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Gabrielle strolled through the wood, smiling and whistling tunelessly, contentment fairly oozing out of every pore in her body. A good day's shopping always put the bard in the best of moods - plenty of time to browse, and haggle and touch and stroke, without a certain warrior princess nagging her to hurry up, or getting in a fight and having to be rescued by the bard's silver tongued diplomacy, and generally being her usual bad tempered warrior princess self. She kicked a pebble, and whistled some more, even more tunelessly (birds in the trees stopped what they were doing and covered their little ears in agony) and hitched her bag further up her shoulder. The weight of the vegetables was dragging it down her arm; she licked her lips as she thought of dinner - if Xena had done the one job she'd left her, they'd be having rabbit or something stew, with lovely chunks of potatoes, onions and carrots all floating round in savoury gravy. And not a turnip in sight. Oh no. No turnips for the warrior princess. Cruel to be kind, Gabrielle, she reminded herself, and whistled again.
Oh yeah - what a fantastic day - lots of leisurely shopping... her mind drifted to the extremely pleasant hour she'd spent with the butcher, thoroughly examining the rump roasts he'd had on offer. Each succulent, smooth joint squeezed and stroked - it was so important to test the moistness, the juices, the soft pink tender flesh... okay, so she hadn't actually bought one but she had to inspect them all before deciding not to buy, didn't she? The satisfied bard nodded, licked her lips and flexed her fingers as she entered the clearing, just in time to see Xena skitter out from behind a tree and collapse on the floor with a hugely suspect smile plastered all over her face and dirt under her fingernails.
"Hi Gabrielle!" She said, in a too high voice. "Good day shopping?"
"Yeah, thanks... Xena, are you alright?" The warrior was sitting cross legged on the floor, smile frozen in place and a strange glazed look in her eyes.
"Huh? Oh yeah - I'm fine. Yeah. Fine. Didja bring back the vegetables? I caught a rabbit!"
"Yeah." The bard dropped the heavy bag; it was immediately captured and rummaged through. "Looking for anything in particular, Xena?" Gabrielle enquired drily.
"Huh? No. No, no... No. Heh! Like what?? No, just generally inspecting the vegetable situation. You know how I like to keep on top of things! Heh."
Gabrielle was dazzled by the brilliance of the smile that was turned in her direction; such a jaw cracking smile, the like of which she hadn't seen since... uh oh. "Xena, what's going on?" She took a couple of steps closer, and the warrior's expression grew even shiftier.
"I dunno what you mean Gabrielle." The absolutely angelic expression that glowed on Xena's face was yet more proof that she was Up To Something. Warrior princesses never look angelic, unless its cover for their Dark Sides. Gabrielle stomped forward, and stomped her staff a few times for good measure.
"Xena...<thump!> you're up to <stomp!> something...<thump!> Don't try <thwack!> to deny it....<clump!> it's written <thump> all over your...<squelch!> ...what was that??"
Xena's face was a frozen rictus of horror, and the bard's one of complete confusion as they both stared at the buried end of Gabrielle's staff. Tugging carefully on it, Gabrielle freed it with a <squish!> and a <pop!> Speared on the end, like a rough hairy donut, was a turnip. A small squeak escaped from Xena; Gabrielle's eyes narrowed as she stared from the turnip to the warrior, then around the clearing.
"How did that get there?" She demanded flatly, presenting the skewered vegetable for inspection. Xena winced.
"Heh. Maybe they grow round here?" She trailed lamely off under the scorching glare of the foot tapping bard; a bard whose foot tapped a little too ferociously and bumped against a solid object buried about an inch below ground.
"Well would you look at that?" Gabrielle dusted off the dirt, and held up another plump, juicy offering. "Here's another one! And if I'm not mistaken..." she pointed with her beturniped staff to the many little piles of freshly dug earth that dotted the clearing like molehills. "...there's another... and another... need I go on?"
"Ahh... Gabrielle... I can explain...!"
"Xena! You've been burying turnips again haven't you? How am I supposed to keep you off this stuff if you keep stashing them away for later?"
"Gabrielle, they're only little ones! Harmless... not like the one's I normally... I mean, these don't - why, they're barely turnips at all..."
"Honestly, Xena! Right, that's it!! I don't know where you're getting these from or who your supplier is, but I'm cutting you off, right now!"
"Aw! Gabrielle!!"
"No buts Xena! If I even see you with another turnip - if I even catch you thinking about them... well, that's it! And I'm getting you professional help!"
"Oh no! No - I am not going back there! You can't make me! Don't make me, Gabrielle.....!"
"Oh yes you are, warrior princess! We're heading back. You have to learn to say no to this lust for turnips... or where will it all end??"
***
The familiar building loomed large. Xena hesitated on the step, the inscription carved above the door mocking her with its ornate lettering and gaudily painted colours.
F. S. A. –– Friends of Fetish Sufferers Sharing For The Greater Good
"Oh no..." she mumbled and danced on the step until a small but firm hand thrust her purposefully through the door and into empty hall. The decidedly cute figure at the other end rose gracefully and came to greet them with arms outstretched. They were both squeezed in a crushing bear hug.
"Xena! Gabrielle! How are you both? So good to see you! Is this a social call or...?" The angelic (but still awfully cute) beam turned into a worried frown.
"No, I'm afraid this isn't a social call, Lariel. It's Xena. I'm afraid she's... Relapsed!"
"Relapsed??" Lariel let her go like she was dropping a branding iron, with a shocked squawk.. "Good Gods, woman! Where's your willpower? It's only been a week!"
"I... I... I have not relapsed!"
"Ahhh - denial. The classic response of the relapsed fetishist. Classic." Lariel and Gabrielle nodded knowingly at each other. "I can't tell you how disappointed I am Xena. I was hoping to celebrate your triumph over your dark desires by hanging you in our hallowed Hall of Heroes, where you could keep company with such celebrated ex fetishists as..." She walked them down the corridor which was bedecked with grim faced portraits of rather desperate eyed men and women.
"... Atalanta..." They stopped opposite a portrait of a hugely muscled and oiled blonde woman. "...infamous for her... ummm, preoccupation with tools of all kinds... now cured, of course, and carving out an exemplary career as the known world's only female blacksmith.." They strolled on, stopping in front of a huge canvas full of women who had their arms draped around various portions of each other's anatomies.
"...the entire population of the island of Lesbos, who for some unknown reason became rather attached to the works of the poetess Sappho... now cured, every last one of them, and writing their own poetry. Quite racy stuff, actually. Under male quillnames too! And..."
They stopped at a portrait of a handsome youth, with proud carriage and cutely curling hair. "...Alexander the Great! One of the finest strategic military minds of our time - excluding yourself of course, Xena - and who developed a rather unfortunate fetish... well, ahem... I really can't go into that and actually - let's move on!" She turned away quickly, mumbling, "...I'm not really sure the little bugger was cured anyway..."
She twirled quickly and grasped Xena's arms between two firm hands. "So you see why I'm so disappointed? Xena! You could've had your kisser hanging up there with the Illumini! With the Pride of this Centre! You could've been a Friend of the Friends (of the Fetish Sufferers...) You coulda been an example! You coulda been a contender! But instead you threw it all away! And for what? For what, Gabrielle?"
"Yeah! Threw it all away!!" The little bard was hopping from foot to foot, as the warrior squirmed uncomfortably.
"For a moment of Lustful Weakness, Xena! You let your Baser Instinct take over!"
"Baser instincts! Yeah! She has lots of those!!"
"Gabrielle!" The mortified warrior blushed to the roots of her hair, as the little sprite jumped around and clapped.
"We must PURGE the Sins of the Flesh!! Cast out ye Foul Demons and FILL you with Righteousness and Purity!! It'll be a tough call... obviously... and frankly, our chances of success are slim... once those Base Instincts get a hold on you... but I'm - no, we're - here for you, Xena. Remember that. You- Don't- Have- To- Do- This- Alone..."
"Purge my fleshy sins? Cast out my foul demons? That sounds kinda painful..."
"Yes, well it's a big job, I won't lie to you Xena. And I'm not really qualified but hey! I'm game if you are! Gotta learn somehow, huh?"
The jumping, hopping, clapping little bard abruptly stopped moving around and wrapped her arm around Xena's slumped shoulders. "Uh... Lariel, I don't mean to cast doubts on your ability to do this... if it's such a difficult procedure..."
"Oh no, Gabrielle - you go right ahead! Just between us, I really don't have a clue what I'm doing half the time. But it all seems to come out in the wash!"
"...ahhh, that's... yeah, that's reassuring... okay, so wouldn't it be... I mean how about a second opinion? Do you know anyone who would be qualified to deal with this sort of... issue? Xena's very important to me and I wouldn't want anything to happen to her... y'know?"
"Ahhh - of course! I understand completely! And when this is over, perhaps you'll come back to me and we can work on this Xena fetish of yours?"
"Xena fet... what??? I don't... I DON'T!" The bard choked and burbled and hiccupped in indignation.
"Har har Gabrielle!!" Xena cackled uproariously. "Denial! The classic response of the reluctant fetishist!!"
"Now now Xena! You're in no shape to be laughing at someone else's Unfortunateness. Need I remind you that burying turnips is not the action of a healthy, well adjusted mind? No! It is the action of the Lust Filled and Godsless! Cast out ye demons!! Don't let your Base Urges control you, Xena!! Out, damn demons!!"
"Ow! Will you stop tapping my forehead please? You'll have me over in a minute!"
"Ah, yeah - sorry about that. I always get a bit carried away when I'm performing an Outing. But that's a ceremony for another time, I think, looking at you two. Anyway, back to business. There's only one other person I know who may - just may - be qualified to deal with this. It's a risk. She's very odd, and her methods are unconventional. But she's the only hope you have."
Half an hour later, they were galloping towards Mycenae with a full case history and letters of introduction to Doctor Lawls.
***
"Zo, my dear... what zeemz to be ze problem?" The tiny Doctor Lawls steepled her long, elegant fingers together and rested her chin on them with a thoughtful air.
"You're not from round here, are you?" enquired Xena drily.
"Mmm. Are you avoiding my kvestion, Zeeeena? Or iz it in fact, that you are avoiding YOUR CONDITION!!!!???" One of the long fingers stabbed viciously at Xena, nearly knocking her sideways off the long couch she had been made to lie on.
"Cryin' out loud! Are they registered as lethal weapons in this state?"
"Aha! I zee you are using attack az a form of defenze. Classic pattern of behaviour for reformed varlords who haf unresolved ISSUES. Zo, let us move pazt this outmoded form of defenziveness and ztrike right to ze heart of ze matter. What's this thing you've got about turnips, huh? I mean, where in hell did that spring from??"
"Yeah, the turnip thing. I don't know, Doc. By the way - are you a Doctor? I can't be trusting my mind with any old quack, y'know. Where's your credentials?"
The little woman pulled off her eyeglasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose as she mulled over Xena's question. She clipped them back in place, and pulled out a whole heap of certificates which Xena tossed to the bard for checking.
"Looks good, Xena. Diploma from the Athens Academy of Shrinks, Certificate in Headology from the Rome Academy of Medicine, Commendation from the Royal Spartan Army, some weird thing from some weird place in Gaul, letters of thanks from - wow! You should see some of these names... oh, and what's this? Hmmm..."
"Gimme that back!!" The good Doctor snatched back the scroll that Gabrielle was reading; the bard's eyes had grown wide and her chest heaved rapidly.
"Wow! You write good stories, Doctor Lawls. I didn't know that was humanly possible... ever thought about publishing?" Gabrielle fanned herself until the blush had faded from her cheeks.
"Gimme them letters, Gabrielle. I wanna see the good Doctor's recommendations for myself!" Xena grabbed the sheaf of scrolls and certificates, leafed through them with a "humfff" and then came to the letters. She peered at the Doctor dubiously. "You know Attila the Hun?"
"Ahh, yez. Atty. Vat a shy boy he vas ven he firzt came to me. Terrible troublez viz getting in touch viz hiz more negative emotionz. Alvays zo nice to people, could never zay a bad word about anybody. Zo unhealthy."
"Yeah, I knew him too. Met up with him when I was hanging with Borias. He was such a big softie, really - we just used to tease him so much. Y'know, loot his money, have his women, kill his horses, steal his army... usual stuff. Ahh, but he used to take it sooo well - just used to kinda redden up and splutter a lot. Good old Atty."
"She knows everyone. She's like a who's who of warriors," Gabrielle added proudly.
"Yez, vell... good old Atty iz now von of ze most feared varlords in the Steppes. He vould kill you az zoon as look at you, Zeena. Von of my many zatisfied patients. I put him through an intensive anger management course. Zo, my dear, are you zatizfied viz my credentials?"
"Hmm. Well, it wouldn't hurt you to have a few more qualifications under your belt..." Xena squawked as she was elbowed by the bard, "...<cough>... but I guess that'll be fine. For now."
The minuscule little woman smiled a small enigmatic smile, tucked the pile of papers back into her desk and steepled her fingers again. "Zo, Zeena. Tell me about this turnip condition of yourz. Ven did you first realize you vere developing an unhealthy obzezzion viz a vegetable?"
The warrior spluttered in disgust. "It's not... excuse me.. it is NOT an obsession! It's not unhealthy anyway... in fact, it couldn't be healthier. Vegetables are good for you! Plenty of roughage - you Doctors are always saying eat more roughage!"
"Yes, Zeena - the vord being EAT, not touch, caress, and generally fondle. I am obviouzly getting nowhere vith you - you reprobate. Gabrielle, perhaps you can help your unfortunate friend come to terms viz her turnip lust."
"I am at my wits end, Doctor. I just don't know what to do next. Every time I turn around, she's at it - making moves on them, moaning and groaning, fondling them, rubbing her fingers over the skin - I even caught her licking one of them the other night while I was asleep! I have to keep them covered at all times and - well, you know that's not good for them. They're better if air is allowed to get to them from time to time. They stay firm for longer."
"Yez, qvite right Gabrielle. Hmm. Very interezting. Let's try a little vord association, Zeena. I am going to give you a vord, and I vant you to say the firzt thing that comes into your mind. Okay?"
The warrior looked sulky, but nodded.
"Water."
"Irrigation."
"Land."
"Growing."
"Crops."
"Turnips!" The warrior beamed with proud satisfaction, whilst the Doctor looked concerned and wrote up a whole scroll of notes. "See Gabrielle - nothing wrong with me at all! Perfectly normal!"
"Hmm. Zeena, I am vondering if ziz obsession iz a cover for something deeper. You ztrike me az the kind of girl who iz not in touch viz her innermost feelings."
"Girl? ‘Scuse me, doc! I am a mature woman!"
"Yez... vell let uz zee more of that maturity huh? The God's know it'd make a nice change. Let uz try ziz again. Ready?"
Xena nodded glumly.
"Turnips."
"Plump." The warrior began to drool unconsciously.
"Round."
"Forbidden."
"Fruit."
"Mmm. Ripe for the plucking." Xena's eyes began to glaze over.
"Cherries."
"Innocent." A sappy smile spread over Xena's face.
"Girl"
"Gabri...<cough, cough>...eek!!"
"Aha! Zo, Zeena, ven you are fondling ze turnips, you are really imagining you are fondling zomething elze, no? Are you ready to admit to yourself vat you are vishing zoze turnips to be?"
"Doc! Doc! I can't talk about this now!!" Xena's head was twitching frantically. "Isn't there some sort of like patient-Doctor confidentiality thing?"
"No. Get over it. Now spill, warrior."
But Xena clammed up and no amount of pushing, goading and persuading on the part of the Doctor or the bard could get her to open up and cough. In frustration, Doctor Lawls scribbled on a small piece of parchment, pushed it into Gabrielle's hands and dismissed them with a curt "Make sure she takes this twice a day, and come back and zee me in a veek's time if there iz no improvement."
The bard's face lit up in relief. "What is it Doctor? Will it cure her?"
"No, my dear, but it'll make sure you're safe enough. It's bromide, and that'll kill a rampaging bull elephant's libido at twenty paces. Just put two spoonfuls in her tea twice a day and you'll be fine."
"Me? But I'm not the one who needs this!"
"Wanna bet, sweetcheeks?"
***
"Xena? I'm not sure this was exactly what the Doctor had in mind for your therapy..." Gabrielle eyed Xena warily - ever since she'd been on the double dose of bromide, the warrior's temper had been even more erratic than usual, and her behaviour had been - well, downright unpredictable. Or at least, more so than usual.
"Doctor? Pah! That no good, two bit, sorry eyed, lame pantsed excuse for a harpies'...!!!"
"Xena! The Doctor is trying to help us! I really think we should go back... it's been almost three weeks now."
"Yes, Gabrielle! Three weeks to the day! Since our Happy Event! Ahh - a date that will forever be burned in my memory as the happiest day of my life!" The blissful warrior caught the glint of pissedness lurking deep in emerald green eyes, and added quickly, "...not counting the day we met, of course! That stands alone as the most momentous."
"Okay, you made your point. Xena will you do this?" A shake of the head. "For me?" A shake. "Please? For me?" Shake. "Okay, for us?" Shake, and a hopeful blue eyed look. "Not even for us?" Shake, and an even more hopeful look, backed up with a couple of waggled eyebrows. The bard closed her eyes, sighed deeply, gulped and ground out between clenched teeth. "Okay. Will you do this for all of us? Our family?" She was rewarded by a glaringly beatific smile.
"Gabrielle, of course I will! You know how important this family unit is to me! I'll do anything to protect it." Her voice lowered threateningly. "Anything."
"Okay... okay, that's fine. Heh! Tomorrow, we'll go see Doctor Lawls again. Right?"
"Right, right... whatever you say... Mommee..."
Gabrielle sighed again, and stirred the milk she was warming.
***
"Doctor Lawls! Thank the Gods - you don't know how glad I am to see you! I'm very worried by the latest turn Xena's turnip obsession has taken! I think the bromide might've had side effects!"
"Gabrielle, calm down pleaze. Explain to me quietly and calmly vat iz ze problem." The little woman settled into her huge armchair like a child perching on the end of a throne.
"It's this turnip!"
"Our turnip, Gabrielle! She's ours - yours and mine, can't you see that?"
"This turnip!!"
"Why won't you accept her? She's a bouncing, beautiful thing! She has my eyes, and your nose. Look, Doc - isn't she beautiful?" Xena held out the little round turnip to the Doctor - it was dressed in a little cloth diaper, with a ribbon stuck round its little nubbin, and someone had even drawn a little face on it. It was the cutest turnip Doctor Lawls had ever seen.
"Yez, she iz beautiful, Zeena. You muzt be very proud of her... Gabrielle, how much of that Godsbedamned bromide did you give her? The woman's flipped!"
"Doctor, you have to help me! She has me warming milk for it - I have to wind it and..." the poor distraught bard shuddered horrendously, "...she even makes me change its diaper. And I don't know how, Doctor but - the diaper always needs changing....!!!!"
As if on cue, Xena held out the little bundle to Gabrielle with a winsome smile. "Gabrielle, here would you change her diaper? She's getting a little fractious, and I need to speak to the Doctor. I think she might be teething - Doc, know any good herbs?" The bard took the "baby", unrolled the little scrap of material and shuddered when she took a quick peek at it; rapidly, the turnip was wiped, changed, pinned securely and thrust back into Xena's waiting hands. "Oooh - say thank you to Mommy... thank you Mommy."
"Cute baby, Zeena.... This is obviously zome form of extreme reaction to the lazt vizit. What's her name, Zeena? Ve muzt znap her out of this qvickly...."
"Oh, uhh... Adam. I'm going to call her Adam."
"That's a boy's name, Xena." The weary bard plopped heavily down on the couch, nearly shoving Xena and her turnip off in the process.
"I'll have no gender stereotyping influencing the way my child grows up! I thought you of all people would agree with that, Gabrielle, given your... proclivities..."
"Proclivities... what exactly is that supposed to mean?"
"Y'know..." Xena made a very expressive hand gesture. "Not to mention your own little fetish which I notice you have neglected to mention to Doctor Lawls... a rather sinister one, I might add. Doc, have you ever heard anything as depraved as a rump fetish? Lariel reckons she's also developing a Xena fetish." She added smugly. "She could keep you in business for years."
"Zeena, you know ve are not here to discuss Gabrielle's case hiztory, as fascinating as it may sound. Rump fetish eh? Uzed to have von of those myself. Girlfriend - here's my card. You'll need it." The Doctor bumped Gabrielle sympathetically on the shoulder, whilst mentally counting little piles of consultation dinars.
"Doctor Lawls, please???? You have to get her off this! She's carrying it with us everywhere - it even has its own little sling on Argo's saddle. I never get to ride behind her any more! We got into a fight last week, and it was accidentally nicked - just a teeny little chunk taken out... she killed the guy, Doctor!"
"He was threatening our produce, Gabrielle! He had to die - she's just an innocent! Look at that face!!!! Don't you want our child to grow up safe from harm? I thought that's what we were fighting for?"
"I don't want our child to grow up to be a turnip!"
"Enough of all zis. You two are starting to irritate me with these obsessions of yours!" The Doctor's surprisingly large voice boxed both their ears, and shocked them into silence.
"Aw, Doc! Look what you've done! You've made her cry..." Xena dabbed at the little drawn on blue eyes with her handkerchief.
"Anyvay, back to businezz. That..." pointing with one of her elegantly elongated fingers, with its talon like nail painted bright red, "...iz not a child, it iz a turnip. Iz this perhaps Zeena, your vay of expressing your dezire to mother and nurture the actual zource of your turnip fixation vich ve discovered at our last meeting was actually Gab..." The Doctor crumbled under the murderous blood-crazed glare in the erratic warrior's eyes. "<cough> ...symbolic of ahh... zomezing else? Reprezenting your reluctanze to zee this... ahhh, zomezing else grow up to full maturity and become an equal in ze relationship, ozer than a child alwayz needing your protection?"
"What? No. That would be ridiculous."
"Hey - wait a minute!" The little blond had a peculiar expression on her face. "Are you saying this is all to do with me somehow? That this turnip is ME???? But how? I don't wear ribbons... Xena, do you want me to wear ribbons in my hair? You never said!"
The warrior looked slightly guilty, yet hopeful. "Would you if I did?"
There was a long pause as Gabrielle deliberated. "Well, I guess. As long as I don't have to wear a diaper..."
"Oh. Well, we could work up to that." The turnip was chucked over the left shoulder promptly. "Gabrielle, baby... c'mere!" With a shriek, the bard bounced onto the knee of the warrior, and was roughly rocked and cooed, much to the embarrassment of the Doctor, who sat there and wrote out her bill. The tiny little woman (who was smaller even than Gabrielle) paused for a moment, watching as Xena's hand crept round to fondle the bard's plump, pert breast.
"Okay, you're cured. Here's my bill. Recommend me to your friends. And Gabrielle - about that Xena fetish? Forget it - you're a hopeless case."
"Hey! But what about her rump fetish?" Xena squealed as two strong hands clamped themselves onto her butt cheeks.
"Are you complaining Zeena?"
"Noooooo!!!!!!!!"
"Well then. Come back and see me in six months. I won't be here, of course, but I feel I should at least go through the motions. Send my regards to Lariel!" She rocked her legs several times to build up momentum, then swung herself off the seat and toddled off down the hallway. Xena and Gabrielle cooed at each other a bit more.
"Gab, baby..."
"Yeah, Xe sweetie?"
"Ahh... how do you feel about a schoolgirl's uniform?"
"Only if you'll wear one of those nice Athens militia ones and polish your boots up real nice!"
"Ooh... baby!!"
***
Yes, that's it. That's the end of this little depraved tale and lets just HOPE that this is the end of the Challenge of the Ls - one episode in the bardic careers of Lariel & Lawlsfan that I'm sure both of us will soon come to regret. Anyway - she was the true mastermind behind all this. I'm just along for the experience.
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