The only thing I can say I've read from stem to stern was Mary D's Eva and Zoe tales. Even they were hard for me because she was at first making In The Blood Of The Greeks into an Uber. Then she changed it to make the characters more original. Somehow that worked for me.

Who did you decide to approach first, and why?

Katia (Archaeobard). I just got done reading her Nipple story and wrote her. Every answer she sent back cracked me up more. So when the idea to invite bards struck, she was the first one who came to mind. I loved her humor.

And what was it like, those early days on the Guards?

It had its ups and downs. I was still new to all this and had no idea what I was doing. Getting a whole bunch of people who had egos the size of Godzilla in one area was a challenge. There was a time during one fight and it was two bards going at it, with one writing me asking if she had to reply to this person, I quit. In fact there were many times I went on and off this list, but the love for it would make me go back.

Why did you love the list so much?

I believed in it with all my heart and soul and I did get to see new folks, who were just readers at the start, write some great FF. We were pumping out FF left and right and it was a treat to see it first before the bard put it up on sites.

When John stepped down, you wouldn't take the leadership, but you did become a moderator…

John stepping down was a tragedy. He was a good owner and he was done wrong, mostly by me - I should have let his list be, and that is another regret. I had no idea what I was doing in the first place. I could barely fumble through my mistakes as moderator and felt someone else could do better. It's not an easy thing and I take my hat off to all the mods or owners.

I was on the list about two months before I left on my round the world travels, and I remember it being a funny, stimulating place. We had more than our fair share of trouble and blow ups, though. I suppose that's what you get for having so many huge bard egos in one place <g> What do you think?

Yes, you are right. You step on someone's ego, the world ends and the flames come out. I spent way too much time trying to stop the flames and get back to the FF and fun. But when things were at peace, we had some of the greatest times and it was so creative.

One of many problems was the fact that a few bards felt like there were trophies on the list and were keeping tally. They were right. I would see a name join that I was told would never join this list and I'd freak out. WOW. They came! HAHA, I proved the naysayer wrong! After being called on it, I learned to stop doing it. But I was told from the start this list would fail because someone tried this before I did.

But it didn't fail. The Guards grew into the Bards' Village. At one point, it had some of the biggest names in fanfic active on it, and at another it grew to around 800 members. Was that the vision you'd had when you started to grow the list back in March '00?

It got to be that big? No. I could never imagine it getting that big. As I said before, I was told this would fail. As readers became more comfortable with bards and even started to write, word of mouth got out and things exploded. <..that and an active advertising campaign on TUFFD and AUXIP, as I recall - Lariel> Yes, I blurbed it everywhere!

It was around this time that you started writing your own fanfic. From someone who'd always insisted that they weren't a bard, this was quite a step. What prompted you to start?

I had written something way before I joined the guards. I had help from the guy I was seeing, my niece and sister. I went under the name A Family of Bards and named the story Finding Peace. It's posted on Tom's site. I'm not a bard and even though I wrote that, I couldn't compare my stuff to the others out there. That would be foolish; I had too much to learn.

And of course, you won a Xippy for Finding Peace, and another soon after. How did it feel to win your first Xippy?

Unworthy. I still don't consider myself a writer. I thought of so many others and their stories that deserved it more than mine. Though Mary is known for good taste so I took it as an honor! A Xippy makes all the bards strut with pride when they win.

Where do your story ideas come from?

Dreams, feelings, and wishes. Sometimes I have dreams of what I would like to see the characters do and it's usually through Gabrielle's eyes. Feelings are from watching facial expressions of the actors. Sometimes they have this look, like they wanted to say more but the script was lacking. Wishes are from when an episode really sucked and I know I or someone else could've done way better.

What was the idea and inspiration behind the Gabrielle's Journals series of stories?

In any series I tend to get fond of the underdog. Gabrielle was the underdog, and it was great to watch her grow and become a kick ass character. I just thought while in the shower one day how great it would be to read some of Gabrielle's thoughts. So there ya go.

You've recently pulled down all the stories that you wrote during that time. Why?

No one read them for starters and at that time I was flinging stuff out without any heart in it. Plus they were not betaed well. I was embarrassed and had them pulled, although they're still on a few sites where the webmistresses kept them up. I kept a few up that I somewhat liked.

I remember you were about to start your own fanfic award too - the 'Slurp' award. You even had a graphic and website set up. But you never did - what happened?

Things happened. I was told my presence wasn't wanted and when it got to a point where my niece was getting hate mail, I pulled it. I let my niece down for all her hard work, and Lucia who drew Murphy (the award logo) for me. I also let the three people down who were helping me do the award. I leapt before I looked, pure and simple, and got bitten in the ass for that action. Pure and simple, my error.

I always remember you being passionate about the Ex-Guards/Village. It was, in many ways, your baby and it was a real surprise when you left. What happened?

Slowly all my friends who helped me start it were gone. It was no longer fun and it wasn't about helping or FF. Things were getting unhappy… There were arguments, back biting and I was in it all. I thought and would do anything to protect the list, but it got to a point where I was wondering why?

I used to post prayers; when I was told that prayers were off topic and could only be posted onto a chat list - that was the start. I had permission from two very good bards to post their work onto the Guards, which I used to do, until I was told that since they weren't members, I could no longer post their work. I sat there looking at the letter, asking myself, 'wasn't this list about FF?'

The last straw was when a bard who was away on a world trip was unsubbed without a reason, then in a note we were told not to talk about it or ask why. There had to be a few rules because things were getting out of hand, but when it got to where you couldn't say anything, it was too much. Questioning things like I did made me more of an outcast. So, I quit as a moderator but stayed on the list. I was told that no one would care if I left or stayed.

Things were obviously pretty bad for you around that time.

My sleeping was still bad, my father was growing more ill, and we had just lost a bard - a person who I liked to talk to. Then my father had a stroke. And people who I thought were friends and I trusted let me down. Several more personal things happened, but they are for me, myself and I to know.

As for the list, I loved it and wanted to do anything to keep it going. When you feel so passionately about something and care so darn much, only to find out in the long run that no one gives a damn (and at the time I was given that impression), it hurts.

Probably the most controversial thing you did was your online 'suicide', which upset and angered a lot of people. I know you wrote a note explaining and apologising for this afterwards, but for the record - why did you do it?

Yeah, I did a stupid thing that I could not take back. I killed my net self. I wanted peace, to get back to those days where I could read and be left alone.

But that was such a drastic thing to do… why not just switch off the computer and walk away?

The way I was thinking then was, 'no one cares, fine, let the Murphy saga be dead and gone.' I even asked my niece to lie for me. It was stupid and the night after I did it, I couldn't take it back no matter how much I wanted to. It was dumb and I have no excuse.

I changed my addy and thought that would be it. Man, I was wrong. All of a sudden it became a witch-hunt and my niece was getting more and more letters. It got to the stage where she had to block an addy, only they came back with different ones. Needless to say, she was pissed at me for having these nut jobs write her. She threatened to call this person's isp, and that stopped the letters, but not the witch-hunt.

What I did was wrong and my fault. At the time I really thought no one gave a damn. I said sorry to everyone who claimed to be hurt and even to people I hardly knew. I was wrong, totally! I wished I could take things back, but I could not.
It's been close to two years now and I'm no longer apologizing for anything.

The reaction that it caused was pretty overwhelming. Some of it was downright disgraceful, in my opinion.

Well, no one wondered if I was hurting or why I stopped posting. No one wrote to see what was up. That surprised me because I always took time out to write people to make sure they were ok.

Did you expect people to react like that?

Posts that would normally be taken down from the Guards were left up - posts about wishing I was really dead, making fun of my apology, burning my hut etc. I was getting letters for months, claiming that my niece was not real, that I was hacking, calling people at work etc.

There were a few people who wrote to me and asked what was what, there had to be a reason and for those few I was grateful for. They were led by their minds and not by what others were doing.

Yes, I do, but I will apologize for it no more. Time to move on. I still regret having to ask my niece to lie for me, having her subjected to harassment that she handled with such fire and grace. I regret giving up a person who I felt from day one was like a brother to me and who I missed when he was tossed off the Guards. I thought more about the Guards than him. I regret that too. As I said, time to move on.

You've said that the 'suicide' was about getting away from it. And yet you came back.

I had no choice; my niece was taking heat and that had to stop. She even wrote me saying, 'I thought you said no one gave a shit?'

Have you found the Xenaverse to be a forgiving place?

No. I'm doing interviews now, minding my own business and still people have to give my editor a hard time. They're not looking at my work, just being plain vindictive. As my editor told me once, 'I go by how you treat me and not what others want me to do. As long as you treat me well, things are fine.'

Has it been a forgiving place? The handful who were true friends and cared, who told me they did not agree with what I did, but understood some. Yeah, they are of great value. Others, even ones I never really knew and maybe talked to twice, the ones who follow their leader, no. It's been awful and I did at one time shed many tears. No more, though.

Since then, you've been writing fiction and articles, you've become an interviewer with Whoosh and you've become active again behind the scenes, helping out on several sites. Have your experiences over the last few years changed you, do you think?

I wrote a few things with bards I dreamed of writing with. I volunteered to help out a couple of sites to help them with broken links; my favorite sites that I would miss greatly if they were gone. The interviews are a challenge for me to see who I can get, who will give me a chance and they have worked out far better than I thought. My viewpoint on bards has hardened but the love of FF stays. Changed me? Yes, it's made me aware that the net life can be cruel and to beware. Also to keep letters, because they just might be needed in the future.

You've had some great responses to your 'Inside The Head Of...' series of interviews for Whoosh. Had you done much work with Whoosh up until that point? I remember seeing your name alongside LJ Maas' on an article…

Mary D. for all her hard work hardly gets any recognition. I wrote the owner of Whoosh asking if I could do an article about Mary's writing and she told me to go for it. Back then I was really new at writing anything and didn't have too much confidence. So I wrote Lori Jane with what I had. She had a passion for Mary's work too, so she dressed it up much better and there was the article you see there now: One Step Beyond - Uber, That Is...

You've done about 60-70 interviews now, with bards, the cast of the show, directors, scriptwriters etc and you're branching out beyond the Xenaverse too. How did the whole thing start?

When Kam was on the Ex-Guards, he used to send out these odd questions, to give fellow members a chance to get to know one another. I thought it would be grand to give it a try, see if readers would like to see what their favorite writer was all about.

Even this went into controversy. I was very eager and told the people I wanted to interview that it would go to MaryD. I'd only asked her about posting the first interview though… word got out and once again I was attacked. I apologized to Mary and thought that would be that, but it wasn't. I was ready just to say 'F it all, no matter if I do well I will be attacked for the hell of it.' Then a friend came to my public defence. She also told me privately to let it go, stop letting others control what I do and move on. After the pep talk and smack in the head, I went on with the interviews.

I wanted to do my favorites at first, T. Novan, and CN Winters. These two ladies kick ass and as far as I'm concerned they are amongst the best writers out there. Another person was HeartBrkn Bard - she is a good writer and probably the sweetest soul you would ever meet. Trish Shields was another, her poetry grabs you and so does her fiction. Once I had those under my belt I tried others, expecting after all the trouble that no one would want to do it. I was very wrong and all of a sudden I was sending the owner of Whoosh so many I think I made the poor woman's head spin.

After a while, I thought I might try to get some actors. The way I found them I will keep to myself to protect their privacy. I searched, I wrote and to my surprise, they said yes. Then I thought that since Xena is dead, maybe Whoosh could use something from other areas? With permission I tried and it worked. We have interviews with Babylon 5 people, and celebrities like RuPaul and Amy Ray from the Indigo Girls.

One thing I must say is the owner of Whoosh has been very supportive and I will be forever grateful to her for giving me a chance and going by her own self and not letting others influence her. I will be forever in her debt! She busts her butt every month to give us a good issue. <Lariel's note - Whoosh are currently looking for volunteers>

And of course, through the interviews you've gotten to know quite a few actors. You've even chatted with them at conventions. What's that been like?

Yes, I met some and talked with them. They are so busy they probably hardly remember their mothers' names. But let me tell you, you can talk to them or ask them something and they have such a heart of gold, they will try and grant it. Talking to an actor, no matter how much you say, they're just people. I get tongue-tied and shy, but I bit the bullet and now I have a few personalized autographs.

Who would you most like to interview?

Xena wise, Renee O'Connor. But I already tried her. Actor wise, I've tried everyone you can think of. I've been turned down by some of the best too, from Rosie all the way to Melissa Ethridge. It's weird being woken up by an actor's agent.

Back to your fiction. Over the last year or so, you've collaborated with CN Winters, T Novan, Kamouraskan… What was it like working with them?

Daunting, a good learning experience. I had ideas for stories, my first attempt was a story based on When Fates Collide. When I started writing this I kept saying it would be awesome if TN would put something into this. I asked and she did, WOW! TN has such a passion about her, it was an honor. Empress, Warrior, Woman

Now with Kam, he has a whacky sense of humor and we did a funny skit and that worked well. A Fan's Nightmare He has been very supportive, believes in me and at my worst times when I'm tired and far too moody, he pats me on my little head and lets the storm pass. What was the one line in Xena? Where life can be a bit better if someone believes in you? Well it's nice to know one person out there sees past things. Plus, he is a darn good Beta and puts up with my pushiness.

And what would you say you bring to your collaborations?

Not sure on this one. I have a pretty good feeling for the characters and my belief is if the reader is thinking you'll do something, do the opposite.

'A Fan's Nightmare' is a rather caustic *g* story. What can you tell us about it…

I thought FIN was heartless and I love to poke at the 'artistic vision' or the laughable 'bold choice.'  I was also eating a chilli dog after watching several hours of Planet of The Apes then turned on some of my Xena tapes. As I was praying for mercy in the bathroom a vision hit me. I told myself if I lived the dreaded chilli dog, I would put something down. I felt it wasn't funny enough so Kam did the rest.

Give us a quick synopsis of the story you're working on at the moment…

It's Conquering Heroine with CN Winters. It's in an alternate time and Xena is forced to be strong and the supporter of Gabrielle the Conqueror. There so many twists and turns in this story you'll get whip lash. It's not like any other Conqueror out there. CN and I have an original!

When will it be out?

God only knows, we've been working on this for almost two years now!!

Which part of writing do you enjoy most and why? (e.g., Taking the original notes, final rewrites...)

I enjoy when it's done and I can send it to Kam and pester the hell out of him to finish it so it can be posted!!

What other authors have influenced you most, would you say?

Cath Bard, because she does great feeling and emotion and doesn't sink to cheesy sex. LN James who can do the cheesy sex but it comes out like hot stuff and makes you slide off the chair in one huge 'thud'! Holly hot mama! BlackFox did an awesome family where I could believe Xena and Gabrielle doing it.

Which of your stories would you recommend to someone who wanted to read a typical Amy Murphy story, and why?

Wish upon a Star is my favorite. PMS is funny and the one with TN is pretty good too. Empress, Warrior, Woman. All on Lynka's

If you could work with any bard in the Xenaverse, who would you most like to work with in the future, and why?

Vivian Darkbloom. Why! Cuz the woman is amazing!

I remember you were talking about interviewing Kevin Smith just before his tragic accident.

This one is a hard one. Other then being a ROC girl, I adored Kevin. He came to Michigan and I wanted to go, but driving 6 hours there and back, my niece told me to stuff it. So I told myself I would see him come hell or high water at his next Convention.

You donated one of your most prized Xena possessions to the auction anonymously and it raised a lot of money for Kevin's trust fund. Why did you do it anonymously?

Being in the financial situation I'm in, I couldn't send cash to Kevin's trust fund, so I sent a Xena photo, hoping it would do something. Why did I do it secretly? Because no matter what I do, people come out and cause trouble. So I do things silently so I can help. Plus I feel two inches tall when other people around me get attacked also. It worked out in the end and it felt good to be able to do something.<Lariel's note - the item was an autographed piece, and raised one of the largest amounts of money at the auction>

The Kevin Smith Trust Fund
c/o Auckland Theatre Company
PO Box 6513
Wellesley Street
Auckland

When you look back over your experiences in the Xenaverse, how would you describe it?

A painfully wonderful experience. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would meet or even talk to people from all around the world.

What changes have you seen in the Xenaverse from when you first joined until now?

It's seemed to slow down a bit since the show died, but there is a tiny spark I doubt will ever go out. It's still plugging along. It's still sorta un-kind at times and it's harder for newbie's to be accepted.

And how has fan-fic changed?

People are going more into uber, much to my dismay. I want the tales of Xena and Gabrielle to continue and maybe with some new blood out there it can happen. There are a few bards that keep this dream going and thank God for them!!

What does the future hold for you?

I don't know, hope it's something good. I hope I get a chance with other opportunities. We shall see!

And I've stolen a few of Murphy's own Inside the Head questions just to round things off...!!

What is your pet peeve?

People who over discipline their kids. When they strike a child harshly or scream at them I hate that! Kids feel and remember.

What was the last thing that made you smile recently?

My youngest dog humping a beach ball in the back yard.

What stupid thing did you do as a teen?

Had sex in the back seat of my first boyfriends car.

What's the best feeling in the world?

Doing something to help someone else and it works. It feels good to help.

Now I know you're a bit of a collector… so tell us what you collect. What's the attraction?

I love TY Beanie Bears, why I haven't got a clue! They are cute and just want them! have Star Trek Ships Xena stuff. those cuz their cool!

What was the last thing you bought that you really didn't need?

Ty Bear!

What skill would you like to have that you don't have now?

Sing, dance and play music!

What were your favorite book, TV show, and movie when you were a teenager and what do you think of them now?

No book! TV? 'Cagney and Lacey'. For movie, 'West Side Story'! Still love them both!

Boxers or Briefs?

Depends how fast I want him out of them! :) 

Any last words for people out there?

Don't let anyone stop you from trying, keep letters, and grow tougher skin. Use your own brain, don't play follow the leader. It's a harder road, but you'll like yourself better in the morning.

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