourge of the Steppes, sharing danger, terror and eyeshadow on a regular basis. I shoulda known the day I found him in my best thermal underwear that me and Borias shared more than just a love of warlording. We also had the same dress sense.
"You've been to Chin already?" She looked vaguely pissed off. "By the Gods, Xena, is there anywhere in the world you haven't been?"
I shook the visions of my heady, mis-spent youth from my mind. "Yeah, one place, Gabrielle," I replied meaningfully, and really meaning it. At least she had the good grace to blush. "And not for what of trying." Damn me but what wouldn't I give to get that stamp in my passport!
"You ain't got the special visa," she replied airily before sticking her nose back in that accursed parchment. She'd been reading it for two days straight already. I wondered if it was one of those ‘special scrolls' that Big Bernie sold down at the wharf, written for a ‘selective audience' of ‘discerning pleasure seekers'. Mind you, it didn't usually take more than two minutes to get through one of those babies, much like the time it took to get with their authors. I should know. Most of them scrolls were about me.
"Speaking of which..." I yanked the scroll from her hand and trying to sneak a peek, to much wailing and threatening. "Have you got a passport?"
That stopped her, more's the pity since she'd leapt up and was trying to snatch the scroll from my hand, which involved lots of jumping, jiggling and rubbing against me. The whole thing got me thinking - say, maybe there was something to all this reading business! I resolved to have a go, as soon as Gabrielle would let me. And then, maybe I'd even try the reading thing too.
"Passport?"
"Yeah, a little piece of parchment thingy that lets you travel around from country to country. Here..." I dug around in one of my drawers and dragged mine out. It was all dusty and still a bit sticky, but you could still see all the various stamps and little inscriptions that marked the record of all the places I'd ever marauded to in my youth, when I was a travelling girl.
She held it gingerly between thumb and forefinger before opening it up and leafing cautiously through it. "Good Gods, Xena, is this supposed to be you?" Disbelief all over her face, she was pointing to the little sketch of me on the second page.
"So I was a lot younger then, what of it?"
"The pages are a little stuck together... what is this, wine?"Her face crinkled with distaste as she continued trying to prise the pages apart.
"Uhhh... not really. I had to leave Rome in a bit of a hurry that year."
"What's this... ‘occupation: rampaging warlord'; ‘place of birth; Amphipolis'; ‘date of birth' - no waay!"
"Hey! I had to kill a lot of people to get that on the official records! Back when I was evil," I added hastily.
She looked a little worried. "Xena, I don't have one of these. Do I need one?"
"Sure ya do, sweetheart. There won't be no Chin for you without one. I assume you wanna come to Chin?" She cast me a filthy look. "Then ya need a passport."
The worried expression remained. "How do I get one?"
The frown lines on her face were kinda cute. I rubbed my chin thoughtfully, and spent a few enjoyable minutes musing while she simmered and stewed. "Well," I drawled eventually, "They ain't easy to get. Ya gotta have the right connections. And the dough, of course. And a valid permit to travel. They don't accept ‘general marauding' ‘rape and pillage' ‘masterminding a coup' or ‘business trip' anymore apparently. I'll be okay, I still got an ‘access all areas' stamp on my passport but you... we'll have to put you down as a holiday."
She clapped her hands in excitement. "Goodie. I haven't had a holiday for ages." Sudden visions of Gabrielle all wet with salty seawater, sand in all her unmentionables (and didn't I wanna build sandcastles in them!), flashed into my mind's eye and instantly I resolved to get down to the travel agents and book us a fortnight in Corfu as soon as we got back from Chin.
"And then once you've filled in the application, it takes around half a moon to come."
"Okay, so I'll fill the forms out tomorrow. When do we leave?"
"The day after."
"Oh." She looked panic stricken, what with the wobbly chin and trembly lips and all. "But... but you can't go without me," she blurted, her voice rising. "You'll get into all sorts of trouble. You need me, I'm your partner. We're in this together! Who knows what you'll get up to if you go over there by yourself." I merely shrugged. "Xena, what are we going to do?" she finished, her voice going all soggy like a paper boat on a lake.
I let her stew a while longer, then puffed my chest out. "Leave it to me, Gabrielle. There's an issuing office in town, we can rush one through. On expenses, of course."
The noise of the air whooshing out of her reminded me of that wineskin me and Draco had punctured on that moat outside Corinth Castle, except it hadn't been filled with air. Made a nice explosion, that black powder did, specially when mixed with Greek fire. I'd learned loads while I was in Chin, and I was really looking forward to going back, looking up a few old haunts, sampling the cuisine again, reminiscing about old massacres, that sort of thing. Especially with my best girl on my arm, showing her the sights, seeing her lovely green eyes light up with curiosity. And with a bit of luck, getting to stamp her very special passport.
****
Part 3 - A Blonde In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush..
My legendary patience was starting to wear thin even for me, and everyone knew I was a paragon of virtue normally. That's why everyone seemed so surprised at my slight expressions of frustration at having to wait in this Godsbedamned queue for aeons while a collection of antiquated or just plain incompetent clerks rummaged in their drawers for applications, permits and licenses. It's not as though I don't agree with the concept of queuing - everyone should wait their turn, of course. It's the concept of being in the queue that pisses me off most.
Luckily I wasn't in it for long. The queue mysteriously melted away once I'd slowly and menacingly loosed my sword from its sheath and began leisurely sharpening it. Much to the mortification of Gabrielle. Still, here we were at the front of the queue, with her filling in the form in her best handwriting whilst sticking her tongue between her teeth in concentration. In my eyes, she was still the cutest thing on two legs, especially with her tongue out, and the damn broad behind the counter seemed to think so too.
"My, what beautiful writing you have, Ms..." The clerk squinted at the spidery scrawl which meandered over Gabrielle's application. "... Gabrielle?"
"Thank you," simpered Gabrielle in return. Honestly, anyone would think she never got compliments. I give them to her all the time - about her breasts, her butt, her marvellous abs, that great set of gams. What else are my constant attempts to get her clothes off, but compliments? I can't help it if I'm too subtle for her.
This damn blonde clerk sure didn't have no finesse. She leaned in closer over the counter, braving my warning glare, and tried to strike up a conversation with my little blonde. "Going anywhere nice?"
Gabrielle broke off her laboured scribbling and cast her a brief smile. "Chin."
The damn clerk coloured up with joy at the smile. "Oh, how nice!" she babbled, her short hair mere inches away from my own little blonde's golden fleece. "How fabulously exotic!" She was simpering. I was stewing.
Gabrielle, meanwhile, seemed oblivious. "Isn't it? Xena's taking me. I can't wait." She bent her head back to her application form.
It musta been my imagination, but I coulda sworn that blonde chick shot me a real dirty glare, like I was a piece of something she had to wipe off her shoe. Back when I was Evil, I'd killed for less but these days I was more mellow. Plus, Gabrielle would'a been pissed if I'd gotten blood on the floor, this being our local post office and all. I threw her a shit-eating grin and casually pushed a pile of dinars across the counter at her.
"For the passport. And a little something for yourself, toots. To say thanks for the rush job." Seething now, her face all red and blotchy, I saw her mumbling what looked like some sorta prayer to some guy called Jin before she swept most of the coins into a tray. The rest she pocketed.
Gabrielle glanced up. "Yes, it's terribly important that we get it in time. It will be ready, won't it... err..." She peered closely at the small name tag which the woman bore above her right breast. ".. Najara?"
Najara blushed once more, simpered, and batted her eyelashes. I didn't get where I am today by not being able to notice when someone's putting the moves on my girl. I resolved to kill her if she showed any signs of starting, and I loosened my well-sharpened sword again, in an obvious and growling way.
"Oh yes," gushed Najara, colouring to the roots of her probably dyed hair. "I wouldn't want to let you down. Two days, we said. That means you must be leaving on the... ahhh...?"
"Thursday," I cut in smoothly. "Passage is cheaper and there's less goats on the boat."
She looked at me blankly for a minute. "Right. Thursday. Well. Fine. Call back here on Wednesday and I'll have your passport. And uhh..." She leaned forward to whisper into Gabrielle's ear. "Can you leave her behind? She's kind of ruining our business, scaring people off like that."
Well, what a cheek. I'd only cost them a measly... what, fifteen customers in the hour that we'd been here? At a rough estimate of fifteen dinars an application? That makes... uhhh... you know what, that really isn't important right now. Gabrielle grabbed the fingers I was trying to count on, and began yanking me outta there, throwing a warm smile back to the crestfallen Najara.
No way I was letting Gabrielle come back here on her own. I had that Najara's card marked. I tossed her an evil look, bared my teeth and snarled at her all the way outta the room until we were down the street, up the alley, through the front door, all the way through dinner and right up until I was getting dressed for the Hairy Butcher. That'd teach that damn crazy chick.
****
I was a bit miffed, to say the least. Gabrielle hadn't even looked up from that damn parchment all the way through my marathon snarling session. As soon as we'd gotten in through the front door, she'd chucked herself onto the bench and stuck her cute button nose deep into that musty old piece of ink-stained future firewood. I'd scrubbed myself from top to bottom in the hip bath, lustily singing my favourite bathtime song, ‘The day the cobbler's daughter met the taxman in the barn ' - it usually sends her into a hissy fit but this time, not even a slamming door was to be heard. Although admittedly, she'd have to have slammed it right in my face for me to have heard anything over my own tuneful wailing. I'd even poured a whole capful of ‘essence of flowers' into it - her favourite perfume, she can usually smell its illegal use at twenty five paces. Still no reaction.
Not even the sight of me resplendent in my best, freshly oiled leathers could prompt her to raise her eyes.
"I'm off to the Hairy Butcher, Gabrielle."
"Mmmm."
Disappointing. Usually the merest mention of the infamous haunt was enough to send her off on one - in fact, last time she'd banned me outright, which I thought was unfair. I mean, was it my fault Alti had ended up killing fifteen people in there? Just because she had a weensy little crush on me? And some totally anonymous person had plied her with Stag's Blood and then tried to get her to do her legendary dance with a table leg and a feather boa? Personally I think me having a whip-round to raise the dough to get Gabrielle up on the stage and take over with the feather boa might've - just might've - had something to do with the banning, but with Gabrielle, who really knew?
"It's peep show night. I hear the new dancer is even better'n Alti was, before the Stag's Blood habit made her knees arthritic."
"Mmm."
"Apparently the things she can do with a teaspoon and a pound of bacon would set your hair on end."
"Bacon?" She looked up, her eyes slightly glazed.
"Uh-huh. Apparently she ain't allowed eggs no more on account of the time she..."
She rolled the scroll up airily. "I don't want to know, Xena. If you want to go to that den of iniquity, that's up to you. Stop trying to get me to go. I told you before, I am not setting foot in that place. Not until you pay all that money back." For some reason, the punters who'd coughed up to see her strip had been awful disappointed - some might say murderously lecherous - when the promised floorshow hadn't happened. "Anyway," she continued, twirling the scroll around. "I don't care about bacon anymore. I'm thinking of becoming a vegetarian."
"A vegetarian?"
"That's right. It's just not right, all this killing and murder. It can't be good for my karma."
"Karma?"
"Karma. It tells you all about it in this scroll. It's brilliant, Xena! You should read it sometime. It will help you find your Way."
"I know my way. It's down the bottom of the alley, turn right at the candlemakers..."
She poked me impatiently with the brass end of the scroll. "Not the way to the Hairy Butcher! The Path to true Enlightenment!"
"I'm plenty enlightened, sweetheart. And I aim to be a damn sight more enlightened when I see Lizzie Lolita and her Amazing..."
Fair eyebrows drew together ominously. "But what about your soul, Xena? Don't you care about that? All this violence and sex - well, what kind of life is that? Never mind, don't answer that. I've decided to find a new way, Xena. A peaceful way. One that fits in more with my principles."
Oh great, more principles. Just what she needs.
"What was that you just said?" Suspicious green eyes bored into mine.
"Gabrielle, sweetheart, don't you think that in our line of work, just a teensy bit of violence, murder and sex is needed?" She looked horrified. "Especially the sex?"
"Good Gods, I can see I'm really going to have to work on your soul or you'll never find the Way. Here - take this." She shoved that wretched scroll into my hands. "I'm coming with you to the Hairy Butcher. It's fairly obvious you can't be trusted with your own salvation. Read this while I get changed."
And with that, she twirled around and I watched her pert little brown-clad butt waltz its way through the hallway and up the stairs. I heaved a deep sigh - my, but that was one hot butt and didn't I wanna be sizzling away next to it right now! I sighed again, and dreamily opened the scroll.
It was some sort of quasi-religious claptrap, some happy-clappy drivel about God and Love and Peace, yadda yadda yadda. Two paragraphs in and I was bored rigid. I mean to say, renounce violence? Love your fellow man? The author had obviously never seen half the guys who frequented the Hairy Butcher on peep show nights - I wouldn't love any of ‘em even for a bucket o'dinars and a free plate of House Special Stew! Peace? Been there, bored by that. Forgiveness? I didn't get to be the best warrior investigator by forgiving people who had trespassed against me. I mean, where would I have been now if I had've forgiven Cortese, the murdering harpy! He was happier being put out of my misery - it was a kindness, I tell you, it really was.
And as for the Love, well everyone knew I had that in spades. My skills were finely honed, my prowess as a lover legendary. I practised nearly every night, just to keep my hand in. Tales were still told in certain quarters of Gaul about me, the entire Hun army and a pound of goat's cheese. What could some religious nutjob teach me?
Gabrielle sauntered back into the room, looking pleased with herself for disturbing my pondering. She'd changed. She'd taken off that fashion affront that was her green top, which in theory was all I could ever have wanted in life, but then she'd gone and ruined my day by draping herself in the most garish orange ensemble I'd ever seen.
"You're not going out dressed like that, are you?" I queried.
"What are you, my mother?" she replied, in an unnecessarily aggressive way I thought. Getting her new Peace and Love gig off to a flying start there. "What's wrong with it?"
"Well..." My mouth opened and closed like a fish for a bit. My unerring instincts spotted that this was a dangerous moment and I would need all my finely honed warrior instincts to calm things down. "You look like a pumpkin. It's not fancy dress night down the Butcher, is it?" Her green eyes inexplicably grew steely - some might say murderous - and she started mumbling something about ‘peace, love and forgiveness.' "What's that long swirly thing you're wearing?"
"Sari," she ground out.
"Don't apologise, just take it off."
You know, she hit me then, muttering something about ‘doing the love and forgiveness crap later'.
I dunno, sometimes I just couldn't keep up with her.
****
Part 3 - The way to a woman's bed is through her stomach..
The rain puddled into the walkways, sending the brown earth of the road into a stream of mud. My best boots were filthy by the time we got to the Butcher, and Gabrielle's hems were splattered and soggy. She grumped and growled all the way. Finding her spiritual side definitely seemed to have been at the expense of her temper, which seemed to be getting as short as she was.
Just as we got to the doorway of the Butcher, she broke down. "This is ridiculous! Look at this rain, I'm soaked through and my sari's starting to run. I don't know why I came."
The door opened, and a boozy, sweaty pall of smoke drifted lazily out on the street and ravaged our delicate noses. My eyes started watering, but I think that was mainly cos she had hold of my ear and was twisting it. "If you want to go off and ruin your soul - what little's left of it - then who am I to stop you? You are a grown woman, after all."
She let go of my ear, giving it a final pinch, which was great as it allowed me to have a closer look at the tattered poster which hung lop-sided from the door.
‘Luscious Lizzie and her...' the parchment was a bit torn here...
‘..amazin feats of endurins...' the parchment was a bit... stained... here...
‘... personl services avail...' the parchment was definitely... disturbed here...
It wasn't like I hadn't seen speciality acts before, so I acted kinda cool so's not to draw Gabrielle's attention.
"You're drooling," she observed flatly. "And you've gone ever so red." She peered at the poster, and went ever so red herself. "Is that the woman you were talking about earlier?"
I was still acting cool. "...peep..."
"Oh really, not this again." She grabbed my arm and tried to yank me away, which musta been kinda hard since I was clamped to the doorposts at the time. "Forget it, I'm not having you stalked by mad lap dancers and strippers again. It's not good for business or my mental health. We just got rid of Alti and that was only by passing her over to that psychopath Velasca. What if we don't know any other psychopaths?"
I gave her a look.
"Okay, fine. But you are not going in there. End of discussion."
"But what about my soul, Gabrielle?"
"What has she got to do with your soul?"
"My soul's in my body, isn't it? And she could really..."
Honestly, I don't know anyone who could make two perfectly normal eyes do that in their heads. It was clear she wasn't having any of it, which meant that I definitely wouldn't be getting any of it. I rose to the occasion and let my maturity and good nature win out.
"Aw bloody hell, Gabrielle! I got me best leathers on and had a bath an' everything! No fair!"
She sniffed speculatively, and somewhat suspiciously. "Did you bathe in my ‘essence of flowers'?"
"No."
She bopped me over the head. "Liar. I can smell it on you."
"You've ruined my evening once already, don't go giving me a headache too." She had the grace to look slightly guilty, and mumbled a sort of apology. I turned to go, muttering my own choice phrases.
My misery seemed to cheer her. She grabbed my arm and whirled me about, a big cheesy grin on her face. "I've had an idea. Since we're both dressed up and at loose ends... no, forget about the stripper... how about we go upmarket and have a meal out? We can afford it, Hercules has sent the reward money over from the Antiminius case."
I perked up immediately, a wicked gleam shining in my eyes. "A meal? You mean like... a date, Gabrielle?" She looked a bit suspicious at that. "Because I'm so upset tonight, and all the ear pulling and cuffing has given me a right headache. A date might be the only thing that saves me from myself. I'd hate to let all this emotional upset bring the Evil Xena out in me."
She paled. "Well, I wasn't..."
"Evil Xena," I reminded her.
She closed her eyes in resignation. "Fine. A date. Except no touching. Or rubbing. Or fondling. Or kissing."
Excellent! My feminine wiles and intense charisma had combined to lure her into my trap. My honey trap, and didn't I wanna be slurping some of that honey tonight! I grinned massively and then started licking my lips. "Of course, sweetheart. I did say a date. A meal, some wine and then sex."
I could tell from the sighing and rolling of eyes that she was as eager as I was to get the eating thing over with, so we could get straight onto the other stuff. Of course, with Gabrielle, eating always was an important and lengthy part of any plan. I knew how much this would mean to her - what with her being a virgin and all, and me a legendary lover - so I decided to help her out and just cut to the chase. "Dimitrios has a kebab stall a few roads back, won't take us a few minutes to shove a coupl' kebabs down us and then..."
"There's a new restaurant opened up in town," she offered, hooking her arm through mine and dragging me away from the Hairy Butcher. "The owners are from Chin. I thought it might be apt, since we're going there. Get us used to the native cuisine. So important to adapt to the local customs and such, don't you think Xena?"
"Sure, sweetheart. Whatever you say," I replied indulgently, secure in the knowledge that soon I'd be introducing her to several interesting and unique Chin customs of my own. Or at least, customs which involved my chin and other body parts in the close vicinity thereof.
****
I plonked us down at a table near the door while Gabrielle stared around, awestruck. It was the poshest gaff either of us had ever eaten in, what with all the wall hangings, tablecloths and little candles in the centre of the tables. Gabrielle was thrilled; she kept squeezing my hand and grinning at me across the table while she played with her chopsticks. The sight of those nimble fingers doing their delicious little dance made my eyes water, and I beckoned the waiter over, ready to order a chicken fried rice to go. Sod the ambience. I had my own finger lickin' goodness to be getting on with!
"This is so great," she kept saying, her eyes all lit up with pleasure and damn me if the sight of her beaming away at me didn't make my heart flutter behind my breastplate. I decided she deserved better than a quick spring roll, and settled myself in to wine and dine her properly. Even if she turned the sex down - I know, madness but we were talking Gabrielle here - I knew she was a classy dame and I should be treating her better than I sometimes did. I ain't used to dating, see - treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen, that's always been my motto, and that didn't usually involve dates in the formal sense. ‘Course, treating ‘em mean is open to interpretation; I say over-enthusiastic, they say ‘sacking the village'. I mean, if a girl's attention gets distracted by a sexy, lacy underwear wearing broad with a great set of mazoombas while she just happens to be issuing orders to start a teensy little cooking fire... well, mistakes can happen. But of course, that was all in the past, back when I was Evil Xena. I haven't torched a village during the throes of orgasm for a while now.
She gave my hand another squeeze, a bit more insistently this time. "What are all these squiggles on this piece of parchment?"
"That's the menu, sweetheart. It's written in the language of Chin."
Her little tongue peeked out as she tried to study the incomprehensible language, and her brows furrowed. Damnit, but she was cute enough to eat and didn't I just wanna be nibbling away at her edges right now! "But I don't understand any of it. Xena, how do I know what to order?" She blushed as the waiter arrived at our table.
I tried hard not to preen too much. "Allow me, sweetheart. I'm a natural at language, it's one of my many skills. I did spend some time in Chin, after all."
I turned my most charming smile on the waiter, who for some strange reason quailed and started shaking a little. When I started to speak, he turned pale and I swear to Ares I could hear his knees knocking. He was obviously a bit slow on the uptake, so I mustered all my considerable language ability and tried again, this time slower and louder.
He broke into an eerie keening, flung down his wax tablet and stylus and scarpered from the room, knocking over tables and chairs as he did so.
"I must be rustier'n I thought," I mused.
A voice as smooth and rich as melted honey slid across the table at us. It was Lao Ma. She gave a small, inscrutable smile. "You just told him that your yurt had a leaky roof and if he didn't fix it, you'd take his sister, his wife and his... prospects... in payment. And that you'd... what's the phrase in your language? I think it may be untranslatable in mixed company. Understandably, he was somewhat perturbed. Your reputation does precede you, Xena."
Honestly. One little bitty mistake way back in your past and your card is marked for life. When will people learn forgiveness? When? Okay, so I made a few mistakes back when I was Evil Xena, Scourge of the Steppes and Chin Chiller. One of which was sharing a weensy little business venture with Borias, back when he was still a man. They called it ‘white slavery, kidnapping and extortion' and for some reason took umbrage. Took it all the way to the borders of the land and then build a massive wall just to stop us getting back in. Honestly, no sense of perspective, those Chin people.
"He'll be on the slow boat, heading back home now. You've just cost me a waiter, Xena. I shall deduct it from your fees, of course."
"Hey, now wait a darn minute!"
"Do you have a problem?" She fixed me with a steely gaze, which meant nothing to me of course, battle hardened woman that I was.
"Damn, you're not as soft as you look, are you lady?" I mewled.
"Soft like water, but who can withstand the raging flood?"
Well, she had me there. Mainly on account of me not understanding a damn word she'd said. Some kinda hippy happy mumbo jumbo, which Gabrielle seemed to appreciate. Probably reminded her of the claptrap in that crazy scroll of hers.
"That's very deep," my awe-struck assistant observed.
Lao Ma turned appraising eyes onto her. "I can see you appreciate a pun. My name is Lao Ma. And you are Xena's...?"
"Business partner," Gabrielle stuck in, a little too quickly for my liking. "I understand we'll be working a case for you?"
"Indeed. And may I say how relieved I am to hear that you will also be working on my case.
As they say in my land, ‘the dance of the puppet is nothing without the skills of the string master.'"
"How true," nodded Gabrielle sagely. "How true." I was expecting Gabrielle to be a bit more upset, what with her being called a puppet and all, but oddly enough, she didn't seem to be. That was Gabrielle for you - unpredictable.
"Gotta lotta sayin's, ain't ya lady?" I eyeballed Lao Ma. "Well, I gotta few of my own..."
"I'm sure if we give you long enough, Xena, you'll be able to come up with one."
Sheesh, but this lady had teeth; smooth, smooth teeth. And right now, they were bared in a crocodile grin. But I knew her sort - she was playing hard to get. Sometimes the dames did, ‘specially the feisty ones but underneath all the bravado, I could tell she had the hots for me and she had ‘em bad. Well, hard to get was fine with me. I liked the thrill of the chase, the strategy, the hunt and finally, the taking down. Yeah, I especially liked the taking down bit. I gave her a knowing smile, which seemed to catch her off guard a bit, since she rolled her eyes and sighed. She sighed again, clicked her fingers and ordered us a selection of the house specials.
****
Gabrielle tucked in with gusto, sending noodles and soy sauce all over the pristine white tablecloth in a frenzy of feeding. In between mouthfulls, she gurgled happily and made other noises about the food, the people and the culture of Chin.
I, ever the consummate professional, decided that it was time to get down to business, so I conducted an intensive interrogation of my newest fee-paying client. Gabrielle chipped in the occasional question, in between prawn crackers.
Within a matter of mere seconds, or as long as it took Gabrielle to devour a five course meal, I had gotten all the information I needed. From a good family, she'd married a much older man - some sort of ruler of Chin or something - in an arranged marriage. Had a kid, life of domestic boredom, unfulfilled potential, misery misery yadda yadda yadda until the old git divorced her when he found a younger model to play with. Being the mother of the future Ruler of Chin, she'd been paid off with a handsome settlement, whereupon she'd promptly gone out and found herself another old geezer to shack up with. No kids, life of unfulfilled potential, misery misery yadda yadda... Jeez, talk about ungrateful! It's true what they say about money not buying you love but it sure as Hades can make a body comfortable in their misery and she sure didn't have no cause to complain on that score. She was rollin' in dough, you could tell.
Though my ears did prick up slightly when I found that her second husband - a ruler of another part of Chin (Just how many parts of Chin were there?) - had a serious stroke not long after marrying her (coincidence, do we think?) and rather than let the old goat die in peace and ascend to the next level of Buddhist Nirvana while his nephew took the throne, she decided she liked the smell of power and so used all her black arts to keep the poor old soak barely alive, enabling her to rule in his name.
Boy, I fair broke out in a sweat when she said that. Well, it was kinda hot in that restaurant, not to mention all the heat that was being generated by the supreme effort of will it was taking not to leap across the table and ravish Gabrielle on the spot. Damn me but that woman was the sexiest eater I ever did see, and didn't I wanna be eating off her delicious plates right now! It wasn't exactly that I was terrified by Lao Ma - did I say terrified? I meant turned on, of course - as mere mortals didn't have that effect on me. It was just that she was so darn cool and calculating, and emotionless and practical and well, ruthless. And that was saying something, coming from me.
To cut a long story short, the two Houses of Chin were mortal sworn enemies and now, party or parties unknown had snatched her child and sent her off around the world on a wild goose chase, trying to track him down. She had to get back to Chin to stop her scam with the nearly-dead Head of the House of Lao being discovered. Which is where I came in.
The nub of the matter was - the dame was loaded, and wicked, and remorseless. Just my type.
Well, had been my type before my type had changed to innocent and sweet little blondes with abs to die for and a smile so pure it could light up a room before she was even in it.
Still, there was something about black-hearted, ruthless women that was just so much of a damned turn on. I should know; I was one of ‘em after all.
****
Part 4 - Jealousy is a girl's best friend..
I'd sent Gabrielle out early to pick up her passport while I busied myself with preparations for our trip. It never fails to amaze me just how long it can take to bribe a corrupt wharfmaster to turn a blind eye to a trip for two almost-fee-paying passengers all the way to Chin. It wasn't the passage that took the bribery - it was the single cabin. Or, to be exact, it was the prefabricated excuse for the single cabin which would be trotted out on cue when a certain suspicious and overly modest blonde assistant kicked up a stink about having to share.
She came back a bit flushed and with sparkly eyes, and my antenna immediately sprang into life.
"You haven't been seeing Iolaus again, have you?" I queried suspiciously.
"No." She showed me her passport.
"Oh Gods, you've been with that counter clerk, haven't you?"
She blushed. "Well, she followed me out after I'd collected my passport. It was her lunch break and she wanted to know all about what we were going to be doing in Chin and said she'd done quite a lot of travelling herself - we got talking and she asked me to lunch, so I accepted. What's wrong with that? It was perfectly harmless."
I hyperventilated a little. "Harmless? The woman's an absolute psycho!" Visions of someone else enjoying Gabrielle over lunch swam before my eyes, making me giddy with jealousy and unrequited sexual longing.
"No she isn't! She's actually a very interesting and together sort of person. We've got loads in common."
"Such as?" I blustered.
"Well..." she commenced counting off on her fingers, which just inflamed my jealous rage and unstoppable sexual desire even more. "We're both blonde, we're both roughly the same age..." Yeah, right - like that woman wasn't a day under thirty five or my name wasn't Xena. "We like the same things - travelling, food. We both have a spiritual side. And we've both renounced the path of violence. Najara - that's her name, she's really nice - was once wicked like you and she's changed. Now she fights for the greater good, or at least files for it, and she's dedicated her life to Peace, Love and Justice for all."
"But... but, that's practically me, Gabrielle!" I wailed, inconsolable with passion by this stage. "What's she got that I haven't got?"
Her green eyes kindled. "She shows an interest in me, Xena. And before you say it, no - trying to get me into bed every five minutes isn't the sort of interest I'm talking about! When we were talking, I felt important. I felt like our conversation was genuine and not some form of overly elaborate foreplay!" She'd ran herself out of righteous indignation, which had left her cleavage flushed and heaving prettily.
Well, really. What was she trying to say? Obviously this psycho Najara woman had slipped her something. I couldn't be having Gabrielle all drugged up without me around to enjoy the benefits, so I did what I should have done all along. I folded her up into my arms, sniffed her breath and examined her pupils for signs of inadvertently swallowed noxious substances. She seemed to like it, as she started cooing apologies and snuggling in closer. Okay, I might've started with the cooing but hey - I wasn't too stubborn to make the first move! In my line of work, a gal gets to learn when to lose a battle in order to win the war.
She seemed substance free, much to my regret, but I still felt a bit uneasy about this Najara woman. "I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions, Gabrielle. I just get worried about you, is all. I know you're more than capable of looking after yourself," I added hastily when I saw her eyes starting to kindle, "but I care about you, so you can't blame me for being worried, now can you?"
She huffed and puffed a bit, but I could tell she was pleased by the way she started blushing again. "I guess it's quite flattering. In a kind of overbearing way."
"See, I knew you'd understand! It's one of the things I love... err... to discuss with you - understanding, and peace and love. All the stuff that was in your scroll!" Okay, I knew I was getting desperate. Even I could hear it in my own voice. I flung an arm casually over her shoulders and started steering her towards the kitchen. "Did I tell you I just loved that scroll? The teachings - fabulous. Really struck a chord with me. All that peace, love and forgiveness crap... err, crab? For dinner, I mean? I've been down at the docks, securing our passage."
"You did ask for the two singles with ensuite, didn't you Xena?"
"Of course, sweetheart. But listen - you gotta remember, this mission is top secret. There's the life of a little boy at stake here, not to mention the future security of two rival nations in Chin. Ya didn't blab too much to Najara, did you?"
She looked a bit shifty then. "No, I ahh... of course not."
"Good. ‘Cos we don't know anything about her, or whether she can be trusted. Thing is with this mission, Gabrielle- we gotta be in and out, like a coupl'a shadows. Low key, that's the trick."
"Right. Low key. I can do that."
"Okay, sweetheart. I'll get the crab on, you start packing your gear. We leave at dawn."
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