 |
Web Hosting by Netfirms | Free Domain Names by Netfirms |
|
|
|
Peeking through the branches from their snug but prickly hiding place amidst the bushes, Gabrielle and Athene watched as the little village burst into bustling activity. Gabrielle sighed deeply. "Great. It's market day - that's all we need. So much for keeping a low profile."
"Oh, calm down. More people for us to hide behind."
"Yeah, but two young women like us wandering around is going to draw attention - look. Do you see anyone our age?" asked Gabrielle.
"Well... not my age..." At Gabrielle's confused look, she expanded airily, "I do look young for my age, don't I? It's clean living and a healthy diet that keeps my trim figure and girlish complexion."
"Really? And there was me thinking it was divine intervention..." muttered Gabrielle into a nearby thorny branch.
"I can hear you, you know."
"Okay, I don't see any sign of them anywhere. How will we get in and find out what's happened?" Gabrielle stared expectantly at the goddess.
"What are you looking at me like that for?" The perplexed goddess stared right back. Gabrielle nodded her head in encouragement. "What?" She nodded again, more vigorously.
"What???"
"Don't you have a plan?" the bard whispered loudly.
"Why on Olympus would I have a plan?"
"You don't have a plan? I thought... y'know.... goddess of wisdom and all..."
"Hey, babe, I made sure you got the brains. Use ‘em and make me proud!"
Gabrielle sighed deeply, glared at the goddess and then peeked again through the brush and into the little village square. A slow smile spread across her lips.
***
They sauntered into the square, tugging their cloaks around them and pulling
the hoods deep over their faces. Gabrielle's quick glance fell on a group of
soldiers gathered around the steps at the foot of the temple. Each had a hammer
and anvil sewn onto the front of his tunic. She pointed to them as she spoke
out of the corner of her mouth to Athene.
"Okay - we need to get close to them... hear what they're saying..." Her green eyes suddenly lit up and she smiled eagerly. "Here... grab one of these baskets..."
Moments later, both women were strolling round the square, selling ripe fruit to the various passers by from the baskets they carried on their arms. Strategically, they wandered towards the temple, settled themselves near a flower seller and did a roaring trade selling melons.
"Hey, old crone... how much for the melon?"
"Huh?"
"Is your hearing going? How much for the melon??"
"Uhh, two dinars."
"Say... you aint as old as you... what's a nice young thing like you doing here at this time of the moon?"
"Uhh... ahhhhh... selling melons?" Gabrielle's stock of small talk, unusually for the bard, dried up quickly as she turned to serve the guard, causing her hood to slip back.
"Wheww!! You're a looker, aintcha? Hmm. Wouldn't be a ... shouldn't really ask a lady but, aw Hades! It's all in a good cause! Virgin?"
"No thanks, we've already eaten," came the smooth response from behind him; the words rang loudly in his ear, almost drowning out the clanging in his head as Athene's sword hilt connected solidly with the top of his skull. The two women dragged him quickly round the corner, and waited impatiently for him to regain consciousness.
The scruffy guard groaned as he opened blearily dazed eyes, to find his vision filled with two pairs of eyes and - melons? He staggered to his feet, and tried to pull his sword, which he noticed with confusion was hanging from the leather-clad one's loose grip.
"Hey! Whaddaya do that for? I were only askin'..." Two pairs of eyebrows raised themselves in sardonic enquiry. "Not for me, you understand... it's for Hephaestus! Wouldn't you like to serve a god? Public duty and all?"
"Been there, doing that..." mumbled Gabrielle.
The guy turned and made a grab for his sword, and was immediately whacked on the head with it. "Tut tut tut!" admonished a scowling Athene. "Down, boy!"
A pair of bleary brown eyes tried to outstare her, then gave up quickly. "That hurt..." he grumbled. "Whyd'ja hafta hit me so hard? What are you - Xena or something?"
"Actually, that's who..." Athene started until she was hustled out of place by Gabrielle.
"...she is, exactly! Yeah. Xena...!" The little bard's eyebrows were doing a frantic jig on her forehead.
"Should'a guessed - all that leather'n all..." Squirming under the appreciative gaze of the dirty little man, Athene growled. Strangely enough, it didn't put him off. "So you're Xena, huh? Funny. I expected you to be..." His eyes were transfixed at certain twin points of her anatomy, and his hands moved in vague circles at chest height. "...bigger, somehow."
Athene started at her chest, a glum expression on her features. "What? You don't think I'm big enough?" She prodded herself a couple of times, causing the guard's eyes to swivel in their sockets. "Gabrielle - don't you think I'm big enough?"
Gabrielle was looking rather dreamy eyed as she replied, "Well, Xena is quite a bit... uhhh... she's plenty big enough already, believe me! Now, forget about the size of her... umm... stature..." the bard trailed off weakly, smiling to herself. Athene sighed at the girl's distraction, and poked the guy in the belly, causing him to crash onto his knees with an "Oof!"
"Right. Let's get down to business..."
The guy stuttered, but a smile spread across his ugly face. "Uhhh... if you insist. How much do you usually charge? Is it extra for rough?"
Ignoring the outraged gasp from the little bard, Athene pressed on stubbornly. "Okay, odour man. What did you mean, asking if my friend here was a virgin? What's the deal with Hephaestus?"
"I'm not talking to you! I will not betray Hephaestus' sacred trust!!"
Gabrielle stepped up, red in the face. "Look, you slimeball. Hephaestus doesn't care about you and I have it on very good authority that he's not great at the sacred trust thing either. So you can start talking, or..." She let the threat hang in the air. Unfortunately, the guard was one of Hephaestus' brighter recruits.
"Or what?"
"Or else - I'm gonna hafta get Xena... Xena!... to put the pinch on you! Ha!" The bard's eyebrows repeated their earlier circuit of her forehead.
Athene stared silently for a minute, the faintest trace of "Huh?" deep in her eyes, then she shrugged and tweaked the man's upper arm briefly. "There..." she proclaimed. "...don't make me do that again! Now talk!"
"Ow! Wait! Was that it? That was the infamous pinch?" The guy was rubbing the faint red mark which had appeared amidst all the grubby stains on the flesh of his flabby arm.
"Heh! Heh! She's... (can I have a word with you?)... she's merely toying with you... as she does sometimes when she's really, really angry. Heh!" Gabrielle made frantic gestures with two fingers of each hand. Athene caught on, and raised her fingers threateningly. The bard continued., "Now don't get her any more upset than she already is. She hates it when people refer to her size!"
"And my assets."
"Yeah... those too... so start talking, if you know what's good for you!"
"I just thought I'd get a little recruitment in while I had the chance. We're paid commission for every virgin we find, y'know. They're for Hephaestus. If we don't give him one about twice a year - sometimes more - he gets real antsy and makes the head priest up the taxes. Makes him! ‘Course, the head priest has to verify the fact that they're virgins. Couldn't have any old body claiming that honour, could we? And sometimes, Hephaestus makes the crops fail - or mysteriously burns down grain stores and the like - and even causes cave-ins at the mines where we get our ore from. So, you see - we need to keep him satisfied. And he does seem to have a very demanding... umm, appetite."
"When's the next sacrifice due? And where are your victims?"
"Victims? Oh, you mean the virgins! They're not victims - it's an honour to be sacrificed to Hephaestus, I tell you!"
"Great - if it's such an honour, why don't you do it? With a face like yours, I'm sure you'd qualify." The bard was practising complicated twirls with her staff.
"Gabrielle!" Athene waggled an admonishing finger, then turned a threatening finger back to the dishevelled guard. "Answer my question, you!"
"Rude, your friend isn't she? Must be all that frustration." He waggled his eyebrows, crudely.
"Frustration? What's he talking about?" Gabrielle's wide eyes stared at Athene in total confusion.
"Umm... ahhh...." stuttered Athene, desperately trying to avoid the girl's confused look, "... probably the... umm, yes, the frustration of not having our questions answered! Yes, that's it!" She finished with a relieved flourish of her still threatening fingers. Gabrielle seemed satisfied.
"Yeah, well ya got that right, Plato! And I get real clumsy when I'm frustrated... <clonk> see? Whoops!"
"Ow! Get her away from me - last thing I need is some frustrated virgin bonking me with a big stick... okay, okay..." he broke, as Gabrielle waved her big stick around in front of a certain area, "...the sacrifice is due at the next full moon, about a week. We got lucky with the virgins - we got two stashed away in the temple. Well, we got one anyways. Between you and me, one of them - big, tall dark thing with a real mean temper - looks like she's been round the block a few times, if ya know what I mean... Ow! But we're always open to new recruits!" He waggled his bushy black eyebrows meaningfully at Gabrielle for a moment, then suddenly found his short sighted vision filled with an extreme close up of a huge yellow melon as it crashed onto his head.
Gabrielle stared as the man slowly crumpled to his knees and lay in a pool of melon juice. "Whaddaya do that for?"
Athene shrugged. "Thought he was getting too fruity with you," she deadpanned, then jumped as the peace and quiet of the little alley was abruptly shattered by the yells and stampeding of a platoon of guards who'd heard the thump of melon and had come to investigate their missing colleague. "Uh-oh..." Athene slowly said.
"Oh no. This is bad," Gabrielle, always the expert bard, stated. "Very bad."
"Admirers of yours? My oh my - the virgin look is certainly THE look for this season..."
"Yeah, well - the dead look is so last week... so I suggest we GET THE HADES OUTTA HERE!!!!"
And the two women ran full pelt up the alley, leapfrogged a stone wall, barrelled through the little square and sprinted as far away from the town as their legs could take them, with an entire platoon of sweating, panting and heavily armed guards hot on their blurred heels.
"Uh-oh..." Athene's trademark response to imminent danger rang out again.
"Oh... %*!£$*!!" The bard's unbardly remark flew out of her mouth, staggered over the cliff edge and tumbled into the water raging far below; both women just about managed to dig their heels in and stop before they did the same. They teetered on the edge of the precipice, gingerly looking down into the river. "Oh, this is high..."
"Yeah. But on the bright side, we seem to have lost the guards."
"Thank the Gods. ‘Cos I just couldn't..." They turned and started to retrace their steps, and walked straight into a solid line of men bristling with assorted sharp weapons and nasty looking grins. One of them wiped melon off his face, shook the rind from his helmet and then leered at them for a good while.
Athene whispered out of the corner of her mouth "We have two options, as I see it.We either go with the fruit baskets here..."
"Not my preferred choice."
"Nor mine. Melon disagrees with me. Especially when it's a substitute for a brain."
"So..." mumbled Gabrielle out of the corner of her mouth, "...our second choice would be?"
They stopped at the edge of the drop again. Both women's faces wore an expression of sheer horror as they stared down, then at each other, then back at the men who were looking distinctly more leery and positively lascivious in certain areas.
"I hate heights," Gabrielle said mournfully.
"We won't be high for long."
"I hate water too. Did I tell you it makes me seasick?"
"Surely that's only if you're on it? Then you'll be fine - as you'll be in it." Athene gave a very watery smile.
"What's up with you?"
"I hate heights too."
"But you live on Mount Olympus? How can you be afraid of heights?"
"I have a ground floor room. But it's not my fear of heights that's worrying me now..."
The queasy feeling in the bard's stomach got livelier with these words. She gave a desperate giggle whilst keeping one anxious eye on the gradually advancing men. She noticed a few had started licking their lips meaningfully. She wished she knew what it meant.
"What... what could you... what?"
"I can't swim." Cringing under the glare of the bard, she stuttered painfully. "And Uncle Poseidon... well, he really has it in for me since that Cecrops thing. Threatened me, actually. Since... uhh... the Cecrops thing."
The bard's green eyes practically rolled right out of their sockets as they swivelled frantically around. "Great. More family feuds. Remind me never to get involved with the gods blasted gods again. It's not good for my health."
Grabbing the panicking goddess by the wrist, glancing back at the grubby men who were now rubbing themselves rather disgustingly, and then sprinting towards the cliff, the last thing that could be heard floating on the gentle breeze was Athene's ear-splitting scream, and the foulest of curses from the fair lips of the bard.
***
Xena crouched by the campfire, trying to coax the reluctant little flames into
flickering life whilst Aphrodite held a knife at arms' length and tried to chop
up the rabbit that Xena had caught on their way back from escaping from the
temple. She was still wearing her white virginal gown. It was looking rather
rumpled and definitely the worse for wear, but as she'd acerbically informed
Xena earlier, "It's way better than those awful blue things you keep making
me wear, warrior babe."
"How's the meat coming?" Xena sat back on her haunches and sighed as she watched the goddess gingerly gripping a small furry leg between thumb and forefinger. "Aphrodite - the meat has to cook before we can eat it. We can't wait all night." Her stomach agreed, loudly. "Gods, I wish Gabrielle was here! She normally does the fire and all the cooking... where in Hades name are they?"
"Relax, sweetcheeks. She'll be safe enough - she's with my sister after all and much as I hate to admit it, she's kinda sensible and wouldn't get into trouble... oh my gods!"
Both women turned at the squelching sounds that entered the perimeters of the camp. Two swamp creatures slopped their way towards the fire, bits of mud and weed streaking their miserable faces and hanging off their shivering limbs. They dripped all over the fire - the little reluctant flames gladly gave up the fight with a relieved hiss and a joyous puff of steam. The smaller swamp creature, who looked like she might've once worn a brown amazon skirt and ugly green top, stared at Xena for an age, her full pink bottom lip quivering piteously.
Xena stared back numbly for a while, eyes glued to the vision before her. "Gabrielle? Is that you?" she managed, when at last she could speak.
"Xeeeennnna..." wailed the little one, and held her arms out pathetically. Immediately, she was enveloped in a big warrior bear hug.
"Oh c'mere sweetheart... you're soaking! And filthy! And... <phew>..." Hurriedly, the bard was at arms length again. "What happened to you both? I thought I told you to wait here!"
"I got worried! You were gone so long and..." sniffled the wet bard, whilst her fellow creature shuffled from foot to foot, desperately trying to avoid the stony blue eyes digging into the back of her skull. "...get into the temple... maybe needed my help... and Athene said.... then when she hit the guy with the melon..."
"Melon?" A completely bemused warrior drowning under the onslaught of the distraught woman's words grasped the slight branch of understanding that floated by.
"Yeah... melons..." The shivering little bard wormed her way back into Xena's arms and snuffled, "...then the guard guy kept rubbing his... and we went over into the river! And I hit my head... how were we to know there was a stagnant pond at the other end?"
"Uncle Poseidon sends his love. He has quite a sense of humour." Athene shook her hair, sending strands of duckweed flying all over Xena and her bard.
"Ahh... c'mere Gabrielle... never mind, you're safe now... let's see about getting you clean and dry." The warrior dragged the bard away, rummaged round Argo's saddlebags until she found a nice fluffy towel and a bar of soap, and then both trotted off to find the nearest waterhole. Both missed the wink that passed from one sister god to the other.
***
An hour later, and one sweet smelling bard sat snugly by the merry fire, sipping
a huge mug of honey-filled tea and waggling her bare toes in bliss as the warrior
behind her finished her back rub. She turned her head to smile into Xena's shining
blue eyes. "That was great - thank you Xena. You can do that again!"
"Anytime you want, my bard. Anytime you want." She ducked her head and planted a little kiss onto the bard's nose - both froze in surprise, then suddenly found lots of other things all over the camp that were suddenly really, really interesting.
"Okay, if you two lovebirds have finished drying yourselves off - what have we learned today that's gonna help us with these nasty, sweaty little creatures who call themselves men?" Aphrodite cut through the silence, as diplomatically as a bull flirting with a cow.
Gabrielle dragged her wandering eyes back to camp, and filled them all in on what she and Athene had found during their trip to the town.
"Good work, you two. Even if you did disobey me and nearly get yourselves killed. So, the sacrifices are in a week's time, but they're down on virgins now so that buys us a little time. Gabrielle and Aphrodite definitely have to stay out of the way while all this is going on - they seem convinced you're both virgins, which would be real funny if the circumstances weren't so serious. And if I had a sense of humour. Which I don't." She frowned over at Aphrodite and rubbed her head again. "Since it got bashed out of me earlier on."
"Oh, please! Miserable warrior witch! We escaped didn't we? So no harm done!"
"Oh yes, we escaped!"
"How did you both manage to get out?" Athene asked, nursing her own mug of tea.
"Diversion," Xena explained. "I faked unconsciousness while Aphrodite distracted the guard."
"How?" Gabrielle's curiosity poured out of her eyes.
"Don't even ask. Let's just say even I never thought you could do that whilst still chained to a wall!"
"It worked! Kinda!"
"Oh yeah. It worked alright - I didn't even have to hit the guy. Never seen a man do that before. Still - I grabbed the keys while he was... ahh, otherwise engaged and we got out of there as fast as we could."
"Never mind about all this. We have to find the head priest and put a stop to what's going on here. Sounds to me as though there's less of Hephaestus' will at work here and more of his head priest's." Athene rubbed her forehead with a frown. "Then maybe, you and I get to go home."
"You're damn right about that. Told you my Hephie was innocent in all this! So what's the plan?"
All three started at Athene hopefully. "What? What are you all looking... oh I get it! Goddess of wisdom equals plan, right?" Three enthusiastic nods greeted her. "Great! Talk about pressure to perform!"
"Like you'd know... whereas Xena on the other hand knows all about that," Aphrodite commented whilst absently tickling the bard - Gabrielle squirmed and giggled madly. "Ooo - hey Xena! Looks like your bardie's pretty ticklish! So whaddaya gonna do?"
Xena focussed two extremely mesmerised eyes on the sight of the wriggling, panting, screaming bard who was rolling all over her bedroll with Aphrodite gleefully chasing after her. "Xena, hellllp... save me... ahhhhhhh!!!!" Aphrodite paused in mid tickle and flashed a mischievous look at the stricken warrior, who was finding herself unaccountably hypnotised by the regular contractions of the bard's abs.
"Zeus almighty, Xena! On a plate! What more do you want?" The goddess gestured meaningfully. Xena wished she knew what it meant.
"Okay, okay! Enough!" Aphrodite was seized and dumped aside, and Gabrielle was snatched into a soothing warrior hug. "Right, now let's focus on the job. The plan is, tomorrow Athene and I will go and have a talk with the head priest and see if we can't convince him to change his ways."
"Oh well if it's talk you want, then I should go..." began Gabrielle, only to be cut off by the protestations of the warrior, who steeled her shoulders ready for a big bard sulk.
"No, Gabrielle - it's too dangerous for you. Those guys want you as a sacrifice and I'd rather you stayed here - stayed! - to watch Aphrodite. They want her too. No arguments! Athene and I will be in, quick persuasive chat and out again. No problem."
"Well, bardie - you can stay here and keep me company. Don't worry about the warrior wolf, she's way big enough to take care of herself. No problemo. I mean, what could possibly go wro..."
"Don't even say it!"
Xena once more led her little band of warriors, bards and goddesses across the little town square, only this time each one was cleverly concealed in a guard's uniform, the former owners having suddenly decided that a long, deep sleep was in order. Luckily for them, Xena's fist seemed to be the perfect cure for any insomnia that might've been lurking around to disrupt their plans. Sneaking round the back, they quickly disposed of another few guards who inconveniently were relieving themselves against the sacred wall "Huh! Wait'll my Hephie finds out what you've been doing up against his temple wall!" and eventually found themselves in the temple and heading down the stairs into the cellar where Xena and Aphrodite had been held captive just the day before.
"This place is so dusty..." Aphrodite indignantly remarked as she ran a finger along a shelf, "...if this was one of my temples, the head dude would so not get any for the rest of his life!"
"I thought that was the whole idea of living a holy life?"
"Oh please! Love on demand is one of the perks of serving the Goddess of Love, Gabrielle. Why do you think I have to spend two weeks of each year personally screening my novitiates?"
"I thought it was to test the strength of their faith?"
"Ain't their faith I'm testing, babydoll..." smirked the goddess.
"Ssh! Be quiet!" Xena was slithering her way along the wall, as noiseless as a cat on the stalk. "I knew I should've left you behind - like I wanted!" She glared meaningfully at Gabrielle. She gave a sheepish smile in return.
"We'll be good Xena! I did promise, after all... and you know you're gonna need my help! You always do. Right?"
"No, left then straight on - quietly!"
They carefully made their way along the echoing, cold stone corridor and down another set of stairs before they found a set of rooms branching out to the left. Xena called a quiet halt, and the little band regrouped. Thumping footsteps ahead of them signalled more guards - Xena disappeared and after a couple of more definite sounding thumps later, she was back.
"Coast's clear - c'mon," she whispered. The bard opened her mouth and Xena covered it with her hand to stall any noise; the feel of Gabrielle's warm breath seeping through her fingers almost made her forget where she was for a while as she dropped into intense green eyes - only a slight cough from Athene and a hefty kick in the shins from Aphrodite nudged her reluctantly back to their present reality. With an inward sigh, she peeled her hand off moist, soft lips and waved them down the dim corridor.
"I recognise this from when we were brought in earlier," whispered Aphrodite.
"Good. At least one of us was conscious then," Xena shot back, earning a glower from Aphrodite and a surprised look from Gabrielle. "Don't look at me like that Gabrielle - I'm fine. I never told you because I knew you'd worry."
"Yeah, well I do worry about you Xena. That's what friends do."
"No need, no need. Everything... <wallop> is... just... <thump> fine! Here we go!"
She swept the unconscious guard aside, held her finger to her lips and gestured to the solid wooden door sunk deep into the wall. "One guard outside - question is, what or who was he guarding?"
"Gotta be worth a look, huh Xena?" agreed Athene cautiously.
"Just what I was thinking... cos I really want to have a word with this head priest."
"Me too! No-one takes my Hephie's name in vain like that head honcho dude."
"So lets just take it nice and easy because there's bound to be...."
Aphrodite nodded, grinned, kicked open the door and stormed inside the room.
"... traps set... oh hot damn Hades!!!" Xena dived into the room after the errant goddess, rolled into a tuck and grabbed her ankles, bringing the screaming woman to the ground, just as a flight of arrows sailed through where their chests would've been. Athene and Gabrielle had rolled right in after them - all four lay on the ground, gasping as they watched the heavy door slide back into place. There was no handle on the other side of it.
"Uh-oh," floated softly from Athene.
Aphrodite smiled sheepishly. "So this is what a temple looks like from this side. How fascinating... heh. Okay, okay! I'm sorry! How was I to know it would be booby trapped?"
***
"Well, well, well. Ladies. Or at least some of you are. How very nice of
you to drop in." A deep voice rumbled across the floor towards them; looking
up, they saw a finely wrought pair of leather boots, on the end of a pair of
thin legs expensively dressed in doeskin britches. "I really must commend
you on your timing. A head priest can always find uses for errant virgins."
"Especially when his reserve stocks are low?" Xena's sardonic voice rumbled back across the floor. She straightened cautiously, had a quick look around and then helped the rest of her party to their feet.
"That's it exactly. Such an honour to serve the Greater Good - and a greater god. I'm sure the pious amongst you would agree." The man flipped back his hood to reveal a wrinkled face, topped by a mane of straggly white hair.
Athene snorted as she looked him up and down. "Looks like you're doing pretty well from your piety. Nice boots. I hope Hephaestus appreciates all the good work you do for him."
"Of course he does. He's a god. What god doesn't want temples, and sacrifices? And as a mark of respect... his head priest to wear the finest robes."
"Live in the finest houses... eat the finest meals, drink the finest wines? Something you've been doing a lot of, judging from your belly," Xena said disdainfully as she approached the older man. He simply smiled at her, then moved his eyes towards Aphrodite and Gabrielle.
"Exactly," he said. "I serve Hephaestus well... why shouldn't I get some reward? After all, he does well out of me - virgin sacrifices twice a year." His eyes gleamed. "Looks like a double ceremony this year. Excellent. Double the taxes too."
"How convenient for you. Each sacrifice needs to be paid for, and where better than to raise the money from the poor believers?" He held up a hand when Xena drew too near. She stopped, alert for any movement from him, and scanned the room quickly. There was no other obvious exit, save the way they had come in.
"Faith doesn't come cheaply; nor does a god's favour. Still, two sacrifices is a bit of a bonus - the gods must be smiling down on me today."
"Don't count on it," muttered Athene.
"Two of you I can use - you, my big butch dear, and your leather clad friend are too... well, how shall I say it? Tainted... to be of use to the gods."
"That's where you're wrong." Gabrielle spoke up, pushing her way to Xena's side and ignoring the angry look she got from the warrior. "We're none of us virgins. I've been married, and Aph... she's - well, let's just say appearances can be deceptive." She waved in Aphrodite's direction; the goddess just shrugged and then gave a lascivious grin. The priest looked taken aback as the goddess turned some of her ardent personality onto him, but recovered eventually.
Just in time to be on the receiving end of an Aphrodite love bomb. His eyes bugged a little as he took in the writhing form of the mortal Goddess as she drew close to him. Then, everything went black for a few minutes, until he managed to drag himself away with a "pop" and much slurping.
"Nice one, Sis," approved Athene.
"I'd like to say it was my pleasure, but unfortunately, it wasn't," replied Aphrodite, cleaning her lips frantically with Gabrielle's handkerchief.
"Reprobate!" The Head Priest dismissed Aphrodite with a wave, and turned greedy eyes onto Gabrielle. "I know a virgin when I see one. Your friends here are obviously corrupt and incapable of controlling the base impulses of the flesh. But you, my dear... why, anyone could tell that you're pure of mind and body! You'll make an excellent sacrifice." He smiled, all pleased with himself, until he read one of the scrolls that was suddenly pushed into his hand. "By the Gods! What... what is this... filth??"
"One of my scrolls. I'm a bard, y'know!" Gabriele stated, proudly.
"You wrote this??? This... this is... these positions aren't humanely possible!"
Aphrodite peered over his shoulder. "Sure they are." She grabbed one and pored over it, with Athene and Xena on each side of her. "Say... great stuff Gabby! I'm impressed! What's this X on the bottom?"
"Uh... that's... that's an X... uhh... rating! It means... ahh... it's too raunchy for impressionable minds to read," the bard improvised wildly, earning an impressed smile from Xena, who could recognise her own handwriting and the explicit rendering of one of her many exploits with Borias anywhere.
The priest was still reeling from reading another of Xena's forays into fiction. In fact, he was doing more than reeling... he was also sweating profusely, and looking distinctly uncomfortable around certain parts of his body. "By the gods, girl! You're nothing better than one of those fallen women who work in the tavern up the road! May the gods save you from yourself, you poor, desolate child! And you look so innocent too."
"Oh, don't worry about her." Aphrodite smiled, rolled up the scroll and slipped it back into Gabrielle's ever-present shoulder bag. "I think she'll be fine with the gods for a while. You, on the other hand, should seriously start praying, you dried up old prune of a sorry excuse for a priest! I must have a word with my Hephie about his criteria for priest selection... I could soooo give him a few pointers."
"Fine!" The old priest spat out. "You're all useless to me! But I am not unleashing corruption of such levels onto the world. Bye bye ladies - send my regards to Hades. You're all going straight to Tartarus!" And with a cackle, and a burst of energy that took all of them completely by surprise, he ran off towards the back of the temple, and disappeared.
"Damn!" Xena was after him, but just got to the wall as it clanged shut behind him. There was a moment's silence, which was broken by a peculiar grinding noise from the other side of the wall.
"What was that?" Aphrodite's voice quavered.
"Oh holy Hera..." Athene was pale and her eyes huge. The floor started shaking, and then slowly, inexorably began to move upwards. All four of them looked up, to see the ceiling descending gracefully. "Well, girls... it's been fun being mortal and hanging around with y'all..."
"Likewise," said Xena, trying to hold up the ceiling. "Anyone any ideas?" They all stared hopefully at the former Goddess of Wisdom.
"Oh, holy crap! I wish you wouldn't do that!" she wailed in reply.
***
"I feel like Atlas." Athene's head almost touched the ceiling, and
she strained to push the roof away. "Xena - any luck with the lever?"
Xena was frantically groping along the wall, searching for the hidden lever which could activate the secret door and get them all out. So far, she hadn't found it, as their increasingly bent bodies testified. "No, it's really well hidden. Maybe it's not a lever... maybe it's a combination or something..."
"We don't have much time, Xena," warned Gabrielle. "Can you see where the mechanism is?"
"No, it's outside Gabrielle. Otherwise I'd use my chakram." The bard ran over to where the warrior was tapping and knocking against the wall; again, to no avail. "If only we could slow this down..."
Gabrielle passed her a handful of scrolls. "Use these to wedge the ceiling wherever you can - I'll do the same with the floor."
"But Gabrielle - these are your scrolls!"
"Xena, I can't reach the ceiling. Just do it." They both managed to loosen a few bricks and find some gaps. The scrolls were wedged into place against the floor and ceiling. Much to everyone's relief, with a creak and a crunch, the floor and roof stopped moving as the scrolls blocked their progress. "Right - we need to find a way out of this place," Gabrielle continued, hunting along the wall. "These scrolls won't hold for long."
"Say, bardie... I like it when you take control!" Aphrodite gravitated towards the little blonde. "You're so masterful - don't you think, Xena?"
Xena nodded. "Gabrielle... your scrolls. I'm..."
"Oh, don't sweat it, Xena." The bard grinned. "They were the ones you wrote. I knew they'd come in handy for something..."
"You used my scrolls?"
"It was a life or death situation Xena! Are you gonna give me a hand?" With a warning glare, Gabrielle waved Xena towards the wall; moments later, she was joined by all three women as they brushed along the wall.
"Nothing... not a loose brick, or a handle, or a bump or anything..." Xena stopped, and dusted her hands off. "How in Zeus name did he get out?"
"How in Dad's name are we gonna get out?" Aphrodite moaned. "I'm getting hungry again, and I need to... well, do things that a Goddess of Love doesn't normally discuss." She rubbed her bladder, and groaned.
"You know, we could really use some divine intervention right about now," Gabrielle stated. "Don't you two have any influence left on Olympus?"
"My Hephie still loves me."
"He sure hasn't been showing it much," Gabrielle retorted.
"Hephaestus... Hephaestus... that's it! Iron!" Xena turned from the wall, and bolted as best she could - crouched and uncomfortable as she was - over to the wrought iron chair the priest had been sitting in. "He didn't activate the door from the wall - he did it from here." She examined the chair, and then with a smile, pushed one of the arms down slightly. Nothing happened. With her smile still in place, she pushed again. Still nothing happened. "Damn! Why won't it work?"
"Why's it got a big V carved on it?" enquired Gabrielle.
"Ahh..." Athene chipped in. "I think I've got it. You're not going to like this," she warned, as she sat down on the now arrested floor. They all followed. "Think about it - what was that guy obsessed about?"
"Apart from himself, you mean?" Aphrodite said, and then grinned. "Easy. Sex! And not surprising, since he'd never even gotten anywhere near first base..."
"Exactly. Virginity - he seems to have an unhealthy obsession with virgins. And being one himself..." She waggled her eyebrows expressively at the chair.
Light bulbs went on all around the little room as understanding dawned. Closely followed by worry, as they all looked at each other.
"We're never getting out of here!" wailed Gabrielle.
"Gabrielle, calm down." Xena folded the upset bard in her arms. "Athene?"
"Pff! Don't look at me, Xena. Lost that honour about 3,000 years ago I'm afraid. To a rather nice..."
"Aphrodite... no, forget I even asked."
Xena rocked the bard, who sniffled and said in the most despondent tone she could, "I'm only a virgin once removed." Gabrielle blushed to the roots of her hair. "Think that'd work?" Xena smiled at her, brushed damp blonde hair out of green eyes and tried to reassure the girl.
"Oh gods! How are we gonna get out of here???? HEPHIE!!! You just better show your sorry everlovin' butt here, you no-good lump of muscle! See the trouble you've gotten us into!" The former Goddess of Love stamped her foot as best she could.
Athene smiled wryly, and added her voice. "Yes, Hephie. Where were you when we needed you? Sorry excuse for a brother."
"Now, careful..." cautioned Xena. "We don't want... oh, crap!"
There was a shower of sparks, and the sound of metal striking metal, and there he stood; the dumpiest, stockiest, grimiest and sweatiest man that Xena and Gabrielle had ever seen. And ugly... Dressed in a tatty old leather jerkin with holes burned into it, dust sticking to his sweaty face and a still glowing poker grasped in one hand, he looked around him in bemusement, until his eyes lighted on Aphrodite. Immediately, his face softened and a delighted grin spread over it. "There you are, hunneybun! Where ya been? I finished making those special manacles..."
"Enough with the manacles, babe!" Aphrodite shushed him quickly, and even blushed slightly. "Now, listen, ya big bad hunk o'love. We need a favour."
"Hon, I'm not sure I should be helping you out. Zeus was pretty clear on the subject. No direct interference for you or Athene. Sorry, sis." He nodded in Athene's direction; she smiled and nodded back.
"Never mind about that. Technically, it'd be helping Gabrielle out. We need you to relax the rule about virgins." Aphrodite grinned suggestively, and swished her body around a little for good measure. The bard gulped, and smiled hesitantly.
"No way, babe!" Hephaestus' eyebrows beetled. "No fair... I NEED the virgin thing."
"Listen, studmuffin. Let me make this clear. No virgin thing relaxation... no Aphie and Hephie... no ‘let's play hunt the hammer', no trying out the new manacles... no NOTHING! Get it?"
The poor god reeled back, obviously stunned at the threatened withdrawing of wifely favours. "You wouldn't? You... you COULDN'T! I know you... no way could you last five minutes without..."
"Don't count on it, iron head. Now - about the virgin thing. Little bardie here is a virgin once removed. I KNOW that will be ENOUGH to move this little lever thingy so we can get out of here... correct?" Hephaestus just wailed. "Babe, we're not asking for your direct intervention. Dad won't have a cow." He wailed again. Aphrodite sighed, and pulled out her secret weapon; another of the Xena scrolls from Gabrielle's bag. "If you do this... then I'll do this..."
Hephaestus' face turned puce, and he looked first at Gabrielle, and then at Aphrodite in wonder. "You wrote this? And you want me to pretend you're still a virgin?" Gabrielle blushed, and shook her head vigorously. They all pointed at Xena, who beamed shamelessly.
"Xena. Figures. Okay, babe - you got a deal. I'll hold you to this. Better get working on a stronger bed right away... later, hunneybun." He brandished the scroll, blew a kiss and disappeared, a strange gleam in his eye. There was the faintest trace of "Woo hoo!" left hanging in the air after he'd gone.
Moments later, after a very giggly bard had tugged and pushed on the chair handle, all four stood rubbing their eyes in the sunlight and fresh air.
"Well done Aphrodite and Gabrielle." Xena congratulated them as they rushed across the square. "Now - time to catch us a priest..."
"Can't believe how easy that was," Gabrielle said, as they watched the Priest being clapped in irons and hauled away by the town militia.
"Greedy people make mistakes," smiled Athene. "There's nothing worse than a greedy zealot. They start to believe they're invincible, so they make stupid mistakes."
"Thank Us for greedy, foolish, mistake-making zealots!" added Aphrodite.
"Even so, to burn down an entire hayloft, then have the cheek to try and claim a tax raise AND demand more virgins to sacrifice! And blaming Hephaestus too. You'd think he'd have taken the hint, and scarpered while he had the chance." Gabrielle waved goodbye as the Priest was dragged into the town cells. She giggled as his face turned puce; Aphrodite was wiggling and blowing kisses at him, and he was screaming obscenities in their direction. "Nice talk, for a holy man!"
Aphrodite snorted. "Sweetcheeks, he's about as holy as a horse's ass. I'm gonna insist on being involved in Hephie's High Priest selection process from now on. Head dudes are like way too important to leave to chance." They turned, and slowly started to make their way out of the bustling little village and back towards their campsite.
"Wonder where he stashed his cash?" mused Athene. "‘Cos those taxes sure as Uncle Hades didn't go into municipal works, or community projects. Or even into Hephaestus' temple."
"You're damn straight there, little Sis. I suspect a lot went into those fine moleskin tunics, and those lovely leather boots. My guess is those other priest dudes will search the temple from top to bottom."
Athene laughed. "Good job distracting him, Sis. I always knew your particular skills'd come in useful!"
Aphrodite preened, and blushed a little. "Aw, thanks. You didn't do too bad yourself, sweetcheeks. I didn't think he'd turn so nasty. I mean, who knew he only had one..." A discrete cough from Xena interrupted her. "Ah, sorry... anyhoo - nice work with the right hook, Sis. You saved my ass."
"You're welcome." Athene rubbed her knuckles ruefully. The two sisters shyly held out their hands, and clasped forearms.
Xena finished cleaning her sword; she flipped it back into its sheath with a practised air, and remarked, "So you two finally learned to work together and appreciate each other?"
"I guess..."
"Wasn't that what Zeus wanted? So how come you haven't shimmered, and gone godly again?"
"Whoa! Good point, warrior babe!" Aphrodite hollered up to the heavens, "Like... HELLO DAD??? JOB DONE!!!" Silence greeted them. "Oh, majorly bummed! Is Dad gonna welch on a deal?"
"I'm sure he'll get round to us eventually. Unless there's something else he wants us to do first?" They both turned eager faces to Xena.
"Forget it. You are not hanging round with us. You two are more trouble than you're worth." Aphrodite opened her mouth to insist. Xena stalled her as quick as she could. "Besides, I thought you hated being mortal?"
"Ah, maybe it's not as bad as I first thought. I mean, I still haven't got the hang of basic haircare, but that's only because I like to brush and groom as part of my beauty regime." Aphrodite looked pointedly at Xena and Gabrielle's crowning glories. "Braids are like soooo last week!"
"I'm thinking of having mine cut," said Gabrielle. At Xena's astounded glare, she hastily added, "Maybe not..."
"No, this whole being mortal rap has been kinda fun. I mean, who knew that you guys had to choose clothes for practicality? And as for the whole pain, hunger, exhaustion and terror thing... well, I can still feel my heart pumping a mile a minute!" The ageless Goddess of Love shone with excitement.
"Yes, it's been fun," agreed her sister. "Although whacking someone with a right hook does feel different when you break a few of the bones in your hand. Who knew that miser had a stonewall for a face? And I must admit, I have loved the feeling of having to rely purely on my own strength and cunning. You know, I think I might keep my godly powers just for special occasions, once I get them back."
Aphrodite nodded. "Amazing what you can accomplish when you work at it, and not rely on divine intervention."
"Isn't it?" Xena remarked drily.
The goddesses turned to each other, a pleased expression on their faces. They high-fived each other. "Huh. Maybe you might learn to appreciate us one day, Xena?" Both sisters grinned at the warrior's expression. "Stranger things have happened."
And with that, they were gone.
And then they came back again.
"Sorry," said Aphrodite. "We forgot to say goodbye." She turned, as Athene whispered into her ear; both goddesses giggled and nodded. "Just a little thank you, to both of you." Aphrodite wiggled her fingers at them.
"Be good now," waved Athene.
Then, they really were gone.
Xena and Gabrielle stared at each other and smiled. "You know, I think I might even miss them a little," remarked Gabrielle.
"Are you crazy? It'll be nice to get back to normal. C'mon, let's set up camp for the night."
*****
They both settled back into their familiar routines. Once the camp was set, Gabrielle plopped her shoulder bag down and perched on the corner of Xena's blanket. "Xena, I found another one of your scrolls in my bag, right at the bottom. I thought we'd used them all in the temple. When did you have time to write them all?"
Xena shrugged, eyeing the scroll dubiously.
"Never mind," continued Gabrielle as she waved the thing around. "Because what I really want to know is, why am I in this one??"
"Ah, Gabrielle..." Xena uncharacteristically stuttered.
"Xena, I've read this scroll..." Gabrielle hefted it in Xena's direction; both were startled when a tiny little leather pouch flew out and landed on the ground in between them. "What's that?" She knelt down, and picked up the bag, opened it and sniffed cautiously. "Is this...?"
Xena took it, dipped her finger in and tasted it. The familiar aphrodisiac spices exploded on her tongue. One of Aphrodite's best love spells? "Whew! Yeah, it is. I thought you used all this?"
"I thought I had too!" Gabrielle's eyes were saucers in her face. Realisation dawned, and Xena started to smile.
"It's a gift from the gods, Gabrielle."
They both stared at each other in silence for a few moments.
"I'll get the stew on!"
The End....
Return to Dreamcatching | What's New?