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"What are you putting in that?" Xena eyed the gurgling cooking pot dubiously. Out of the corner of her eye, she'd caught Gabrielle surreptitiously fumbling powder out of a tiny pouch and scattering it over the pot.
Gabrielle started guiltily. "Just some seasoning," she replied innocently, slapping a suspiciously angelic smile onto her face.
"What's wrong with salt and pepper?" Xena narrowed her eyes dubiously "That didn't look like salt and pepper to me." She sniffed loudly. "And it smells funny too - what have you put in there?"
Gabrielle's smile grew wider as she stirred the pot vigorously until all traces of the terracotta powder had dissolved, giving a reddish tinge to the thick mixture of chunky vegetables and cubed meat. Seeing Xena's scepticism, she sighed. "Don't start on me... it's only a little seasoning. I'm tired of eating boring, tasteless stews so I'm giving it a bit of... bite."
Xena snapped thick thread between sturdy white teeth; she was mending a split seam on one of her bracers. "Yeah, well.. just make sure it isn't spicy. I hate spicy food." She pulled a face in reply to Gabrielle's exasperated expression. "You want to spend the night with me after a plateful of spicy food?"
"Good point," Gabrielle conceded reluctantly, eying the spitting stew. Oh well, too late now. She'd sprinkled a good handful of the spices - the shopkeeper who'd sold them to her had instructed her to use them sparingly. ‘It's hot stuff,' she'd said, winking knowingly at Gabrielle. ‘It'll get the juices flowing, young woman!' Odd thing to say, Gabrielle had thought at the time as she'd been followed out of the herb-strung hut by the old woman's cackling laughter. She gave the mixture a final, brisk stir, dropped the spoon and sat next to Xena. Pulling out her latest scroll, she chewed on her lip as she tried to pick up the story she'd started the night before.
Xena slipped the bracer experimentally up and down her arm - yep, looks strong enough; that should do for a while. Living the kind of life she did sure was tough on clothes; she was forever having to repair her own and Gabrielle's gear. How on earth had a village girl like Gabrielle never learned to sew? Gabrielle was useless with a needle and thread; she could barely sew up a wound, never mind the intricate needlework required to stitch a seam. Hands like a sailor. Still, at least she could cook - well, most of the time, Xena thought sourly, eyeing the pot again.
Gabrielle had been staring into space, lips moving absently, when she'd spotted Xena peering into the pot. She threw down the scroll and waggled her quill. "What now? Are you still going on about the food? You don't have to eat it, you know!"
"You mean it's edible?" muttered Xena into the pot. "That'll make a change."
Raising herself to her knees, Gabrielle pointed her quill threateningly. "What did you say?" Xena gave her an innocent ‘what-me?' stare. "You'd better not be criticising my cooking Xena! You know, I don't have to do all the cooking, and cleaning, and making the beds... and the hundreds of other things I do around here for us every day while... while you just eat and... and sleep, and... y'know... fight!"
"Hey! I rescue your butt nearly every day!"
"I do not need rescuing by you! Not every day. Now, do you mind? I'm trying to get in touch with my muse here and you're not helping." She closed her eyes and picked up her quill again.
Xena sighed in exasperation. Bored, she paced up and down, moved their blankets away from the fire, rebuilt the fire and piled a small stack of wood ready for the morning. Finished, she flopped next to Gabrielle and peered over her shoulder, trying to look at what she'd written.
The girl flung the scroll down with an oath. "Gods Xena - will you just sit down! You're putting me off!"
The warrior turned a sheepish face to the bard. "Read me one of your scrolls?"
"You want to hear one of my scrolls?" Gabrielle was incredulous; Xena never showed much interest in her scrolls, unless in a purely (and disgustingly) functional way. Never be able to finish that story about Troy now. "Are you feeling alright?" The hand that went up to Xena's forehead was promptly batted away. "Look, if you're bored have a go yourself! Here..." She fished out a scroll and handed it over. "Write a story."
Xena's mouth dropped in horrified surprise. "Are you crazy? I don't do stories - that's your speciality!"
Gabrielle was already scribbling again. Pausing, she put her spare quill in Xena's hand. "Try. You might like it." She flashed her a brief smile, then bent her head again.
***
A blanket of silence covered the two women as each concentrated. Gabrielle was
working on her newest story; Hercules' rescue of the Golden Fleece, as told
in lurid detail by Iolaus the last time they'd met. It was the first time she'd
written a non-Xena story and frankly, she was finding it hard going. It was
all a bit...sensational. She suspected Iolaus might have elaborated a bit -
I mean, whoever heard of an army of fighting skeletons, for Zeus sake? Well,
apart from dryads of course; she'd seen them herself. And as for the gorgeous
blonde who'd apparently kept throwing herself at Iolaus - Hercules certainly
hadn't mentioned her! It made her feel a little uncomfortable... I'm not used
to writing stuff like this. Maybe I should just stick to our stories, she thought,
staring at her scrawl. First rule of the Bard's Academy - write what you know!
She glanced at Xena; she was chewing her quill into a soggy mess as she stared, deep in thought, at the sentences she'd scribbled. Her eyes sparkled as she smiled wickedly and bent her head over the parchment. Gabrielle frowned as she leant over to read what was written. Just my luck she'll turn out to be better at this than me too, she thought wryly. She changed her mind quickly as she read the passage - Gods, it was even more lurid than Iolaus had been. Ugh, and graphic descriptions of blood, fighting and... sex? Hey, wait a minute... "Xena, don't you write that about me! That was your idea, not mine and we never..."
Xena twirled her quill airily. "Gabrielle please, I'm talking to my muse here - don't disturb me when I'm in full flow!"
Gabrielle snatched the scroll; her eyes grew wider as she read. "Hey! Who are all these men and... oh no! No way Xena!" She blushed to her toes, vivid red
"What?" All innocence, Xena tried to grab the scroll but Gabrielle was up and away before she could grab it out of her hand.
"Poetic license is one thing but this... this is pure fantasy! Or horror, more like..."
"It's not that bad!"
"Those bits with me and Joxer? How could you? And as for the rest - those sex scenes - I never knew you had such a vivid imagination!"
"Who said anything about imagination?" replied Xena archly, and snatched the scroll back from the open-mouthed Gabrielle.
A high pitched whine cut through intended Gabrielle's retort.
"Oh, that is so not fair!" The intruding voice tailed off to a murmur and was joined by another, lower voice. Both turned - Gabrielle half reluctantly - towards the rapidly approaching clamour which was obviously two women arguing loudly.
"Ooh, strangers... better go check!" Xena grabbed her scroll and was gone in a relieved instant, leaving Gabrielle tapping her foot in exasperated irritation. She sighed loudly and followed.
***
Xena strode up to the top of the hill at whose base they were camped, leaned
over the brow and peered down at the road. She was joined moments later by Gabrielle;
she chopped a hand for silence as Gabrielle opened her mouth and gestured down
to the roadside where two tousled heads bobbed frantically as their owners'
argued. Voices shot up, piercing the silence shrouding Xena and Gabrielle.
"Oh dear Zeus! Why have you brought this plague upon me? Nothing I have done could ever have been so bad that you subject me to this!"
"Plague? Oh nice talk! I don't know what you're so bummed about - hanging around with you is so like seriously ruining my street cred!"
"Street cred? What's that?"
Xena groaned as she listened to the continued bickering. "It's late and I'm tired and hungry. If these two don't shut up or go away we'll never get any sleep and you know what I'm like if I don't get my eight hours."
Gabrielle flicked her a sidelong glance. "Mmm..." she replied, "I'm the one who has to look at you first thing in the morning."
Xena threw her a dignified look and carried on; "I'm going down there - meet you on the road." Gabrielle nodded and proceeded to clamber down the hillside. Xena took another peek over; sighing again, she dropped over the edge and landed with a thud behind the women.
"Ladies, please! Do you have any idea how far sound carries on a still night like this? Some of us are trying to... Aphrodite?"
"Xena?" Aphrodite's towering hair wobbled dangerously as she whirled around. "Oh great! Could this day get any worse?"
"Aphrodite? What are you doing here? Whoa - what's happened to you? You look..." Gabrielle struggled for the right politely descriptive term, but wisely gave up. Her hands waved wildly as words just trickled away - she'd never seen the Goddess of Love look so dishevelled and, well - plain dirty.
Aphrodite's face fell. "Oh, this so... sucks! I hate this being mortal rap! My feet hurt, my best dress is ripped and I've got this really weird feeling in my stomach."
"I think that's hunger - I've got it too." The woman she'd been arguing with finally broke her silence. "So you're Xena? Nice to finally meet you. I've been following your career - both of you - for a while now. You know, you're quite a role model for young girls these days. Brains as well as beauty and brawn. It's a good combination." She finished proudly, "I gave you the brains."
Xena stared curiously at the woman. "Well, ah... thank you." She was tall and slim, with a short mane of thick chestnut hair which matched the colour of her leather armour.
Aphrodite snorted petulantly. "Oh please, could you crawl any more? Okay Xena, here's the deal - me and my brainiac sister here have been wandering around all day and we're lost and hungry... and it's getting dark and cold and something back there barked at me and... hello! Goddess of Misery here!" With slumped shoulders and desperate face, she painted a picture of true despair.
Gabrielle, awe-struck at seeing the Goddess of Love - one of the most beautiful women she'd ever seen - grubby and dishevelled, took pity on her. With a warning sideways glare at Xena, she patted Aphrodite's shoulder and reassured; "Why don't you come back with us? Our camp's just back there... we've got a fire and dinner should be just about ready." Alternately patting and cajoling, she steered the whimpering Aphrodite along the road and up the hill. Xena groaned, gestured to the other woman and stomped after them.
***
Aphrodite had moaned so much about everything that it had severely tried Xena's
patience. The fire was too smoky, the blanket not thick enough and the water
not sweet enough. In the end, and after Xena had lost her temper, Gabrielle
had dug out her only comb and had given it to the Goddess in an attempt to pacify
her and - more importantly - to shut her up. Aphrodite now sat by the crackling
fire, painfully dragging the comb through her tangled locks. And all the while,
blaming Athene for the whole situation.
For Athene she was; the Goddess of Wisdom. And unlike her sister, she seemed to be willing to make the best of a bad job.
"Wow! Can't believe I'm here with the Goddess of Wisdom! This is so great!" Gabrielle's eyes were shining.
"Yeah, a real buzz," interrupted Aphrodite drily.
Athene screwed up her face. "Jealous are we? Just because your "love vibes" aren't doing it for her? Am I the only one who finds her speech patterns odd?" Gabrielle and Xena considered for a moment, then nodded their agreement. Aphrodite threw down the comb and sulked for a moment; she then picked it up and continued tugging at her hair and mumbling to herself.
Xena smiled wryly at Gabrielle and then turned her attention back to Athene. More sense to be gotten out of her, by the looks of things. "So what did you do to Zeus to upset him so much?"
The Goddess scowled up at the sky, then sighed softly. "Oh, nothing in particular. Just general stuff but you know what he's like. Or maybe you don't..."
"Oh no - no, we know. Mortals are usually on the receiving end of his moods."
Athene nodded. "Yeah, well I'm beginning to know how that feels. I mean, he makes me mortal and saddles me with tall, pink and useless over there. I never knew Dad could be so petty and cruel."
Xena nodded her agreement. "Just your typical God, really. Come to think of it, how typical a God are you? I haven't heard much about you. Gabrielle?"
Gabrielle had popped another couple of chopped up turnips into the stew, and was now busy stirring it. She wiped her hands clean and smiled. "I've heard a few tales. The bards say that Athene's favourite form is a tall, dark haired woman - so obviously they're right about that - who is both wise and yet fierce too. Apparently your skill with a needle and thread is legendary..."
"I have many skills," Athene quipped lightly, grinning at Xena.
"... very funny... your feud with Poseidon over Athens is widely told in the bards' tales, and of course you were involved with Perseus and Medusa."
Athene smiled fondly. "Oh, he was a nice guy and so brave. I liked him. I even lent him my shield - it's the shield of justice, you know - and that's how he was able to defeat Medusa. Yeah, he was nice."
"Perseus? I remember him - I put a rockin' love spell on him. One of my best ever! Andromeda sure was a lucky girl, if you catch my drift!" Aphrodite winked at Gabrielle, then laughed at the girl's bemused expression and added; "No, you probably don't. Did bardie read the story you were writing, Xena?"
Gabrielle tutted as Aphrodite's laughter pealed through the tranquil evening; she turned away and continued talking. "It's been said that you also gave fire to Prometheus. Is that true?"
"Yes, people needed it. Times were tougher back then."
"Yeah, Pop was really pissed about that. Blew your sweet reputation big style then, didn't you honey?"
"And if I hadn't, you wouldn't be toasting your big fat butt now. Do I really have to spend the rest of my mortal life with you trailing around after me like some sort of awful pink shadow?"
Xena cut in quickly before another shouting match could develop. "Okay, calm down... so obviously Zeus has made you both mortal. Why?"
Aphrodite sighed deeply. "We were having a little argument over whose children were the cutest - obviously my little Cupid was a clear winner but Hera was so not having it... since her little jealousy spell never worked she's really had it in for him."
Xena screwed up her face in mystification. "Hera? What's Hera got to do with this?"
Athene broke in and took the story up. "It was Hera's idea for the beautiful baby competition, and she wanted Zeus to be judge but of course that meant choosing one grandchild over all the others so he wouldn't do it."
"I'm none the wiser..." Xena warned.
"Well, Aphrodite and I got into a huge row about who should judge - I said Hercules but that only made Hera mad and she's hated me ever since that whole Trojan war thing, so she got involved... well, you can imagine how bad things got after that. Let's just say that someone upended Dad's breakfast ambrosia all over the table and after that..."
"... he decided to teach us a lesson, made us both mortal and threw us down here this morning. Which is so unfair because it was all your fault!"
"You're the one who threw his breakfast in his lap!"
"Only because you were being all Daddy's little girlie - I had to get his attention somehow!"
"Oh, you've always been jealous of me, just because I'm younger and sprang fully formed out of Dad's head."
"Jealous? That is so not true - I'm totally without a jealous bone in my entire body. I'm the most consistently non-jealous person on Olympus!"
Sighing deeply, Gabrielle banged the spoon on the side of the cooking pot to break through their row. "Food's up! Eat it now while it's hot, or you can wear it - seems to be the done thing on Olympus." She passed round small amounts of the stew in bowls. Seeing Xena's face, she whispered in explanation; "I had to make it stretch another two bowls - I wasn't expecting company. Here, grab the rest of the bread from the saddlebag and we'll pad it out with that. We'll be in Porthos tomorrow - there's bound to be a bakery there."
Accepting her bowl with a grateful smile, Athene finished off the story. "Thanks both of you - I know you don't have to do this and we're both very grateful. Anyway, Zeus has said that he'll turn us back into Gods when we can learn to appreciate each other and get along." She sighed deeply. "We could be down here a while."
Xena snorted as she spooned a huge dollop of stew into her mouth, then almost inhaled it as the spices nibbled her tongue. "Whoa, Gabrielle! I warned you about those spices!" She spat out a chunk of turnip, grabbed frantically for the water skin and sprayed it into her mouth.
"Gods Xena, what's wrong with you? It's not a bit hot!" Gabrielle's
spoon clattered to the floor. Honestly, Xena could be so theatrical sometimes.
She turned to Aphrodite in astonishment as the Goddess of Love's loud laughter
pealed across the silent little clearing.
"What?"
"Oh sweetcheeks! You're priceless!" Her cheeks dimpled as she fought to regain her composure, warned by the scowl spreading across Xena's face. "If I didn't know you better, I swear you'd done it on purpose!"
Gabrielle's face grew even more confused. "What?"
"Sweetie, the powder you've put into your stew. It's an aphrodisiac!"
Xena closed her eyes, a premonition of doom settling over her. She couldn't believe her innocent little bard had actually dosed them up with a powerful aphrodisiac. She sniffed the stew gingerly - phew, yeah! Powerful all right! Gabrielle, what in Hades name am I going to do with you? She sneaked a peek at the bard; her eyes were grown huge in her face as Aphrodite giggled a graphic description in her ear. She glanced in Xena's direction, then closed her eyes desperately as her hand fluttered to her mouth.
"Gods Xena! I'm... I'm so sorry! How much did... you didn't eat much, did you?" Her eyes shot open as she looked into her own extremely empty bowl. "Oh Gods! Oh Gods! Aphrodite, how powerful is this stuff? Sure, it won't really..." She tried a weak grin, and failed.
"Sweetie, it's hot stuff. It'll get you bumpin' and grindin' all night." The Goddess made a gesture with her hands; realisation dawned on Gabrielle and she flushed crimson to the roots of her hair. "Only one problem, I guess. Never a man around when you need one. Any ideas Xena? You're little bardie's gonna be getting pretty hot and bothered soon." She chortled loudly. "It's gonna be one Hades of a night!"
Xena growled as once again the little party ground to a halt on the road. It was mid morning already. She'd woken with the first weak beams of the autumn sun, followed by Athene not long after. They'd tidied up the camp, buried the remainder of last night's stew so it couldn't do any more harm, collected more wood, caught and cooked breakfast, all accompanied by the melodious sound of Gabrielle's soft snuffling and Aphrodite's roaring snoring. Once finished, Xena had hunkered down next to Gabrielle; the poor girl's face still looked flushed and she had a definite... expression... on her young features. Xena tucked a stray lock of golden hair behind an ear and smiled gently as she remembered her friend talking in her sleep. The bard had fought her own libido all night - and had been quite vociferous about it too. Damn sight more self control than I would've had, under the circumstances, mused Xena, staring thoughtfully down at her hand, which lay absently on the bard's chest. It was quite sweet, really, listening to her. Glancing up, she'd caught Athene's smile and returned it.
Then the fun had begun. She thought Gabrielle was difficult to peel out of her sleeping blankets but she was sweetness itself compared to the performance that was Aphrodite first thing in the morning. Xena shuddered at the memory. Too awful to contemplate.
"Come on! I don't want to be here all day!" she snapped at Aphrodite, who was fumbling with her feet. Noticing the goddess' pained expression, she relented and grudgingly asked "What's the matter?"
"It's my shoes." Aphrodite gestured to the pink, strappy sandals with the thinnest, highest heels that Xena had ever seen. "Oh, my poor feet! How much further is this village?"
Xena hopped off Argo, lifted Aphrodite's small, perfectly lovely foot and removed her sandal. "Humph! Not very practical." She held the shoe gingerly between her thumb and forefinger, whipped out her sword and chopped off the heel. Aphrodite screamed loudly.
"Not my shoe! They're one of a kind! Do you have any idea how expensive they were? I had to trade two of my best love spells to get them!" she wailed.
"Do you have any idea how big your blisters'll be by tonight if you keep staggering around on those things all day?" answered Gabrielle drily, wearily rubbing her hand across her eyes. The bard had deep, dark circles underneath her eyes.
"Blisters?" Aphrodite stared blankly at her.
"Do you have any idea how annoyed I'm getting?" cut in Xena icily, chopping off the other heel. "Put these on and get moving. I really don't want to be on this road all day." A giggling Athene moved past her sister to pick up Argo's reigns and fell into step beside a marching Xena. Gabrielle took the devastated Aphrodite's arm and gently tugged her to her feet; she was staring disconsolately at her amputated heels lying on the ground like useless, tiny limbs.
***
Much to Xena's relief, they made good time and entered the village by late afternoon.
Gabrielle had written down their purchases onto some parchment; she passed half
to Xena and tipped out a small handful of coins into the warrior's palm. "Aphrodite
and I will see about getting us some rooms. You two go and get the stuff on
the list. Meet you at the "Three Horseshoes" tavern in an hour. Oh
and Xena - stay out of trouble, okay?" The bard trotted off, one arm clamped
to the limping Aphrodite. Xena grinned to herself, tossed the parchment to Athene
and headed off towards what looked like a hardware-cum-general store.
***
"Okay, what else?"
"More scrolls, she says."
Xena sighed, heavily. "She's not gonna let that go, is she? Okay, so I used her scrolls... she's just pissed that my stories are better than hers... heh... if ya know what I mean!" She winked. "Between you and me, Gabrielle just hasn't got a clue about these things! Kinda cute..."
"Gabrielle hasn't a clue? If you say so, Xena."
"Yeah. She hasn't seen as much of the world as me. Not as experienced. What's next?"
Athene stared at the warrior for a long moment, then squinted at the paper, struggling to decipher the cramped handwriting. Not Gabrielle's neatest work, but the girl's hands had been shaking all morning. "A bar of soap, and some oil. And it looks like... what is that?" She pointed to a patch on the scroll where Gabrielle's thumb had smudged the ink.
Xena peered at it for a moment. "Hmm. Looks like bucket. What would we need a bucket for?"
"Keep your water in?"
"No, we've got water skins for that," Xena replied seriously, then caught the gleam in the goddess' eye. "Didn't know the Goddess of Wisdom had a sense of humour."
"There's a lot you don't know about me, Xena. And for your information, I do have a sense of humour. Have to, living with my fellow Olympians. And it's not bucket, it's blanket."
"Oh... well, makes sense. It was cold last night. How much?" she asked the shopkeeper.
"Thirty dinars."
"Are you kidding?" She eyed the small pile of assorted goods with one eyebrow haughtily raised.
"Thirty dinars, take it or leave it." The squat little man shifted his weight, settling his plump fists onto his hips. He licked his lips eagerly, scenting easy money.
"Do I look like I was born yesterday? This stuff's not worth that much. I'll give you five."
"Now who's kidding?" The little man began gathering up the bits and pieces.
Xena's eyes narrowed; the chubby little man obviously had some sort of death wish. No, Xena - you can't kill him. You have to haggle. "Gods, I wish Gabrielle was here. She always deals with the shopping and the haggling," she sighed into Athene's ear.
The goddess hid her amazed smile. Imagine the great Warrior Princess bested by a chubby, grubby little shopkeeper. Wait'll I tell Ares! She patted her arm reassuringly as she said loudly, "Leave this to me Xena," satisfied to see the man's eyes widen in recognition of the name. "You just take our stuff and go take a look at those incredibly sharp knives over there. I'll call you if I need you..." She pushed the stuttering warrior away. "You'll have to excuse my travelling companion. She's still a little on edge after trashing fifteen huge bandits on the way here. Single handed. You know what warriors are like - moody things. You should meet my brother! Now, about those thirty dinars..."
***
With their purchases tucked under their arms, they pushed their way into the
busy little tavern and made their way over to the table where a solitary Gabrielle
jostled for elbow room with two grinning drunks. The little bard heaved a huge
sigh of relief when she saw Xena push her way through the crowd and cough pointedly
into one of the drunk's ears. Confronted by two armed women wearing leather,
the two men gave Gabrielle a final squeeze and weaved away. "Thank the
Gods you showed up when you did. I've been poked and prodded in places I didn't
even know I had!"
Athene grinned widely as the girl rubbed herself ruefully. "Why are you on your own? Where's ‘Dite?"
The bard drained her cup gustily. "Having a bath. Xena, are you going to the bar? I'll have another cider."
"I dunno Gabrielle. A bath sounds pretty good right about now."
"Xena, what is it with you and baths? I've got us a room and a bath for later. So how about that drink? Hey, and if they've got any stew going - send it my way!"
Xena's eyes shot to the heavens. The bard was back on top form, obviously. "Gabrielle, you anticipate my every need. All I have to do is feed you... here, chew on this till I get back." She held a carrot out at bard breast level, then pushed her way to the bar.
Athene watched her go as she slid onto the bench opposite Gabrielle. "Amazing how a path just clears for her, isn't it?" she observed in wonder. Xena was getting served at the bar, no problem - much to the chagrin of several people who'd been waving their dinars for the last ten minutes.
Gabrielle chuckled around a mouthful of vegetable. "You should see what she does to get us a table! So, how are you doing today?"
"Me? Oh, I'm fine. I seem to be coping with my mortality better than ‘Dite. She always was a bit highly strung. Thanks..." she added as Xena placed a mug of port in front of her. She took a deep draught, then spluttered as the liquid trailed fire into her stomach. "By the Gods! How do you mortals drink this stuff?" she gasped. Gabrielle dashed off to fetch the spluttering goddess some water, while Xena banged her on the back comfortingly.
"Uh... Xena. That's not really helping," pointed out Gabrielle as Athene was sent crashing into the table edge yet again.
Wheezing and coughing, Athene managed to steady herself against the table. "Now I'm beginning to realise the full extent of Zeus' punishment," she stated drily. "Listen, while I have the chance, I want to thank you both for all that you've done for us so far. Xena, I know that you're no fan of the gods and I can't blame you for that. I just wanted you to know how much we appreciate this."
Xena shrugged casually, trying to hide her embarrassment at the goddess' words. She wasn't used to being thanked by a god. "Well, I figured since you've never done anything to us... unlike your sister, I might add!" She cast a stern glance at the shimmering Aphrodite who squeezed her way amongst the crowd and perched on the table. Lustful glances and wolf-whistles followed her.
"Oh, please! Exqueeze me, but what have I ever done to you? Personally? Apart from bring a little love into your humdrum mortal little existence?" She wiggled her fingers at a slight, balding man and was immediately surrounded by a herd of panting, adolescent middle aged men.
"Are you kidding?" Gabrielle's incredulous voice rang out as she pushed Aphrodite's admirers away. "Might I just mention the small matter of three naked mes prancing around in front of Joxer of all people? I could go on..."
"You could, couldn't you?" Aphrodite screwed up her face."We saw a whole different side to her..." she winked saucily, "...front and back. Didn't we Xena?"
"What about making me obsessed with fishing?" frowned Xena.
"So? You always wanted to fist a fish. You should be thanking me."
Xena's witty reply was cut off as she was hustled out of the way by a would-be Romeo, who licked his hand and slicked back his sparse hair before beginning his wooing campaign. "Say, toots. How ‘bout you and me..." he waggled his eyebrows suggestively at Aphrodite, who giggled and stroked his cheek.
"Listen up, short, dark and gruesome. I like my men to be MEN, know what I mean?" Her eyes travelled down, and lingered a few moments before another stream of giggles erupted. Her gasping suitor's ego shrank and he skulked away, only to be replaced by another three grubby soldiers all vying for the favours of the Goddess of Love.
Casting an amused glance at the stewing Gabrielle, who was being squashed against the wall by the over-enthusiastic attentions of Aphrodite's admirers, Xena cleared the girl some space and whispered to her, "We have got to get her out of that outfit - it's gonna draw all the wrong attention."
Athene nodded as she studied her sister's swirling, silky pink gown. "It is a bit revealing, isn't it? Any ideas?"
"How about your spare leathers, Xena?"
"Good idea, Gabrielle. I'll go get them - you two get Aphrodite up to the room."
***
Half an hour later, they were back at their table waiting for Xena who had been
sent to the bar again. Aphrodite fidgeted as she tried to get comfortable in
Xena's stiff dress. "These things are really scratchy - how does she wear
them? It's no wonder she's in a permanent foul mood."
"They're her spares and she doesn't oil them very often," explained Gabrielle. "And she isn't in a permanent bad mood - she's got her dark side nicely under control these days."
"If you say so, sweetie. At least these aren't cramping my style any - ooh, I still got it!" she exclaimed, delight spreading all over her face as another legion of swarthy warriors and the village blacksmith sidled up. "Hi big guy!" She tucked her arm under the blacksmith's and headed off "How did you know I have a thing for tools? How big's your forge?"
"Well, the leather's certainly attracting a different type," Gabrielle observed drily.
Xena banged their drinks onto the table. "Gods, what is with her?" she burst out as she eyed the departing Aphrodite's back.
"Time of the month," replied Athene. Both women stared at her in amazement for a long moment. "Hey! We're women too! Do you think our kids just pop out, like a chicken's egg?"
Complete silence reigned for a beat. "Okay, plan beta. Any ideas? Gabrielle, where's your royal regalia?"
"Xena, are you kidding? We can't put her in that, it leaves nothing to the imagination and she's already attracting men like bards around nutbread!"
"I just thought - a coupl'a strategically placed feathers... it worked for you with Draco and all..." Xena trailed off, beaten into submission by the expression on the bard's face.
Athene drummed her fingers on her teeth absently as she studied the situation. A hormonal Goddess of Love was not something to be loosed onto the unsuspecting mortal public - even being mortal herself hadn't seemed to diminish that side of her powers. Deep in her musing, she absently replied, "Do either of you have any other costumes lying around that might be a bit more... well, less..." She eyed their leathers, short skirts and tiny pea-green tops with misgiving. "Uh, never mind."
Gabrielle and Xena stared at each other as wide grins slowly spread over both their faces.
***
Another half an hour and the foursome were back at their now reserved table,
with a sulking and squirming Aphrodite firmly anchored between the wall and
the Warrior. "This sucks - it's about as fashionable as a sack!" She
fingered the long brown skirt and blue jacket gingerly. "No wonder my poor
little Cupie couldn't get a result with you dressed in this get-up Gabby. It's
sooo like, completely non-passion attracting!"
"Hey, it did me just fine thank you very much!" Gabrielle was all misty eyed as she remembered back to the early days, struggling to pick up her long skirts as she trailed in Xena's wake, just a tag-along sidekick.
"Yeah, sweetie. I could count the number of your conquests on... oh, lemme see - no fingers!"
"Aphrodite, love isn't just about sex, you know."
"Well sweetie, you'd know. Right, Xena?"
Xena nodded absently, caught Gabrielle's eye and coloured slightly.
Athene's sardonic voice broke the moment. "Xena's seen more of the world than Gabrielle, did you know that ‘Dite?" Both ex-goddesses dissolved into peals of conspiratorial giggles.
Squirming under the full force of the bard's suspicious gaze, Xena shot out. "Okay, let's all calm down, finish our food and get to bed. I want to leave here at first light tomorrow, and we need to decide what we're going to do about... well, no offence ladies but Gabrielle and I aren't known for our unadventurous journeys. Now that you're both mortal, being around us just might be too dangerous and I'm not gonna take a chance on your safety."
Gabrielle piped up her agreement. "I wonder where Hercules is? He might know what to do, or at least, you might be safer with him than us."
"Hey, I'm not afraid of a fight. I am the Goddess of War after all. And my instincts tell me to stick with you two." Athene's brows furrowed together as she saw Xena about to disagree.
"I thought you were the Goddess of Wisdom?" a perplexed Gabrielle enquired.
"I am."
"How can you be both? War and Wisdom have nothing to do with each other!"
"No, Gabrielle. The wisdom comes in knowing when to fight, and when not to. Wisdom before weapons? I only fight when I have to, but when I do..."
"She's one of the most fearsome and warlike of the deities - even more so than Ares," finished Xena. "But unlike Ares, Athene isn't about lust for power and blood."
Athene smiled at them both again. "We'll stick with you both, if you don't mind. ‘Dite only wants to find Herc ‘cause she's got a thing for his curly-haired sidekick."
Xena's glare grew steely. "I really don't think..."
"I do. The answer lies with you, Xena. I know it does. It's a wisdom thing - trust me."
Muttering darkly about trusting a gods-blasted God, Xena rose to her feet again and picked up their empty mugs. Her glance fell on the now demure Aphrodite, covered from head to toe and with her luxurious hair fastened into a simple braid. The picture of innocence. Her mouth lifted as she remembered Gabrielle in the early days; a stubborn, chatty, irritating and completely lovable little blonde who'd attached herself to the world-weary warrior, as unshakeable as a bacchae on a neckwound. Hmm. Nice image.
"Your turn, Aphrodite. Three ports, and one cider. Watered down cider." She whispered the last into Aphrodite's ear. Tipping a couple of coins into her hand, she pushed the protesting goddess towards the bar. At her two companions' raised eyebrows, she added in explanation "Time to try out the clothes. If she still attracts attention in those things, well..."
"Hey, what do you mean, those things? That was my best outfit once!"
The three watched as Aphrodite wormed her way through the small crowd clustered round the bar, stood on her toes and desperately tried to attract attention. "Yoo hoo! Barkeep!" More forcefully: "Hey, fella! Coupla thirsty customers here!" Quite loudly: "You sorry excuse for a... a.... piece of centaur's dung!" Finally, with desperation: "Hey, barkeep. I can pay - I have Means!" The last said with a forlorn wiggle and a flash of cleavage and leg.
The barkeeper looked at the gasping women over at the far table - all three were sprawled across the top, the little blonde one with tears streaming down her face - then back at the woman in front of him. "Sorry, little girl, I don't think you'd know what to do with it. Call me when you've found some decent clothes, toots!" The hum of conversation was ruined by yet more peals of uproarious giggling from the far corner.
All three stared in amazement as Gabrielle packed yet more breakfast into her little frame. "What?" she mumbled indistinctly around a piece of bread spread thickly with honey. "I need to eat - I'm a growing girl! Xena, aren't you eating that?" Relieving Xena of her last piece of fruit just as the warrior was about to bite into it, the bard cast her a mischievous grin and swigged down the warrior's wine.
Athene and Aphrodite shook their heads in wonder. "People've been killed for less..."
"Gabrielle, you will let us know when you've finished, won't you?" Xena's sarcastic tone just spread the bard's grin wider. "I'm off to find somewhere that does repairs. The clasp on my armour's about to bust and I don't want my breastplate coming off in the middle of a fight."
Gabrielle's eyes grew positively wicked. "Why, Xena? It's not like your breasts aren't dangerous enough!" Under the full force of one of Xena's best looks, Gabrielle's giggles burst to the surface. "You have no sense of humour first thing in the morning!"
***
Porthos was an iron-lovers Elysia. Xena counted at least two blacksmiths, three
weapons makers, two ironworkers and countless pieces of the metal adorned the
buildings. There was even an iron statue in the village square, with water pouring
out of its mouth. With her newly repaired armour tightly clasped and polished,
she led her little quartet across the square to examine the statue and generally
soak up the atmosphere. Gabrielle always insisted they spend time in each village
they passed through, just "people watching" as she called it. She
appeared to find it all fascinating and kept up a constant running commentary;
usually Xena just used it as a chance to catch a quick forty winks, figuring
the chatty bard would wake her if trouble showed up. Which it invariably did.
Gabrielle touched the statue, and waggled her fingers under the streaming water. "What's with all the iron?"
Aphrodite smiled fondly as she stood before a large, intricately moulded statue of an imposing and muscular looking man. "This is one of my Hephie's villages."
"Who's Hephie?"
"Hephaestus. My husband. Y'know, the beefy guy with the red hot forge and the strongest hands and the biggest..." She spread her hands apart hugely, her eyes glinting.
Xena opened her eyes. "You're married to Hephaestus?"
"Uh huh. This place follows the God of the Forge..." she waved towards an intricately decorated marble building set back from the square. "... see, his temple with the fire permanently burning. The big anvil outside? That's my Hephie!" She swelled with pride, seeing the evidence of her husband's worship all around her.
"Huh! That explains the sweaty men in leather who were filling the tavern last night! Never seen so many in one place before... sure never been pinched by as many!" Again rubbing her rear, Gabrielle smiled ruefully.
"Pinched? You never told me, Gabrielle! If I'd known..." Xena's eyes narrowed menacingly as she twirled the bard around, in preparation for an examination. Gabrielle squealed before Xena could do anything, and skipped out of reach. Hands on hips, she settled in for a long lecture, but before she could get very far, Athene interrupted her sharply.
"Excuse me for interrupting your fun..." Earning a stern glare from Xena and a confused one from Gabrielle, she continued; "...but does no-one else think it's strange that we haven't seen many women round here, and even stranger that the only one's we've seen have been old crones? And has anyone else noticed how empty this square is rapidly getting? Call me crazy, but I've got a bad feeling about this."
Xena checked out the empty little square, cursing inwardly for letting herself get distracted so easily. Watching as the last tiny trickle of villagers bolted their doors, she herded her two goddesses together and ordered Gabrielle to stand guard as she charged across the tiny square to grab the last fleeing man. The elderly man wheezed in shock as he was snatched mid-run and brought to a shuddering halt, a powerful grip clutching the back of his tunic. "What's going on?"
"You better get out of here, young lady - you and your pretty friends or the Men of the Forge will have them. Especially the little blonde one." Glancing back at Gabrielle, she was relieved to see the girl in front of the two goddesses, amazon staff clutched in front of her. Athene had drawn her short sword, and had positioned herself next to Gabrielle and in front of Aphrodite. "She looks like she might be an innocent."
"What do you mean? Who are the men of the Forge? Tell me!" She fought to keep a hold over the surprisingly wiry old man as he struggled to escape her grip.
"Priests of the Temple of Hephaestus. Every time this year, they need a sacrifice - a virgin, to keep the god happy and to bring prosperity to the village. We usually make sure our girls are away or... no longer suitable candidates... around this time. I'd watch over your little one in blue - she's sure to have caught their eye by now." He slipped her grip, and bolted out of the square.
"Time to go, people!" Xena herded her little group together and hustled them across the dusty little square towards the stable and Argo. Halfway across the square, and the temple doors burst open, men streaming out like ants from an anthill. "Oh, great!" she muttered to herself, caught in the open with no shelter and a stream of men dressed in black togas with a hammer and anvil motif sewn onto the front heading towards them. "Gabrielle, stay in front of Athene and Aphrodite."
"Xena, I can fight!" Athene had drawn her sword again.
"You're mortal - you might be hurt or worse."
"I don't fear death. After centuries of living, it'd probably be a relief."
"Yeah, well I'm sure Zeus wouldn't agree and I sure don't want to explain to him how I let his two daughters die when they were in my care. Now, do as I say and stay out of this!"
Launching herself in the air, she drop kicked the two men closest to her; they hurtled back into two others who followed closely behind them. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Gabrielle making short and bloody work of several men who'd tried sneaking up on their flank, hoping to catch the women in a pincer movement. A couple more roundhouse kicks and heavy punches made surprisingly short work of these obviously inexperienced fighters. Athene had completely disregarded orders and was making do with Gabrielle's reeling leftovers, whilst Aphrodite screeched and squealed in the middle, desperately evading the men's grasping hands as they made repeated lunges for her whenever they broke through the wall of warriors. A couple of minutes later, and a pile of grunting, gasping men lay in a dazed heap at their feet.
"I thought I told you to stay out of this!" Xena turned furious eyes to Athene, who turned equally glinting ones back at her.
"You don't seriously expect me to stand around and do nothing in situations like that, Xena? I'm not used to relying on people to take care of me when I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself!"
"By the Gods! This is the last thing I need..."
The brewing argument was shattered by Aphrodite's wailing. "Will one of you two warrior babes please tell me what in Hades name that was all about? If I wasn't so secure in my self image, I'd swear those sweaty little men were out to get me!"
"Well, actually they were." Three heads shot around to Xena, who was calmly wiping and sheathing her sword. "Same old story - local cult, sacrificial virgins... yadda, yadda, yadda. What is it with you gods and virgin sacrifices? I mean, first it was Morpheus... now this. Who's next?"
"Well sure, it's an important part of a god's street cred - you know, how many temples, how many blood sacrifices kind of thing. It's how we know whether we're happening and like, it's major bonus points for the whole virginity thing. After all, they're so rare these days. But what does that have to do with me?"
Xena tried unsuccessfully to bite back a grin as she said "You're prime sacrificial beef, ‘Dite." Athene started chuckling; Gabrielle and Aphrodite stared at Xena in confusion.
"I'm beef?"
"Okay, it's stretching the imagination I know, but - well... they think you're a virgin."
"Xena, I don't like this one bit..."
"I know you don't Gabrielle...."
They were gathered snugly round the dwindling campfire, the rosy hues of the dying flames casting dancing shadows across four serious faces, two of which were locked in a battle of wills, and one of whom looked on with an absurdly hopeful expression.
"Hey, Bardie - cut with the ‘tude. If Xena here‘s decided she wants to do this, then who are we to stop her? It's... like, it's an action, warrior type thing, babe!" The absurdly hopeful look on Aphrodite's face dropped slightly as Gabrielle rounded on her; feeling the full force of the bard's wrath for the first time, the former goddess visibly shrank under her cloak.
"Yeah, you would say that! What did you say to get her to go along with this gods-blasted stupid idea anyway? Of all the dumbest..."
"Hey, chill babe! If she wants to help my Hephie out then who am I to say no? It's for the greater good anyway!"
Rolling her eyes to the heavens and silently sending a stream of inventive curses in Zeus' direction, Xena stood up abruptly and poked the fire vigorously with a stick, aggravating it into blazing life before snapping the stick and casting it into the flames. "Aphrodite, cut it out! Gabrielle, this isn't about Hephaestus. This is about helping the people in that village. Now the plan is set..."
"Then at least let me come with you!"
"Gabrielle, I..."
"Xena! I thought we were past the ‘it's too dangerous for you, Gabrielle' phase..."
"We are! I need you and Athene to stay behind. There's no sense in all of us going and if things do go wrong, Aphrodite and I may need you to get us out of there."
"There's no changing your mind, is there?"
"No."
"Okay. But I still don't like this, Xena!" The little bard turned stiffly away, shrugging herself into her blankets. Xena reached out a tentative hand, then pulled back.
"Opinion noted, Gabrielle. Let's turn in, get a good night's sleep." The warrior lay on her bedroll next to the bard, their two stiff backs almost touching.
Athene had watched the exchanges with no comment. Now, she shifted position slightly next to her sister and scowled. "Are you pleased with yourself?" she whispered in her sister's ear.
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean. This is Hephaestus' problem, and he should sort it out himself if he doesn't like what's happening here. It's not fair to drag mortals into this, and look what you've done now!" She motioned towards the two sleeping women, who were as far apart as they could possibly be whilst lying right next to each other. "I thought you were supposed to be the goddess of love, not the goddess of ‘let's get them pissed off enough so they fall out and never speak to each other again.'"
"Look, you! My Hephie doesn't go in for normal god stuff - sacrifices, and temples and all that. He doesn't care about those things - and it's difficult enough to get him out of his forge at the best of times, never mind to intervene in mortal affairs! I'm trying to protect his reputation! Do you think he has it easy, with the other gods treating him the way they do?"
"Alright! Alright! But I'm warning you - this had better go to plan, and if anything happens to either one of these two, I'm holding you personally responsible!"
"Oh please! What could go wrong?"
***
The afternoon sun beat down on their bare heads and the humid air sliced through
their lungs; Xena and Aphrodite struggled along the road on foot, heading back
to Porthos. Aphrodite, amazingly enough, was quiet and Xena prayed to the gods
that it would last a while longer - she'd had yet another ear bashing from the
aggravated little bard she'd left bundled up in bed that morning, and her ears
still smarted from one of Gabrielle's most outstanding verbal assaults. Why
in gods names do I let a little amazon bard get to me like this? Here I am feeling
guilty - for Zeus sake! - that I'm trying to protect my best friend's life!
Deep in thought, Xena plodded on, conscious of the anxious twisting of the goddess at her side. "Stop doing that!" she hissed through tight lips.
"What?"
"Wriggling around! You're driving me crazy!" Petulant pouts more dramatic than even Gabrielle could manage were turned her way. Xena cast her eyes to the skies again and sent her now familiar diatribe to Zeus. "You'll draw attention to us."
"I thought that's what you wanted?"
"Oh, for crying..." Turning to the petulant woman, she dug her heels into soft earth and prepared one of her most fearsome looks, but Aphrodite cut her off.
"Hey, warrior babe! This was your plan and you're the one who insisted we dress up in a couple of sacks, so don't take your total lack of fashion sense out on me!"
"It's your gods-blasted husband we're doing this for, you crazy..."
"...perfectly good see through dress for this..."
"...Zeus-be-damned Olympians..."
"...ruined my best shoes... feet are killing me..."
"...missing my sword already..."
"...with the most miserable woman in the known world.... and probably the unknown one too! And you snore, warrior babe..."
"...and you made my bard angry with me!"
"YOUR bard?" Curling a knowing eyebrow, the goddess smirked. "So, little Gabby is your bardie now, huh Xena? Well, how cozy for you both!"
"It's just a figure of speech, so don't get too excited."
"Sure thing - if you say so, tall, dark and lovestruck." The musical tinkling of Aphrodite's laughter bounced off the trees bordering the road and crashed through the forest, reverberating through the wood and sending verbal smoke signals announcing their presence to everyone within a thirty league radius.
"Great! Could you be any louder? Guess we'll be putting the plan into action sooner than I thought..." Xena shot a malevolent glare at Aphrodite before she seized the goddess firmly by the wrists and stalked on up the road.
"I don't see what the problem is..." wailed the goddess as she sailed through the air. "I mean, the plan's all worked out, right? So nothing'll go wrong. No problemo..."
***
Groaning loudly as she slowly struggled her way to consciousness, Xena gradually
became aware of three things, all of which caused her stomach to drop and her
temper to boil. Firstly, her head was throbbing and building itself nicely into
a full scale headache; secondly, the cutting and rubbing round her wrists meant
that she was tied up and thirdly - well, the vision of Aphrodite dressed in
a virginal white robe and tied to the wall wasn't one she'd forget in a hurry.
Despite how much she wanted to.
"Oh, at last! Of all the times to take a nap, warrior babe!"
"Wh... what happened?" She blinked, trying to clear her vision which, for some reason only known only to itself, had developed two Aphrodite's and swirling red blobs to boot - probably part of some God's plan to drive me completely insane. Does Ares still have it in for me?
"Hello! Take a flyer! Need a clue?"
Xena groaned again as she took in the dark, damp cell. "Ah. Guess getting into the temple was easier than I thought." The lump on the top of her skull was huge; she prodded it gingerly and winced. "Good thing we had a plan. No problemo..." The scowling face threatened Aphrodite, who was painfully reminded of her own newfound mortality right at that very moment.
She grinned, sheepishly. "Ah, Xena? Could you do one of your warrior type things ... uhh, and like - get me out of here?"
"Mmm. Sure. Remind me again how I got conked on the head with the butt of a sword?"
"Ah, Xena... what's past is passed, right?"
"Humour me."
"Are you having memory lapses?" the goddess asked hopefully.
"Yes - like I can't remember why in Hades name I ever agreed to this gods-damned plan in the first place!!"
"Xena, I'm tied up! This is not my normal role! Get me outta this!"
"So am I, in case you hadn't noticed."
"Arrrgh! How does that bardie put UP with you, warrior witch?"
"Besides, I think it kinda suits you..." Xena carried on as if she hadn't heard the desperate pleas of the frantically twisting Aphrodite. "Anyway, you better get used to it because we need to get the plan back on track. At least we're inside. Now listen up... and stop squirming!"
"These ropes are giving me chafing..."
***
Gabrielle stomped around the little fire, eyes blazing and muttering to herself.
Athene rubbed her eyes for the thousandth time - Gabrielle was making her dizzy
and giving her a headache. And a Goddess of Wisdom and War with a headache was
not something to have sitting at your campfire. She snapped.
"Gabrielle! Will you sit down! They'll be fine!"
"They should've been back by now!" The little blonde's anxious eyes turned pleading looks to Athene. "Something's gone wrong, I know it has. Without me to watch her back... not to mention your crazy sister... But what if she's hurt? Or maybe..." The worried bard started pacing again.
Athene watched her stomp around the campfire for the twelfth time, and smiled to herself. The reason for Gabrielle's burst of exercise was written all over her face. "You're in love with her, aren't you?"
"What? What... no, of course not! Don't be... why, that's ridiculous!"
"Why?"
"Well... well.. it just is!"
"Why?"
"We're best friends. Anyone'd be worried if their best friend was out on a mission with some crazy mortal goddess and a bunch of murdering religious zealots... I mean, anyone would!"
"Not if that best friend was Xena. It's just a normal day for her. C'mon, you love her. Admit it."
"What makes you say that?"
Athene simply gestured towards the foot deep moat that Gabrielle had carved round the fire, and smiled. "It's a wisdom thing."
"Yeah, well - I'm not standing round here any longer. I'm going back to that village. You coming?"
"Thought you'd never ask!"
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