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The alarm clock went off. I'd already been awake for a while anyway, my stomach tied in its familiar morning knots as I apprehensively lay there, waiting for its jarring noise to wrench me from the warmth and safety of my bed. I hated the alarm clock. I hated mornings - I hated what they meant. But today of course was going to be much worse than usual. It was Valentines day.
Mum pushed the door open as I was fumbling to turn the alarm off, and shoved a plate of toast into my hands. I dunno why she bothers, cos she knows I can't eat first thing in the morning; haven't been able to since I started this new school last year. A glass of milk followed. She still thinks I'm a kid, but I'm not.
So I nibbled a corner of the toast just to keep her off my back, and drank half the milk and even that made me feel sick. I washed and dressed as slowly as I could, wanting to put off having to go downstairs; wanting to delay leaving for school - but time is relentless. It passes, no matter what.
"Kate, it's 8 o'clock, love." My mum's voice dragged me out of my room, sullen and resentful. "You'll miss the bus." She and my dad were sitting in the sun at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, drinking tea and feeding each other toast. They were giggling, and I could see two cards propped open on the counter. Valentines cards.
They looked really happy, and I felt so jealous. Not of their love; I was too young for love, and I knew I'd never experience it anyway - I'd already resigned myself to that. No, it was the way they always... I dunno. Seemed to be together, somehow.
I'd never got a Valentines card. Girls like me don't get them. It didn't matter really, they were just yet another example of commercial exploitation anyway. On principle, I didn't want to ever get one.
"Kate, you've left your toast," my mum said, eyeing the plate with mild annoyance.
"Sorry, not hungry," I mumbled, hair tumbling all over my eyes as I bent my head and shuffled through the room. I could hear her going on about how important it was... roughage... best meal of the day... and I made the regulation grunts and nods as I grabbed my books and started stuffing them into my schoolbag, not really listening to her.
Next thing I knew, she was standing right behind me and practically shouting into my ear. "I SAID... if you listened to me I wouldn't have to shout - do you think I like shouting through the whole house when I'm trying to talk to my daughter??"
"No mum, sorry..." I mumbled again.
"What is wrong with you lately?" I just shrugged my shoulders, and stared at the floor. She sighed, and brushed my muddy blonde hair out of my eyes. "Honey, I said there's some post for you. Over on the breakfast bar."
"For me?" She nodded and smiled, a peculiar sparkle in her eye.
It was slim, small and stiff, all sharp edges. Neat black writing cut crisply through the snowy whiteness of the envelope, and the stamp in the corner gave it a splash of merry colour. Uncertainly, I looked from my mum to my dad, before saying, "What is it?"
"Open it, honey." They were both grinning at each other, in that kind of ‘together' way.
My fingers shook a little as I tried to carefully slit the envelope without ripping it. I could feel my heart beating and I knew a hesitant smile was spreading across my lips. I started tugging the card out, and beamed at my parents as they smiled back at me.
"It's... it's a card," I stammered.
"Well, don't look so surprised. It is Valentines day," said my dad, as he poured my mum another cup of tea. "Gorgeous thing like you, I'm surprised the doormat's not flooded with the things." He laughed when I blushed.
"Who's it from, love?" asked my mum.
"I don't know. It's just signed with an X." I turned it over and looked again at the front - a huge, cute elephant was offering a big red heart to a tiny little mouse. It said, in huge red writing across the top, ‘My Heart Is Yours' and inside, someone had written in neat capitals, ‘Will you be my elephant?' I turned it over again and again, examining the handwriting, the stamp, the postmark - but I didn't know who it was from.
"Look's like you've got a secret admirer," my dad said as he kissed the top of my head and pulled on his jacket.
I fairly beamed, I was so surprised and happy. I placed it carefully in my bag and ran out to catch the bus before I was too late.
****
I sat up at the front of the bus, in my usual place, ignoring the calls and comments coming from the back, and let my unfamiliar secret Valentine warm me inside. I wracked my brain the whole time, trying to figure out who it could be from. Peter Armitage sat next to me in Maths and I always kinda liked him, in a shy way, but could never get up the nerve to speak to him. He was so popular, and had lots of girls hanging round. But I liked him, so I hoped it was him. How could I find out? I couldn't ask him. Or maybe it was someone else? Maybe it was Robert Everett. He was okay, and sometimes he'd walk down the road after school and once he even stopped them when they'd been shouting things at me. But he was in the year above me, so it couldn't be him.
I couldn't resist sneaking a peek into my bag to look at the card again, and that's when Emma Roberts grabbed my bag and tried to pull it out of my hands. They were laughing as I held onto it, but my French book fell out and next thing I knew, torn pages were floating out of the bus window and I could see Erin and Joanna at the back, scribbling inside it. I hoped they had at least left my French homework alone; it was my first class that morning and was due in today. I stayed where I was, and when they'd had enough, it was thrown at me. I didn't mind that it hit my cheek - I could feel the little cut it made - but I started shaking when I saw that they'd ripped my homework in half, and when I read some of the things they'd written about my teacher, I knew I'd get in trouble again.
Thank god the bus stopped then and I could get off, even though it wasn't my stop. I shrank back against a garden wall as the bus sailed past, trying to avoid the girls' spitting at me out of the window, and frantically checked my bag to see if I'd lost anything else. My card was still there.
****
I skulked in the corner of the playground at break, still trying to stop myself from crying at the telling off I'd gotten in French for forgetting my homework and exercise book. I was getting a bad reputation with my teachers in this school, but I didn't really care about them. They were just more people who shouted at me and called me names and made me feel bad. Sitting on the ground, all by myself round the side of the building, I made sure I was alone before I pulled out my card. It was the only bright thing in my day, and I touched it carefully - reverentially - and traced the writing with my fingertip.
I didn't have it for long. It was snatched out of my hand by Joanna, who immediately began laughing as she saw what it was. It was passed round them all, and they stomped around me, shouting and laughing.
"Will you be my elephant?"
"Yeah, elephant is right, isn't it? Big fat, stupid elephant!"
"Who'd wanna send her a card?"
I got to my feet quickly, and tried to snatch the card back. "Give it back!" It was starting to get battered and bent, but they just laughed all the more. It ended up in Erin' hands, and the grin on her face made me feel sick.
"You want your card back, Kate?" she asked, holding it just out of my reach. I didn't dare move. They'd never actually hit me, although they had grabbed me, thrown things at me, and spat at me. They mainly just said things; awful things which made me cry at night or when I was on my own. But last week, some of them had held me down and encouraged the boys to touch me, which had really scared me and made me cry. They seemed to like it better when I cried, and Erin was always the one who suggested doing these things. I was so scared of her.
I just nodded, and stared down at my feet, hoping that if I didn't look at her, she wouldn't start on me.
"What's it worth?" she grinned at me. The others had fallen silent, and started snickering at that.
"What?" Lost, I glanced around quickly but there was nobody there who would help me. A group of boys from our year were watching us, but I knew they wouldn't help me. Some of them were the ones who'd touched me last week; they'd made me feel so horrible and dirty. They started calling me names and making rude gestures. I knew I was on my own, again.
Sometimes, I'd give anything for a friend. You know? Just one person who doesn't hate me.
Erin changed tack, catching me by surprise. "This card's nice. Who's it from?" She was reading the inside.
"I... I don't know," I stammered nervously.
"Bet you've never had a Valentines card before, have you? Fat, ugly cow like you."
"I'm not fat," I whispered.
"Who'd want to send you a card? You know what this is, don't you?" I remained mute, staring at my polished black shoes and hoping desperately that they would get bored and leave me alone. "Nobody's gonna want to send you a card." She waved it at the boys, who all started sniggering and laughing. "They don't need to send you a card, ‘cos they all know you're easy. They know you're a slut."
"I'm not..."
"Yes, you are. Everyone knows what you did with them last week. You're just a dirty whore. No boy would want to go out with a fat, ugly, dirty slut like you." Her small eyes had narrowed spitefully as she spat the words right into my face, and the small group of boys behind her jeered and grinned.
"Give me my card back, please?" I pleaded, and risked a look at her face.
"No. It's not your card. It's mine. It's a joke. Who'd really send you a Valentines card? You didn't think this was a real card, did you?" I didn't know what she was talking about, and I must've looked as confused as I felt, because she lost her temper and slapped me across the face. "I sent you this! As a joke! You didn't think anyone really liked you, did you? That's funny! That is so funny - hey, she really thought someone liked her."
I couldn't really hear much else after then, couldn't really make out what they were saying. I tried to push my way through them, but she slammed me back against the wall, and then slowly and deliberately tore up my card and threw it in my face.
"No-one's ever gonna love you. No-one's ever gonna want you. You're a joke." And with that, they left, leaving me crouched on the ground, tears streaming down my face and surrounded by a halo of torn card.
****
I skipped school. I went and sat in the shopping centre for the rest of the afternoon, and then stayed at the library until I knew it'd be safe enough for me to go home. When I got home, I went straight upstairs and shut my door.
"Kate, where've you been? I've been worried! It's nearly 6 o'clock!"
"Sorry Mum," I shouted through the door. "I went to the library."
"Dinner's ready."
"I'm not hungry." I could hear her start to come up the stairs, and I didn't want her to come in and see me, so I hastily added the teenager schoolkid's magic words..."And I've got a lot of homework to do. I'll have it later." She shouted and nagged for a while, but eventually left me alone.
I curled up on my bed.
****
It must've been about an hour later when the doorbell rang. I barely heard it, and it was only when mum shouted that it was for me that I realised how dark my room had got. I blew my nose, and came down the stairs, switching off the hall lights on my way down, so mum and whoever it was wouldn't see my blotchy face and red eyes.
It was Robert Everett.
I was so surprised, I couldn't even speak. I glanced around, to make sure he was on his own. He smiled at me.
"Hi," he said. I just nodded, and gave a tiny smile back. "Ummm, listen, I ahhh..." He had his hands in his pocket, and was squirming around a bit. I waited patiently; eventually, he dug his hand into his jacket pocket, and pulled out a slightly bent envelope.
It was pink, and had little hearts in one corner. I stared at it dumbly.
"It's for you," he said. "I heard about what happened this morning."
"Oh."
"I looked everywhere for another elephant one but I couldn't find one, so I got this instead." He pushed the card towards me; he was holding it like it was a bomb and it might go off any minute. "Go on, take it." I could tell by the look in his eyes that he knew I'd been crying, and I hated him for seeing it, and me for doing it.
"How did you know my other card had an elephant on it?" He looked a little furtive, but didn't say anything. "Am I such a joke, that everyone knew about this? What, did you all get together and choose it? All put money in, did you? Bet you couldn't wait for today... let's all have a good laugh at Kate. Make her think that somebody might give a stuff about her!" Even I could hear the hurt thickening my voice.
"No, it wasn't..."
"The others put you up to this? I suppose they're hiding round the corner, having a good laugh. Get lost, Robbie. I hate you all!"
"But..."
"Get lost! Leave me alone! I hate you all - you cruel bastards!" I tried to slam the door on him, but he stuck his foot in the way.
"Wait, Kate - I knew the other one had an elephant on it ‘cos I sent you it! Not the others..." I couldn't make any reply; I was crying too hard. "It was from me. I wanted to send you a Valentines card because... well, y'know... not for a laugh. Because I wanted to send you one."
"Leave me alone."
"Honest! You know I don't hang round with the others. I... well, I like you. I think you're smart, and really pretty. You're different to the other girls. You're really nice and you don't hurt people."
"You felt sorry for me? Is that it?" I couldn't believe that anyone would like me for myself.
"No! I just wanted to send you a Valentines card. That's all. I'm sorry about what happened. Please, at least take this. I bought it for you." He held out the pink envelope again, and I hesitantly went to take it; I pulled my fingers up short, like it might burn to touch it. He grabbed my hand, and stuffed the card into my fingers.
I opened it. Inside, was a white card with a big pink heart on it. And he'd written, in the same neat capitals that my other one had, ‘To the nicest girl I know' inside. Feeling my face burn, I looked up at him; he was blushing furiously too, his head bent and tapping his feet. He smiled shyly at me, and I gave him an equally shy smile back.
"Thanks," was all I could think of to say. He grinned at me.
"S'okay. Well, g'night." Somehow, his words made me blush more, and I felt warm right down to my toes.
"‘Night, Robbie. And thanks... I'm sorry about what I said before."
"S'okay. I would've thought the same if I'd have been you. Those girls - they're just jealous you know. They know they'll never be as nice or as pretty as you. You shouldn't let them get to you. You should stand up for yourself."
"It's not easy when you're on your own." I turned his card around in my hands.
"You're not on your own." We just stared at each other, smiling. I couldn't believe how nice he was being.
I blushed again. "Oh, well... thanks. I... I really like the card. And the other one too. See you tomorrow?" I asked, hesitantly.
"Sure. Do you want to ride the bus with me in the morning? I could call for you?"
"Really?" He grinned, and I nodded eagerly back.
"Pick you up at eight then." He said, before turning away to leave. Suddenly, he was back and before I knew what was happening, he'd kissed my cheek. Then he ran off up the path, glancing over his shoulder at me as I stood on the doorstep, feeling the warm, moist tingle of where his lips had been a moment before.
I shut the door, and stood in the hallway, trying to get my breath back and waiting till my cheeks weren't so fiery red. My first kiss, and my first proper Valentines day card. And maybe even my first friend here. I couldn't believe it. What a day.
"Mum, is my dinner still in the oven? I'm starving!" I blew my nose again, and bounced into the bright, warm living room.
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